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Fall Television Preview:
What the big five have in store for us…
If You Can't Get Enough of Saturday Night Live…
Sons and Daughters (ABC, Midseason)
Lorne Michaels ("Saturday Night Live") adds another notch in his resume by producing this "semi-improvised comedy." The equivalent of a small city stars in this ensemble piece about siblings and their extended families. There's Sharon (Alison Quinn), who finds herself in a sexless marriage. There's Jenna (Corri English), whose singing aspirations quickly sour when she finds herself a single mom living at home. And Cameron (Fred Gross) can't keep a marriage going, but manages to impregnate left and right in the meantime.
Kate Capshaw used to be "fat." Now she's not. The hilarity, it is too much.
Thick and Thin (NBC, Midseason)
Lorne Michaels brings us another zinger with Thick and Thin, a show about a Mary (Jessica Capshaw, daughter of Kate Capshaw and step-daughter of Steven Spielberg) who used to be fat and now is thin. Life would be perfect if it weren't for the fact that Mary's "family and friends still see her as her old self - and keep trying to feed her." Are you trying to tell me that this show is all about Mary trying not to eat? Didn't we see this on "Fat Actress"? Chris Parnell ("Saturday Night Live"), as Mary's friend, is the next SNL alumnus to be out of a jo- er, try his hand at scripted comedy.If You Like Hot, Sweaty Men in Prison…
Prison Break (FOX, Mondays 9:00-10:00)
Taking over the usual "24" slot is no easy feat, so the folks at FOX have decided to throw us another high concept thriller that takes a whole season to play out. Instead of old, crusty Kiefer Sutherland we get broodingly hot Michael Scofield (Wentworth Miller), a brilliant structural engineer who helped to design the Fox River State Penitentiary. (Which makes me wonder: if this were on CBS, would the prison be named "CBS River State Penitentiary"?). Anyway, when his brother Dominic (Lincoln Burrows) is sentenced to death row for a murder he did not commit, Michael holds up a bank. No, Michael isn't suddenly into crime; this is just part of an elaborate plan to land in the Fox so he can free his brother. Along the way he meets correctional officer Bellick (Wade Williams), cellmate Sucre (Amaury Nolasco), mob boss John Abruzzi (Peter Stormare), Charles Moreland (Muse Watson), who is speculated to be infamous skyjacker D. B. Cooper, Warden Pope (Stacey Keach), and Sara Tancredi (Sarah Wayne Callies), the shapely prison doctor. On the outside is defense attorney and ex Veronica Donovan (Robin Tunney, End of Days) and LJ (Marshall Allman), Dominic's fifteen year old son. The inevitable prison heist will take a whole season to play out (or at least until January, when "24" returns), so be very patient with this one. Last Status: "Prison Break" will live to see another day, as the show is being picked up for a second season, which begins airing March 2006.If You Like Shows About Young Adults Trying to Cope With Adulthood…
The Bedford Diaries (WB, Midseason)
The gist: professor (Matthew Modine) at a liberal arts college helps his students to realize their potential as adults while teaching the very controversial Human Behaviour and Sexuality course (or so we're led to believe…this is, after all, on a network that can be easily sued by the FCC). Machinated love triangles, brooding, and anguish abound. Since it's from "Oz" producer Tom Fontana, it might not suck as much as it sounds. Or it still could.Free Birds (FOX, Midseason)
This partly scripted, partly improvised comedy deals with Nate (Josh Dean), a big man on campus who, upon graduating from college, finds out that popularity won't pay the bills. So Nate moves back home to his small mid-western hometown, where he has to learn to live under his parents' roof once more. Once Nate gets over the initial shock of moving back home, he reunites with an old flame (Erin Cahill).
Are you in the loop yet? If not, it says: early cancellation.
The Loop (FOX, Wednesdays 9:30-10:00)
This single-camera comedy (à la "Scrubs" and the like) follows the life of Sam (Bret Harrison), who is the youngest executive at the corporate headquarters of a major airline. Since he's still pretty green between the ears, Sam tries to blend into the corporate lifestyle while still maintaining a sense of his former slacker self. He lives with older brother Sully (Eric Christian Olsen, Dumb & Dumberer) and crush Piper (Becky Newton, who is strangely ommitted from the FOX cast list). At work, Sam's has boss Russ (Philip Baker Hall) to contend with, while co-worker Meryl (Mimi Rogers) becomes a ringing endorsement for sexual harassment in the workplace. Last Status: This show is being used as a mid-season replacement, most likely to compliment the return of "American Idol" and it's weirdly timed half-hour results show.Modern Men (WB, Midseason)
Doug (Eric Lively), Tim (Josh Braaten), and Kyle (Max Greenfield) have been best friends for years. Though they've been together through thick and thin, even they can't help each other when it comes to women. Tim has no trouble dating, but he doesn't seem to click with anyone. Doug is still getting over his ex-wife. And Kyle is an evil womanizing bachelor. Enter Dr. Strangel (Wendie Malick, who may be recast by the second episode as "Jake In Progress" has been renewed for another season [update: the WB site no longer lists her as being on the show]), a life coach who sets out to help these men. This marks Jerry Bruckheimer's first scripted comedy. Let's hope it's not his last.If You Can't Get Enough Reality to Keep It Real…
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart (NBC, Wednesdays 8:00-9:00)
Undeniably, jail time can make anyone a little crabby, and it's no exception for home décor mogul Martha Stewart. Fortunately, Stewart can now passive-aggressively take her hostility out on a slew of reality show contestants who are vying for a corner office and an executive sparking spot at her company, Stewart Living Omnimedia. Executive producers Mark Burnett and Donald Trump are keeping tight-lipped about everything from catchphrases to contract details, but NBC assures us that "Stewart will bring her own sensibilities and creativity to the elimination process." One can only hope this means a challenge involving turning shady stock market papers into doilies. Last Status: As enjoyable as this show turned out to be (for me), the network just couldn't get the numbers up to get this show a second season. Donald, however, is already casting for his next season.The Miracle Workers (ABC, Midseason)
This medical reality show will have doctors with "revolutionary" treatments fly across the country to treat patients with serious health conditions who cannot afford the inflated health care costs that Americans have to suffer through. It remains to be seen whether this show will employ a life coach and a plastic surgeon along the way.
Amy Grant will help you! Just as long as you're not greedy about it. Then she won't answer your letter at all.
Three Wishes (NBC, Fridays 8:00-9:00)
Not to be outdone by ABC and their do-good attitude, NBC brings us Three Wishes, which follows Grammy-winner Amy Grant (who "grants" wishes, like ha ha) while she travels across America with a team of expert carpenters, architects, and contractors. This comes from the mastermind team who brought us "Average Joe," which means that they are probably trying to repent for their sins. The first few episodes feature a homeless (or, as the website puts it, "despairing") family who needs a critical surgery, and a beloved teacher who is on the verge of losing his job. There is no explanation for how an architect and contractor are supposed to eradicate the problems listed above, but as "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" has shown us, sometimes having a brand new home can solve all your problems. (In addition to this, you can also apply to a myriad of other reality shows through the NBC website, like "Fear Factor," "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," and "The Apprentice," as well as new, yet-to-be-scheduled-or-made shows such as "American's Busiest Families," "Stand Up for Diversity," and "Treasure Hunters.")The Roster
ABC: Gone is the detective drama "Eyes," as is the similarly named "Blind Justice." "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter," "My Wife and Kids," and "Complete Savages" have also been retired. The gory and sometimes disturbing "Extreme Makeover" has been removed, but not its spin-off, "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." "Less Than Perfect," "Jake in Progress" and, for some ungodly reason, "The Bachelor," will be returning mid-season. In other sadistic news, "Wife Swap," "Hope & Faith," and "According to Jim" have also been renewed. Surprise hits "Desperate Housewives," "Lost," and "Grey's Anatomy" will be back to resolve their cliffhangers. And fear not - at least for another season, a very pregnant Jennifer Garner will reprise her role as Sidney Bristow in "Alias."CBS: Staple dramas "Joan of Arcadia," "Judging Amy," and "JAG" have been let go after ratings showed that really old people were the only ones watching. And we all know how really old people don't buy things, ever. Also gone are sitcoms "Everybody Loves Raymond" (which retired after 50 years), and the Jason Alexander comedy "Listen Up." "Center of the Universe," "Clubhouse," and "dr. vegas" failed their first year and have been expelled. Hits "CSI," "CSI: Miami," and "CSI: NY," along with "Survivor: Guatemala," "The Amazing Race," "King of Queens," "Without a Trace," and "Cold Case" have been renewed. Iffy shows like "Yes, Dear," "Still Standing," "Two and a Half Men," and "Numb3rs" have also been thrown a lifeline.
NBC: Bebe Neuwirth is officially out of a job as "Law & Order: Trial by Jury" becomes the first Law & Order casualty. Not to worry - there's still the original, "Criminal Intent," and "Special Victims Unit" to keep us titillated. Also gone are "Third Watch," "American Dreams," "Committed," and "Medical Investigation," although coincidentally, main actors from each show have found new contracts on NBC. "Fear Factor" and "Scrub" will come back mid-season, while "Las Vegas," "E.R.," "The West Wing," "Crossing Jordan," "Will & Grace," and "The Apprentice" will continue another full season. In the surprise category, "Joey" and "The Biggest Loser" have also been renewed. And "Medium," NBC's only new breakout hit, will keep on giving us the chills.
FOX: Fans of "Arrested Development" have been heard, and the show returns in January, as do "American Idol" and "24." "King of the Hill," "The Simpons," "Family Guy," and the repugnant "American Dad" round out FOX's Sunday night animated fest, and comedies "That '70s Show," "The Bernie Mac Show," and "MADtv" have been renewed as well. Surprise hit "House" and the lesser-quality "The O.C." will entertain us for another year, while "Kelsey Grammer Presents the Sketch Show," "Life on A Stick," and "Quintuplets" will not. Also gone is "Tru Calling," and twin shows "Totally Outrageous Behavior" and "World's Craziest Behavior," which no one has heard of and now, never will. In other less obvious news, "Stacked," the abysmal scripted comedy starring Pamela Anderson as a bookstore clerk, has been green-lit for another season.
WB: This network has never been one for quality television, and it shows with renewals like "7th Heaven," "One Tree Hill," "Living With Fran," and "Charmed." Also lined up for another season are "Gilmore Girls," "Smallville," "Everwood," "What I Like About You," and "Reba." Not returning are the shows we've expected to suck but never really watched: "Commando Nanny," "Grounded for Life," "The Mountain," and "The Starlet." So-so shows like "Summerland," "Steve Harvey's Big Time," and "Jack & Bobby" didn't please execs, so they're gone too.
UPN: Since I don't get UPN at all, I will assume that the network canceling "Star Trek: Enterprise," "Kevin Hill," and "Second Time Around" is simply appalling. But of special importance to me is the axed "The Road to Stardom With Missy Elliott," which isn't exactly quality television but was much better than another talent show that's still on the air. Returning are "One on One," "All of Us," "Girlfriends," "Half and Half," "Cuts," and "Eve." "Veronica Mars" has had shaky ratings but good critic support, so it gets another year. And our favourite guilty pleasure, "America's Next Top Model," will once again have an opportunity to send one of its winners over to "The Surreal Life."
[ Moonlighting movie stars, another (damn) show from Jerry Bruckheimer, and Jennifer Lopez's new (damned) effort. Part I of the preview. ]