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Best of the Rest:
Music in 2007…
Best Trainwreck: Amy Winehouse
Amy Winehouse: She doesn't want to go to rehab...no, no, no [but she should].
This year’s trainwreck could have easily been Britney Spears. In fact, it should be Britney: from shaving her head to partying without panties to landing in rehab to running over some paparazzi to beating a car with an umbrella to her disastrous MTV Music Video Awards performance, Britney has redefined the meaning of “downward spiral.” But we’ve expected this from her for some time, so news of the latest Britney meltdown or her skipped court appearances should be nothing short of predictable. That’s why Amy Winehouse gets the vote for biggest trainwreck this year – she’s new blood, and her bizarre antics and insistence that she doesn’t want to go to rehab have the makings of a very juicy E! Hollywood story. Winehouse has enjoyed immense time in the media with her often-boozy performances, sudden weight loss, white powder habit, and volatile marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil, the British version of Kevin Federline. Their impassioned union, which is nothing short of creepy, culminated in a rumoured suicide watch for Winehouse when Fielder-Civil was arrested for “perverting the course of justice” by attempting to bribe a man into dropping charges against him. Despite the personal turmoil, Winehouse has hinted that she will return to the studio in 2008 – let’s hope she makes it that far.Biggest and Most Annoying Dance Craze: The Soulja Boy "Crank That"
Sure, it’s all fun and games until someone starts doing the Soulja Boy “Crank That” dance, and then it’s just exasperating. Credited with starting one of the biggest dance trends of the year, Soulja Boy Tell 'Em began as a MySpace phenom and quickly reached number one on the Billboard charts with his light-hearted and dirty anthem, "Crank That (Soulja Boy)." Soon, everyone was doing the dance, and posting the results on YouTube for everyone else to admire. Even celebrities got into the groove – Lil Wayne, T-Pain, and TLC’s Chilli were all caught on tape doing the Soulja Boy “Crank That” dance (on a sidenote, do you remember when Chilli and Usher were a couple? Those were the good ol’ days). The funniest clip comes from our very own diva, Beyoncé, who incorporated this dance into her concerts and looks like she is experiencing a seizure every time she does it. The most bizarre clip comes from actor Sam Harris, who reads the song like he’s auditioning for “Masterpiece Theatre.” Soulja Boy Tell’ Em has another video in the can, “Yaahhh!,” which, as he eloquently explains, is something that you say to someone when they’re annoying you, and you want them to get out of your face. He might want to take his own advice.Best Love Song: “Hey There, Delilah,” Plain White Ts
This track was initially released in 2005, but it wasn’t until its re-release that the song took off. With a folksy guitar backing track and harmonious lyrics about a long distance relationship, “Hey There, Delilah” (which is actually written about real-life Delilah DiCrescenzo), is perhaps the sweetest song to come out this year – especially when you consider “This Is Why I’m Hot,” “Lip Gloss,” and “Fergilicious”. After you hear this song, your heart will be melting too.Best Producer: Timbaland
He doesn’t exactly have the Midas touch (his own album has yet to reach number one on the Billboard charts), but it’s close enough to have every hot artist in the industry clamoring to work with Timbaland. Using his distinctive sound, he’s diversified his portfolio and gone beyond the usual hip-hop noise to collaborate with eclectic artists like Björk, Beck, and even J-pop star Utada Hikaru. His hit with OneRepublic, which was retooled to add a heavy beat, went straight to number one, as did tracks by Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake, Timbaland’s current BFFs. His feud with Scott Storch is laughable; when was the last time Storch had a hit to speak of? (And let’s not even talk about how Storch is happy to work with artists like Paris Hilton and Brooke Hogan.) After a string of number ones this year, Timbaland has established himself as the go-to guy for hits.Most Underwhelming Reunion: The Spice Girls
So the Spice Girls reunited for a world tour, and yes, everyone still looks fabulous. But do we even care anymore?Laziest Music Video: “Gimme More,” Britney Spears
After her lackluster performance at the MTV Music Video Awards, where she barely moved and forgot to lip-synch to half of her song, it came as no surprise that the music video or the single itself would lack the usual Britney punch of videos from yesteryear. Remember the skin-tight red leather jumpsuit in “Oops, I Did It Again”? Or the complicated choreography of “I’m A Slave For U”? Say good-bye to trying with Britney’s video for “Gimme More,” where she lazily pole dances (it’s more of a pole “two-step,” really) and stands around, badly lip-synching under a ghastly weave once again. Even her coy giggles seem lazy, like she’s forgotten the joys of the world and how to laugh. “Piece of Me” is marginally better, but still lacks the effort and showmanship that Britney usually puts forth in her videos.
Most Surprising Familial Relation: Robin Thicke
Robin Thicke: Sometimes the apple falls far, far away from the tree.
If you had told anyone that Alan Thicke, the father on the squeaky-clean “Growing Pains” and a staple of shows like “TV's Funniest Families” and "Celebrity Cooking Showdown," would end up fathering a hot R&B singer, no one would believe you, and you’d probably lose all your friends. But lo and behold, Robin, who has opted to keep the family name going, is a hot R&B singer, and he also happens to be Alan’s son. With a laid back, sultry voice, Thicke has managed to infiltrate the R&B charts despite the familial relations, and is good friends with Usher Raymond, has toured with John Legend and Keyshia Cole, and has worked with Mary J. Blige and Michael Jackson. Not bad for someone who had to grow up listening to Alan Thicke rehearse for his upcoming role in “Lamb Chop and the Haunted Studio.”Most Amusing Parody: “White And Nerdy,” Weird Al Yankovic
You know, if hip-hop didn’t put out so much fluff, there wouldn’t be a need for parodies. But as it stands, there is plenty of stuff to mock, and Weird Al has chosen Chamillionaire’s “Ridin’” as the perfect song to lambaste. The accompanying video, which features Al as a “white and nerdy” guy rapping about M.I.T., Dungeons & Dragons, Earl Grey tea, and vector calculus, among other things, has enjoyed a marketing boost on YouTube, prompting the album and single to be certified gold. And who said that nerds weren’t cool?Most Confusing Video: “Wake Up Call,” Maroon 5
Ever since “She Will Be Loved,” it became clear that Maroon 5 loves grand, sweeping concept videos. So when the opportunity arose to make another story-driven video that makes little to no sense, they jumped on it and produced “Wake Up Call,” a mock trailer that features the band on the lam from the cops, a girl locked in the trunk of a car, the murder of Jeremy Sisto, and lead singer Adam Levine showing a mirror what’s what by beating it in with a bat. Alas, the video ends up looking like a spliced compilation of all the coolest things that the band has seen in big-budget Hollywood films, but without the coherent plot. At least it was kind of sexy to see Adam Levine kick in a door with his skinny, girly legs.Scariest Dad-to-Be: Joel Madden, Good Charlotte
When news of Nicole Richie’s pregnancy spread this summer, there was a collective mouth drop at the realization that the father of her unborn child is none other than Joel Madden, lead singer and sometime troublemaker of pop-rock band Good Charlotte. Joel has managed two great feats in less than a year: he has broken up with teen queen Hilary Duff and started up a relationship with Nicole Richie in a month’s time, and he has managed to get the skeletal Richie pregnant, which is hard to believe considering that her hormone levels would have probably dropped off around the time she hit the fifty-pound mark. Now, the future dad is off quitting smoking for the good of the child, shopping for baby things with the glowing Richie, and even talking about marriage. But with Madden’s track record, these changes haven’t stopped bets on how long this relationship will last.So Cute You Could Barf A Little: Seal and Heidi Klum
Models and rock stars go hand-in-hand like macaroni and cheese, so it comes at no surprise that Seal and Heidi Klum are an item. In fact, their love and devotion to one another is pretty sweet. But as of late, this love and devotion has translated into too much TMI, especially when Klum revealed on "Oprah," “I met [Seal] in a hotel lobby in New York City and he came in just from the gym and I was sitting there and I was, like, wow. And I pretty much saw everything. The whole package." Thanks for the plug, Heidi. Not only is Klum enamoured by Seal’s beautiful phallic music, but she’s also quite fond of making her children’s attempts to get fake IDs more difficult by giving them multiple names. Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel joined brother Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu Samuel in late 2006.
Weirdest Couple: Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood
Marilyn and Evan: So much weirdness, so little time.
If skinny, ghastly pale shock-rockers are your cup of tea, and you don’t mind occasionally writhing around in a vat of blood or tightening corsets or sharing your red lipstick, you just might be Rose McGowan, Dita von Teese, or Evan Rachel Wood. Each of these women has, at one time or another, engaged in a relationship with Marilyn Manson, who seems to have his type down to a science. Manson divorced von Teese amidst rumours of an affair with Evan Rachel Wood, and then…proceeded to engage in a relationship with Wood, the cherub-faced nineteen-year-old ingénue who, at one point, dated Jamie Bell and starred in Thirteen and this year’s Across the Universe. Strangely enough, Wood not only matured considerably since she first appeared in “Once and Again,” but also began dressing and looking an awful lot like von Teese. When she appeared in Manson’s music video for “Heart Shaped Glasses,” which depicted a graphic sex scene involving Wood, Manson, and a vat of blood, she made a strong statement about their relationship: no one is weirder than us.Whatever Happened To: Eminem
Just a little over three years ago, you could barely load a page on Happygrrls without getting a mention of Eminem. But now, it’s almost passé to even mention the rapper when you’ve got the likes of T.I. and Kanye West topping the charts. After an abysmal duet with Akon, airwaves were strangely filled with less controversy as Eminem seemed to retreat back into the shadows (he re-emerged for The Re-Up, but does it count if you just stick your name in front of a project?). So exactly where did Eminem go? Has he been holed up in his mansion with Hailie this whole time, receiving daily updates of the world, and his mail, from Dr. Dre? Is he waiting for Mariah Carey to release an album? Are we to assume that Eminem will disappear with the likes of Lil’ Kim, Fat Joe, and, dare I say it, Ja Rule? Eminem does have an upcoming project that’s yet to be released (boldly titled King Mathers). It’s a good thing, too – the long silence has been deafening.Worst Biopic: El Cantante
As if Gigli weren’t a learning experience to last a lifetime, Jennifer Lopez went back to the movies and spearheaded a vanity project for her husband, Marc Anthony. The biopic, El Cantante, is based on the life and times of famed salsa singer Héctor Lavoe. Not one to be outshined by anyone, including her husband, Lopez was cast as Lavoe’s wife and muse, Puchi Martinez. The film did abysmally at the box office (though DVD sales were brisk), and was generally panned by critics. Better luck next time, Jennifer.Worst Musician Turned Actress: Jessica Simpson
If you’ve ever wanted to watch a remake of Working Girl with a lead who has no acting talent, then you just might be in luck: Blonde Ambition, the “comedy” starring Jessica Simpson and Luke Wilson, is going straight to DVD. Prior to the release, the film screened at eight theatres in Texas, grossing a measly $1,332 in its opening weekend (that’s about a total of 166 ticket sales, which is about ten people less than the expected attendance at a Backstreet Boys concert). But Blonde Ambition is only the culmination of a career built on unwatchable movies like The Dukes of Hazzard and Employee of the Month. Simpson is next slated to star in Major Movie Star, another straight-to-DVD stinker that, judging by the caliber of co-stars like Steve Guttenberg, Cheri Oteri, and Vivica A. Fox, will be a hoot. If the movie thing doesn’t work out, Simpson can always fall back on her music career. On second thought, she might want to consider going back to school. ¤ C.Ho.