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Best of the Rest:
Music of 2003...
Best Apology Wrapped Up In a Song: "Everytime," Britney Spears
There's already so much literature, promotion, hate mail, etc. about Britney Spears' In the Zone that I don't need to say more about it…except that her melancholy ballad, "Everytime," is an obvious attempt at an apology. Last year I said Justin Timberlake was bitter, and this year I'll say that Britney Spears is repentant, perhaps because while his career took off in 2003, hers seemed to take a Madonna-inspired nosedive. In a false vibrato, she sings, "I may have made it rain / Please forgive me / My weakness caused you pain / And this song is my sorry." Justin, are you listening? It's not too late for an intervention.Best Celebrity Look-Alike: Rob Thomas as Frodo Baggins
Is it me, or is Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas beginning to look more and more like Frodo Baggins (played by Elijah Wood) of Lord of the Rings fame?Best Overlooked Techno DJ: Delerium
Amsterdam-based Delerium (who is really Rhys Fulber) is perhaps one of the most prolific producers out there, having released ten CDs in as many years. He's worked with Sarah McLaughlin, Moby, Leigh Nash (of Sixpence None the Richer), and Julee Cruise, just to name a few. His sound is poppy enough to be catchy, and yet raw enough to be respected. Unlike most people in his industry, he's not afraid to let the lyrics (and their haunting beauty) become the focus of the song, not the beat. Chimera, his latest effort, was released in June.Best Person to Call When You Feel Like Doing a Collaboration: Sean Paul
Throw out Madonna's number, because if her career is any indication, it will only do you more harm than good. And then track down Sean Paul and get his digits, because as far as 2003 goes, he was the man to work with. From Beyoncé to Blu Cantrell to Mya, Sean Paul was anywhere and everywhere, adding his dancehall and reggae spin to traditional and run-of-the-mill R&B songs.Best Song to Chill at the Pool With: "Sunrise," Simply Red
Also known as best comeback - British band Simply Red has always been an adult contemporary staple, but with their single, "Sunrise," they've mixed the old (Hall & Oates to be exact) with the new to create a funky song you can sip your margarita to.Best Stalker Anthem: "Invisible," Clay Aiken
Clay Aiken wants to be a fly on the wall, you see, so he can "watch you in your room" and "trac[e] your steps, each move that you make." If that wasn't creepy enough, he wonders, "Why can't I bring you into my life, what would it take to make you see I'm alive?" When these lyrics are set to a twinkly piano and soft guitar, producers package it up into a CD case and call it a power ballad. But it doesn't change the fact that he's basically trying to stalk some poor girl who has no interest in him. So if you're hankering for a good stalking, pop in Clay Aiken's new single, "Invisible," and have yourself a stalker of a good time.Most Cheesiest, Clichéd and Ready for Early Retirement: Shawn Desman
Also known as best rip-off artist. Also known as artist most likely to choose emaciated models for his videos. Shawn Desman, we've already got your pension plan going.Most Overused Singer in Trailers and/or Television Commercials: Michelle Branch
I love Michelle Branch, but even I know that she's not the only artist out there available to lend her songs out to movies. And yet, she's everywhere, from teen romantic comedies to adult dramas. "All You Wanted," "You Set Me Free," and "Breathe" are the most popular among studios. At least she's raking in the residuals. Runner up: Atrocious Avril Lavigne.One to Watch: Good Charlotte
Rock band Good Charlotte exploded onto the scene with their second CD, The Young & The Hopeless. Singles like "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous," "Hold On," and "Boys and Girls" became "Total Request Live" staples, and took teen angst to a new level. Watch for these boys in 2004.Worst Children's Book Title: Mr. Peabody's Apples
Mr. Peabody's Apples, Madonna's latest illustrated children's book, has become a best seller among toddlers. But what exactly are Mr. Peabody's "Apples"? Hmm?Worst Dis of the Year: Christina Aguilera Gets No Headlines
During the 2003 MTV Music Video Awards, Madonna shared a "steamy" lip lock with her teen protégé, Britney Spears. (And I use the word "steamy" loosely, as I've shared more passion with the deli guy at my local grocery store when he gives me extra meat for free). I missed the broadcast, and only caught wind of it twenty seconds after it happened, as every newscast, newspaper, and tabloid television show raced to bring us the exclusive pictures first. So I was a little shocked to hear that Christina Aguilera had also shared a kiss with Madonna in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it clip during the same opening act. So who was the one who released a multi-platinum CD? Who was the one who did nothing more than dye her hair brown? And who was the one who got the most media attention (thereby prompting the other one to pout and complain)? Sorry, Christina, but no matter how many people you've slept with, Britney still has the slutty quotient on you (and she got to kiss Madonna first, hypothetically giving you the sloppy seconds).Worst Haircut: Christina Aguilera
Whenever a celebrity wants to change her image, she always starts with the hair. Mandy Moore dyed her hair brown, chopped it off, and became a somewhat serious actress. And then Christina Aguilera showed up in her black tresses and became a somewhat serious artist. Unfortunately, the oil spill on her head did nothing to raise her credibility, let alone her looks. Should she or shouldn't she keep it? The answer is clear.Worst Live Act: Ashanti
Poor Ashanti. I know we pick on her all the time, and she has improved considerably since last year, but maybe some voice lessons are in still order.Worst Movie Revival: "Mesmerize" and "I'm Glad"
In "Mesmerize," Ashanti and Ja Rule pranced around in a giant amusement park and pretended to be Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta. And I think a giant rat died on her head. In "I'm Glad," Jennifer Lopez pranced around in a dance club and pretended to be Jennifer Beals. And I think a giant rat died on her head. Neither of them succeeded in their attempted odes, although they respectably made the top ten (no thanks to Happygrrls). Which just goes to show you, no one does it better than the original.Worst Rap: "American Life"
Even if Madonna is arguable one of the most influential figures in pop music today, does it give her a right to rap? Not only does she sound like she's rehearsing a nursery rhyme, but she also does it with a straight face. Sample lyrics from "American Life": "I do yoga and pilates / And the room is full of hotties / So I'm checking out the bodies / And you know I'm satisfied / I'm digging on the isotopes / This metaphysic's shit is dope / And if all this can give me hope / You know I'm satisfied." So. Bad. It. Hurts. Where is Eminem when you need him?Worst Remix: "In Da Club," Beyoncé
No one does it better than 50 Cent, so when Beyoncé redid his hit single, "In Da Club," just mere months after it was released, it baffled some - especially since remixes are supposed to enhance and/or take a song in a new direction, of which Beyoncé's take did neither.Worst Way to Voice Anti-War Sentiments: The Dixie Chicks Get Booed
Frontwoman Natalie Maines of The Dixie Chicks took an anti-war stance and dissed President Bush, and everything went downhill from there. At a London concert, in front of hundreds of people, she said, "Just so you know, we're ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas." The backlash that followed was tremendous, and radio stations urged fans to boycott the Chicks. Sales plummeted and their concert attendance waned. Maines later offered an apology, but too little too late? This just goes to show you, you're only allowed to poke fun at Bush in anonymous e-mail forwards.Worst Welcome: Justin Timberlake in Toronto
Justin Timberlake got the royal shaft when he came down to Toronto, innocently enough, to perform in the Molson Canadian Rocks for Toronto concert. [Shameless and irrelevant personal sidebar: If you click on the Toronto Star article that is linked, you will see a quote from York University professor Rob Bowman in the caption below Mick Jagger's picture - he was my Music & Society course professor. Good for him.] Timberlake was booed on stage (and was that teddy bear aimed at his head?), but was accommodating enough to stay on stage and finish his set. Hmm, does that mean Canadians aren't as nice as everyone thought they were? ¤ C.Ho.