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Tube Talk:
A first look at "90210"…
Yes, I admit it. Last week, I hunkered down in front of my television for a two-hour stretch and watched the premiere of the new “90210.” Like many people who grew up with the show in the '90s, I needed to indulge in the lives of glitzy teens engaged in melodramas that would never occur had any one of them possessed a modicum of logic in their perfectly coiffed head.
PSST!
The premiere offered everything I had imagined – and more. I cried with glee when the new, showy opening credits flashed across my screen. I wept with joy when Kelly and Brenda had their reunion at the revamped Peach Pit and made amends. I cursed the high heavens when Dixon, the principal’s kid, was wrongfully accused of starting a fight on the lacrosse field and subsequently denied a spot on the team. And I gushed when Ty, the hot morsel of soft, feminine-featured hunk, whisked Annie away to dinner in San Francisco.
OK, so none of that happened. But I did surprisingly enjoy the back-to-back episodes of the teen drama. What can I say? I’m a sucker for spoiled teens with unlimited wardrobes and shinier hair than mine.
Here’s a first look at the major players:
Hi, I’m Annie Wilson, the anti-Brenda Walsh. How do I know? For starters, I’m really, really nice and have no discernible bitchy side that I’m itching to unleash. And my brother isn’t lame like Brandon! But anyway, I love to do the right thing, and I’m probably the nicest teenager you will ever see on your screens. Unfortunately, I’m from Kansas, so you know that makes it harder for me to understand the intricate life of Californians. Like, I would never, ever in a million years think that someone would actually plagiarize an old paper that I gave them just because it’s due the next day and they’d rather plan their Super Sweet 16 party than do their own damn homework. But really, I’m not stupid! Just really, really gullible. Don’t feel sorry for me though – you know I’m going to get more action than anyone on this show.
Hi, I’m Dixon Wilson, Annie’s adopted brother and confidante, although I’m not very good at the latter since I’ve managed to blab one of her big secrets by the halfway mark of the first episode. Oops! My current role on the show is to make playing the game of lacrosse something cool and desirable to status-hungry teenagers. I do hope I have a better storyline by sweeps. I have some hang-ups about being adopted and being the principal’s son, but I’m sure that will never come up in future episodes…well, maybe just the first few. If you think you’ve seen me in harder edged, more critically acclaimed work like “The Wire” and Half Nelson, you’re mistaken.
Hi, I’m Naomi Clark, the rich, spoiled bitch who always gets her way. But wait! That’s not the only side of me. Let’s see…everyone thinks I’m an airhead (even though I’m not). I have an inferiority complex because my older sister goes to Harvard. My boyfriend can’t stand me and has to cheat with one of my best friends to get the point across. And I’m pretty sure there’s going to be something about my dad being a two-timing dog that will make me more relatable. Just stick around, I’m sure the layers are coming.
Hi, I’m Ethan Ward, probably the blandest, most passive leading man you’ve ever seen on television (next to the guys on “One Tree Hill”). I’m supposed to be a hunk, even though most of the time I don’t seem to have a backbone and need other people to tell me right from wrong. I sometimes cheat on my girlfriend, but that’s only because I don’t know how to tell her that I want to break up with her. I’m kind of into Annie, but since I seem to be pretty much of a wuss, that will take another season or two to resolve. But on the bright side, I have awesome teeth. Oh, and I surf sometimes.
Hi, I’m Erin Silver. Yes, that Erin Silver. The one that used to poop on-screen and provide Kelly with an alibi every time she hooked up with Dylan that one summer. Anyway, I’m a hot teenager now, and only go by Silver (don’t know you know first names are so passé?). I’m generally angry and blog (badly) about it, but underneath my stylish emo exterior, I do have a soft, gooey middle. Just don’t try to find it, or I’ll kill you.
Hi, I’m Navid Shirazi, the cool AV guy (no, that’s not an oxymoron) who will one day go on to become the next Eli Roth. I’m apparently Dixon’s only friend, but that’s because he appreciates the irony of life like I do. I don’t do much at the moment, but my dad is a porn director so that alone makes me much cooler than anyone on this show.
Hi, I’m Adrianna. I’m not sure why I’m billed as a secondary character since I’ve got so much going on: I hang out with the cool kids and rule school drama productions even though I’m secretly a drug addict with a deadbeat mom. Sounds like prime material, no? It must be the hair.
Hi, we’re Harry and Debbie Wilson, the hottest parents to ever grace prime time. How did we raise a teenage daughter and manage to tap into the spring of eternal youth? Even we don’t know. Unlike our predecessors the Walshes, we’ve got so much of our own drama going on that we don’t have time to hate Annie’s boyfriends or house half of Dixon’s friends in our mansion. For starters, Harry has a secret illegitimate child that he just learned about. Any bets as to which cast member this could be?
Hi, I’m Ryan Matthews, the young, hip English teacher at West Beverly. I don’t know why I teach…I don’t seem to particularly like children or want to be around them, but what the hey, it does get me an audience when I want to rant against consumerism or the spoiled brats I have to see day in and day out. Plus, I’ll forever be known as the guy who hands out book reports in the first week of school. I’ll tell you one perk that teaching does have: it gets me one step closer to Kelly Taylor, who is one hot guidance counselor. If that doesn’t pan out, you can always catch me in a sexual harassment storyline next year.
Hi, I’m Kelly Taylor. Yes, the one and only! I’ve given up my super-fabulous life as a fashion designer to counsel the future leaders of America. I have a four-year-old son and I’m not sure how he got here, but hopefully the producers will tell me eventually. After years and years of Dylan’s brooding and Brandon’s wishy-washiness, can you blame me for wanting to be single?
Hi, I’m Brenda Walsh. I’m trying to be nice, but a small part of me is dying inside. “90210” is obviously fluff, but a strangely satisfying one considering its earnestness in trying to be hipper than its first incarnation. Panned by critics, the jury is still out on who will be tuning in, but I’m actually keen on seeing which direction the producers will take this show. They’ve already given me something to look forward to with these memorably cheesy lines:
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“I’m breaking up with us.”Welcome to the new “90210,” bitch! ¤ C.Ho.
