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Best of the Rest:
Television in 2005...
Best Arch-Nemeses of the Year: Janice and Omarosa
Some time ago (last year, to be exact), I wrote about my newfound love for “The Surreal Life.” Not only is it unadulterated mindless entertainment, but it’s also an interesting study of the fragile human psyche – mostly because the has-been stars chosen for the show are more or less crazy. In this year’s season of “The Surreal Life,” Janice Dickinson and Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth went at it like wild banshees being followed by a camera crew. I’ve already covered this complex relationship in another article, but suffice it to say, these two should never be in a room together. Things got heated when Dickinson pantomimed stabbing Manigault-Stallworth for a photo shoot, and reached a boiling point when Manigault-Stallworth claimed Dickinson was a drug addict and a bad mother. I know the situation is appalling, but who can forget the ridiculous footage of Dickinson, clad in a tiny dress, climbing out the kitchen window to get away from everyone? It’s like the crazy leading the crazy.
Best Concept That Didn’t Work: "Reunion"
"Reunion" worked well in theory, but when it came time to actually watch it, no one did.
Sometimes a friend can be your worst enemy, and “Reunion” proved that they can be downright murderous. The show’s concept is decidedly different than its competition: each episode spans a year in the lives of a tight-knit group of friends, and would conclude in the present day and with the revelation of who killed the unfortunate friend. What should have been a cult hit was instead cancelled before the big finale. Surely pitting it against “The Apprentice” and “CSI” lessened its chances at garnering a following, and the show met the axe. Now only if “Stacked” could meet the same fate, it might balance the universe.
Runner Up: Speaking of FOX prematurely cutting shows, “The Inside” is another example of shoddy development and FOX’s sticky scheduling fingers. What was supposed to be a fall 2004 show was bumped to the summer line-up, where it flopped around like a moody dead fish before succumbing to bad ratings. And to add insult to injury, unlike “American Dad” and “Skating With Celebrities,” “The Inside” was actually decent.Best Looking Cast of the Year: "Lost"
If you’re ever stranded on a weird island with little hope of ever escaping, than you’d better hope to be surrounded by Matthew Fox, Josh Holloway, Daniel Dae Kim, Dominic Monaghan, Ian Somerhalder, Harold Perrineau, Naveen Andrews, and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (who you can catch in 50 Cent’s Get Rich or Die Tryin’), and that your island might look like something from the set of “Lost.” Admittedly, “Lost” is more than just about the eye candy, but what were the chances that everyone on the ill-fated Oceanic flight 815 is camera-ready? Makes you kind of wonder: if it weren’t for the mysterious beasts on the island, a secret hatch, and several untimely deaths, would everyone just engage in a giant love fest to pass the time?Best Returning Show of the Year, a.k.a. Best British Rip-Off of the Year: "The Office"
Once upon a time, there was a show called “Coupling.” It was a huge British hit, and the networks were clambering over each other to bring it to North American soil. After major cast changes and some embarrassing two episodes, the show was put to rest, as was the notion that ripping off British comedies would equal ratings gold. I’ve never been privy to the British version of “The Office,” but I’ve heard enough to know it’s a cult favourite, much like Office Space was in the 90s. Could NBC, the same station that brought us “Coupling,” do justice to the original? The consensus is “not really,” but that hasn’t deterred me from falling in love with “The Office” all the same. The brilliant Steve Carell, who takes on the difficult task of playing Michael Scott, plays him perfectly as the most oblivious, insensitive, and callous send-up of a boss that ever existed (and for his hard work, he’s finally getting a Golden Globe nomination). Jenna Fischer, John Krasinski, and Rainn Wilson are equally titillating as employees of the prototypical American company, Dunder Mifflin Paper Supply Co. The set-up, the stereotypical co-workers (ranging from the “prissy cat lady” to the “stick up the ass guy”), and the mind-numbing work – these elements are all too excruciatingly realistic. And yet, “The Office” offers us these elements and serves them up on a surreal plate of fries, offering its audience a chance to grieve through their nine to five with some cathartic humour. Throw in some office romance, a rapping Steve Carrell, and the funniest yet saddest Halloween episode ever, and you’ve got one of my must-sees of the year.Best Reason to Look Forward to the New Year: "7th Heaven"
For me, it’s the cancellation of “7th Heaven,” which was about ten years overdue, and although the show features no one from the original cast, no one seemed to notice or care.
Weirdest Elimination Process of the Year: "America's Next Top Model"
"Blah, blah, wonky wee!" (This is what Tyra Banks might as well say for all the sense she makes on "America's Next Top Model.")
As a disclaimer, I should start off by saying that I am hooked on “America’s Next Top Model.” But my adoration isn’t blind, and I know that Tyra and company don’t really know what they’re talking about during the show-by-show eliminations. When one of the model hopefuls (who isn’t the brightest person on the playground, if you know what I mean), admits that she doesn’t know what Tyra is looking for because Tyra confuses people, then you can rightfully suspect that something’s up. One girl is eliminated for being too timid, the next for being too obnoxiously outgoing. One girl gets panned at panel for having no range, then praised at the next for having no range (although the judges try to pretend like she’s Naomi Campbell all of a sudden). One contestant is told to embrace her plus-size body, and then has her breasts bound for a photo shoot (she was also eliminated based on that photo). By the end of Cycle 5, audiences and contestants alike seemed defeated, but hung onto the show purely out of fear of getting another lecture from Tyra about being “fierce.”Worst Mother-Daughter Relationship of the Year: Martha and Alexis Stewart
This was a big year for Martha Stewart. She finished her sentence, got out of jail, and landed two shows. But after the conclusion of “Martha Stewart: The Apprentice,” poor ratings and lack of general interest would lead to its cancellation, and leave Stewart hobbling on one bad daytime talk show leg. Viewers of the ill-fated “Apprentice,” though, were able to catch a glimpse of the detached and complicated relationship between Martha and her daughter, Alexis. In the first episode, Martha chides Alexis in front of the candidates for not giving her any grandchildren, and Alexis offers a wry smile common to adults with painful childhoods. In the boardroom, Martha ignores Alexis, and instead lavishes all of her attention on her wannabe version of George, Charles. And the best part: after each contestant is booted off, Martha writes a letter (or, at least, someone on her staff does); in one particular letter, Martha assures the candidate that she is very talented, but not a good fit for the company, and that she and Charles wish her luck in her future endeavours. As an aside, she also adds in voice-over, “P.S. Alexis sends her best also!” Unfortunately, the camera cut away too quickly for us to see Alexis speed-dial her therapist.Worst Courtroom Reenactment of the Year: Michael Jackson
Much has been said and debated about one of the biggest trials of the year – Michael Jackson vs. guardians of children everywhere. The trial was long and tenuous, but thankfully, we had the E! network to entertain us with a half-hour daily reenactment of the key closed courtroom shocks and revelations. Surprisingly, the actor hired to play Michael Jackson (professional impersonator Edward Moss – and by “professional,” I mean that he does this for a living) looked more like Latoya than Michael, and was unofficially indicted into the Backstreet Boys Hall of Fame for his overacting and penchant for awful facial spasms. The camera work is low grade and looks like it was shot in my basement. And the actor hired to play the accuser is about ten years older than the real-life fifteen-year old. The reenactments kept us entertained, that’s for sure, but probably not in the way that E! intended.
Worst Reality Show of the Year: "Chaotic"
Sadly, no one could handle Britney's "truth." And by "truth," we mean grammar.
Surprisingly, this show never appeared on FOX, although the network does have a pretty good track record for such things. The worst show to ever appear on our screens this year was “Chaotic,” the Britney “Can You Handle My Truth?” Spears and Kevin “Can You Handle My Stench?” Federline love-fest that was supposed to be a documentary-style reality show but ended up being a mish-mash of home videos that seemed like they were put together by my five-year old cousin. During the five-episode season, we watched as Britney and Kevin’s “relationship” progressed from crush to full out obsession (on her part) and opportunism (on his part). The best revelation about the show wasn’t Britney’s revelation that her knees look like boobs, or that Kevin really is that greasy all the time, but that Britney’s bodyguards hate Kevin just as much as we do. After the last episode aired, UPN bolted and left the newlyweds without a second season. It’s just as well – we’re content with a couple of tabloid pictures of Britney and Kevin being as trashy as can be, but we probably couldn’t endure half an hour of their wit on our televisions every week.
Runners Up: “Strange Love” and “My Fair Brady,” because they’re creepy.Worst Second Season of the Year: "Desperate Housewives"
Many shows suffer the sophomore slump and can’t seem to follow through on a second season after coming off of a glorious first. The most glaring example of this comes from “Desperate Housewives,” which was a surprise hit for everyone (its stars included), and rejuvenated the nighttime soap genre. In the show’s second season, things don’t look good. Granted, the season officially ends in May, but there would need to be some sort of “Family Guy” miracle to get the drama back to where it started. Most of the characters have become annoying and ungracious, the cast keeps getting bigger with no pay-off, and although the Housewives are supposed to be best friends, no one tells each other a damn thing. Plot holes, dropped storylines, and anti-climactic mysterious have veered the show from entertaining to painful. When you’re rooting for an evil nun to win by process of main character assassinations, it’s time for a re-write.Worst Way to End a Finale: "The Apprentice"
Ratings are slumping, people who have always found you obnoxious now also find you annoying, and you’ve got the worst hair in television history. What do you do? If you’re Donald Trump, you keep on slugging on, crunching out season after season of “The Apprentice.” And for the finale of the fourth installment, you hire the sure-bet candidate over the intense, prickly 22-year old with a 1-2 project manager record. Then, just as the new Apprentice begins celebrating on national live television, you tell him to sit back down so you can ask him if he would also hire the prickly 22-year old. The audience of ten who still watch “The Apprentice” were stunned, and the Donald managed to make his way back into the media hype – but this time, it was for his manipulative, brash decision to muck up the end of the season with an uncompromising “twist” better left to quality shows like “Temptation Island” or “The Bachelor.” ¤ C.Ho.