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American Idol 4:
Another season, another singing "sensation"…
Your American Idol Top Twelve
The twelve have been chosen - but who is here to stay? Let's take a look.Anthony Federov (19)
American Idol Prototype: Heartthrob of the safe variety. You know you can drool over him and think he's a cutie without having to take any cold showers afterwards. He's the Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys, pre-Paris Hilton.
Rocked With: "I've Got You," Marc Anthony; "Something About The Way You Look Tonight," Elton John
Stank With: "Hold On to the Nights," Richard Marx
Analysis: Anthony was clearly an early favourite, what with the tracheotomy and all, but quickly fell from the judges' good graces because…he's too much like Clay Aiken? He's too boy-band to market? He likes to sing cheesy pop songs by Marc Anthony? Any of these criticisms are good enough to earn a backlash, but none of them are clearly his fault. The comparisons to 2003's runner up, Clay Aiken, are unwarranted. He's Clay v. 2.0 because…they both wear glasses? They're both slim? I suspect these comparisons are only in place because the judges love to compartmentalize the contestants ahead of time. Don't fit into a neat box with a bow? Then you're not the one for us. As for his song choices, Anthony is as safe as they get. He likes to sing pop ballads and make faces to the camera - at us - and sometimes dances awkwardly. He changed it up with Marc Anthony's fast-paced "I've Got You" and did a great job (FYI: he lists Marc Anthony as one of his favourite artists…blah). He took "Something About The Way You Look Tonight" and sang the hell out of it. Of course, following that performance, Simon commented that it was painful to hear, which was totally contrived. At this stage, Anthony could sing a duet with Elton John while performing a tracheotomy on stage, and Simon would still yawn and tell him it isn't good enough. Anthony's got great pipes and really hits those power notes, although he usually starts off flat and disinterested. He's got great control, but ultimately lacks in performance. I mean, he's all right to look at, but he's kind of boring. His future is shaky: he's already landed in the bottom three once (and Constantine has yet to - the ultimate dis, if you ask me), and his performances are inconsistent. Sometimes he rocks, sometimes not so much.
Odds of Winning: 12:1
Results: 4th placeAnwar Robinson (25)
American Idol Prototype: Singing schoolteacher who believes in rainbows and puppies and our kids' future. You could totally take him home to meet mom and dad, but you could never make out with him because you'd know he'd start crying immediately after. And then you'd get sick of him because he'd forward you two or three daily affirmations in a row, and his signature would have a bunch of smiley faces attached to it. He's like Maria von Trapp from The Sound of Music.
Rocked With: "What A Wonderful World," Louis Armstrong
Stank With: "Ain't Nobody," Chaka Khan; "I Believe I Can Fly," R. Kelly
Analysis: Anwar started off strong, but as each week passes his performances become consistently weaker and lackluster. An Anwar performance is one that can be muted until the very last twenty seconds, where you've got to turn up the volume on the television screen to catch those two or three glory notes. His strengths lie in his arrangements - "What A Wonderful World" could have been just another rendition of American Idol mediocrity, but with a few tweaks here and there, the usual low-register melody turned into a powerhouse performance. His other choices - Chaka Khan and R. Kelly - suffered from shaky beginnings. I would have never thought a trained vocalist like Anwar was capable of hitting the wrong notes, but there they were, all flat and sharp and wafting through my television screen. Anwar relies too much on the power notes that he's used to belting out, when he should really focus on the subdued notes that flank the song. Also, his goody-two-shoes act (or personality, depending on how much you believe it) might be too grating for viewers who want someone slightly more flawed and real. His Mona Lisa smile is also discomforting. Cry if you want to, smile if you want to, but don't try to do both. Anwar will last longer than others, but if he keeps up this streak of ambitious but ultimately wrong song choices, he won't make it to the top six.
Odds of Winning: 8:1
Results: 7th placeBo Bice (29)
American Idol Prototype: He's the rocker with a heart of gold. Don't let the unkempt hair fool you - Bo takes his music career seriously, and one suspects he often cries at night for selling his soul to American Idol. He's Nikki McKibbin from Season One, if Nikki were more talented.
Rocked With: "Drift Away," Dobie Gray; "I'll Be," Edwin McCain
Stank With: "Time In A Bottle," Jim Croce; "Remedy," Black Crowes
Analysis: Bo rocks, and everyone knows it. The best thing about Bo is that he's unassuming and humble and performs in clothes that his hip grandma made him. He's got a consistent voice and knows how to use it. He has stage presence and has fun with his performances. Even the more subdued vocals in "Time In A Bottle" and "I'll Be" are smooth and on key. Bo doesn't rely on those powerhouse songs that contestants are more than willing to sing; he takes a song and goes with it because he's confident in the quality of his voice. He wasn't an early favourite (as I recall, Simon didn't want to put him through) but the masses (read: judges) are awakening to his innate star quality, and now they're eating their words. Except for Paula, maybe; she was an early fan, as much as she was for any of the other men in the competition. Bo could come out in a tarp and sing a "Teletubby" song, and the crowd would still go wild. There are two drawbacks to being Bo: he picks great songs for his style and range, but when the theme gives him less room to work with (for example, Motown night or Standards night), one has to wonder how he will fare out of his element. The other detriment is his range. Although Bo has a strong voice, it seems unlikely that he would be able to belt out higher notes. Also, Bo should not keep reminding people that he is old and has been doing his rock thing for decades; it almost puts him as a disadvantage because people will realize that he has a clear advantage over everyone else and will start voting for an underdog. Bo is a strong contender to land in the top three, but I don't want him to win. He's much better than this show, and should only use it as a springboard to better things, not as a career move.
Odds of Winning: 2:1
Results: 2nd placeCarrie Underwood (21)
American Idol Prototype: She's the small town girl from Checotah (five bucks if you can find it on a map) who, before being thrown into the spotlight, rode around on a tractor-trailer and only kissed one boy after the barnyard dance. Her bio says that we'd be most surprised to learn that she "can't buy underwear." But we're not that surprised, are we?
Rocked With: "Could've Been," Tiffany
Stank With: "Alone," Heart
Analysis: The judges love Carrie, so that automatically makes her dead in our eyes. Yes, the woman can sing; yes, she's pretty to look at; yes, we can easily picture her cranking out a final single written by Fantasia Barrino or Tamyra Gray in which she sings about love and hope but it's secretly about winning "American Idol." Carrie is the obvious female choice for "Idol," so we have to hear it every week instead of making up our own mind about it. The love for Carrie knows no bounds; that is, until she steps out of her neatly created "box" (which, as it currently stands, is small-town girl who sings country) and tries something else. Then we'll begin to see the cracks in the varnish through the judges' eyes. Simon will tell her that he didn't like it, Randy will say he wasn't "feeling it," and Paula will assure her that at least she's got her looks. Which makes me feel all the worse for Carrie, who didn't ask for any of this. She needs to concentrate on doing what she does best, which is singing, and upping her stage presence. I would love to see her try another type of song then the pseudo-country she's been doing lately, but I fear for her when she actually will.
Odds of Winning: 3:2
Results: 1st placeConstantine Maroulis (29)
American Idol Prototype: Faux rocker-type who discovered early on in high school that girls dug it, so he stayed with the look. Secretly a theatre major that is more about the flash than the substance. Probably owns a Soul Asylum CD and thinks that gives him street cred. Rivals Justin Guarini for ego, but with only half the singing ability.
Rocked With: "I Can't Make You Love Me," Bonnie Raitt (or so the judges say)
Stank With: "Kiss From A Rose," Seal
Analysis: Constantine would like to tell us that he likes "honest music," whatever that means. He'll also like to let us know that if his Idol dreams don't pan out, he'll gladly go back to "writing and rocking." Well, thanks for that. I don't know what we'd do if Constantine suddenly stopped writing his good music and rocking out to it. Out of the male contestants, Constantine has the least talent vocally, and maybe he knows it and maybe he doesn't. And yet, he's still here, and he's still yet to make the bottom three, although he consistently performs at a middling rate. The judges think he's got the prepubescent vote down, and he probably does, although I don't know any woman in Canada who finds Constantine the least bit attractive (what with the double chin and crappy hair) or talented. Since he's in a band of some sort, I imagine that his stage presence is superior to some of the other contestants, although I don't generally categorize a few "rocker" faces and a mike swing as "stage presence." The biggest hyperbole came when Simon remarked that with "I Can't Make You Love Me," Constantine out sang Bo Bice. Bo, probably back stage at this point, rolled his eyes so far back into his head that they probably hit his brain. Of course, Bo's "Remedy" that night wasn't his best, so maybe it's okay to dis Bo once in a while because we expect more from him than we do Constantine. It's tiring to see the judges pit Bo against Constantine, as if they were even remotely of the same caliber. As Simon might say, it's like comparing a fine steak to the stuff that your dog threw up. Constantine needs to drop the rocker thing and pick songs that he's most comfortable with, and ones that don't involve particularly high notes. Also, he should learn how to enunciate. Nevertheless, he should stay alive longer than expected, since the girls seem to dig his faux-rock.
Odds of Winning: 5:1
Results: 6th placeJessica Sierra (19)
American Idol Prototype: She's the fun girl in class who is always bubbling with gossip and trash-talks the teachers with you. She's also the one who's most likely to go to a country and western bar, get drunk, and leave with the first guy that hits on her.
Rocked With: "Against All Odds," Phil Collins; "Total Eclipse of the Heart," Bonnie Tyler
Stank With: "On The Side of Angels," LeAnn Rimes
Analysis: Jessica's ousting on the last show was a shock. She clearly possesses one of the best voices in the top twelve, and knows how to control it and use it at her will. After cruising by on some of the best performances of the group, she took a fall when she sang "On The Side of Angels," a song choice that was slow and boring and didn't showcase her great range and strong, boisterous voice. What the song lacked in powerhouse notes was salvaged by smaller nuances like a perfectly placed voice crack in a note, or a clear note at the end. These seemingly natural touches show that Jessica is in total control the whole time, and as anyone who's ever tried karaoke might know, held notes without any runs or trickery are the hardest to perform. But then Simon, again showing us that he's been drinking off-screen with Paula, commented off-handedly that Jessica is not likeable, which I found apropos to nothing that he's been saying in the previous weeks. Of course, his comment only served to feed into the voters' paranoid frenzy. People who have never met Jessica suddenly started thinking, "Yeah, I don't think I do like her. She looks like she's up to no good." Jessica and Carrie are both talented, but for some reason, the powers that be chose to push Carrie ahead in this competition, most likely figuring that both blonde women would eventually cancel each other out if left in the top five. Indeed, I used to get Jessica and Carrie mixed up all the time, until I realized that Jessica is the sluttier-looking one of the two. Plus, Jessica has a more colourful voice than Carrie. I suppose that perhaps Jessica wasn't the wholesome winner they're searching for.
Odds of Winning: 20:1
Results: 10th placeLindsey Cardinale (20)
American Idol Prototype: She's the beauty queen who is not afraid to talk to her less popular peers. She's also never heard anyone ever say anything bad about her. Her beauty, and less stellar than expected vocals, make her this season's Carmen Rasmusen.
Rocked With: "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing," Aerosmith
Stank With: "I Try To Think About Elvis," Patti Loveless; "Knock On Wood," Otis Redding
Analysis: Lindsey's imminent ejection was clear from the pre-top twelve shows. She wowed judges at the Hollywood semifinals, but finally ran out of steam during the top twelve. Lindsey's got a pretty decent voice, but she wasn't picking the right songs for her range. The trouble with having a lower register is that it blends in with the band all too easily, so the audience can't hear a word she's saying, or whether she's saying it on pitch. I thought Lindsey would have stayed alive longer in this competition just based on her ability to look like an Idol, but I suppose that one Carmen incident was more than enough. I will give her this - when she was berated by Simon, she held herself better than most people would, and she really came across as a decent and classy lady.
Odds of Winning: 100:1
Results: 12th placeMikalah Gordon (17)
American Idol Prototype: She's the damaged cheerleader who constantly craves attention because that's how she gauges her self-worth. She comes across as confident, precocious, and wacky, not because she is those things, but because that's what she thinks people want to see from her. She will eventually marry a plastic surgeon and appear in several reality shows. She will also force her daughters to compete in beauty pageants to recapture her glory days.
Rocked With: "God Bless the Child," Barbara Streisand
Stank With: "Young Hearts Run Free," Kym Mazelle; "Love Will Lead You Back," Taylor Dane
Analysis: From the moment that Mikalah stepped on my screen, I knew I would be counting the days to her inevitable ejection. Her Hollywood clips showed a booming voice, but when the weekly sing-outs began, her voice just wasn't up to par with her other peers. Her shtick on "Young Hearts Run Free," when she started speaking over the music to let Simon know that she was singing to him, was tired and only served to highlight how much she couldn't, or didn't want to, sing. And then she went down in flames with "Love Will Lead You Back," taking too literally Paula's comment that she sounded like Taylor Dane. She may hold that grating, growling quality as Dane does, but she just didn't have the vocal endurance to hit all the glory notes. The judges begged for the "old" Mikalah to come back, even though she was never really gone. Perhaps they meant "old" as in "good." For the record, I never wanted any of the Mikalah on my screen, but there she was. It was painful to watch the results show while Mikalah was still on; when the camera panned to her, she'd have a crazy look in her eye like she was going to snap from the anticipation. One suspects that for her, this was more than realizing her lifelong dream of being a performer. This was literally about finding some self-esteem. What was even more annoying than the "American Idol" screen time was seeing Mikalah on Extra! or Access Hollywood, proclaiming her love for John Gotti, the grandchild of New York mobster John Gotti. And she said it in her Fran Drescher voice, while looking a lot like Minnie Driver. John Gotti was forced to watch the tape and comment on air, in which he very diplomatically said something about being flattered, although I can never understand a word those boys are saying. Mikalah was good for a short run, but no one would really have the patience to hear her voice on a 14-track album.
Odds of Winning: 75:1
Results: 11th placeNadia Turner (28)
American Idol Prototype: She's the girl who you can't help but like, even though she always seems so well put together and so sure of herself. You can go to her for advice on anything, and she'll always make you feel better. She was also the self-proclaimed geek in high school and loves telling you about how geeky she was, although you know that she was well liked and all the boys wanted to date her. She's Tamyra Gray, but with more stage presence and less singing ability.
Rocked With: "Power Of Love," Ashley Cleveland; "I'm The Only One," Melissa Etheridge
Stank With: "My Love," Wings; "Time After Time," Cindi Lauper
Analysis: Nadia has star power, and dare I say it, the "It" factor the judges always throw around because of their inability to articulate anything else. She looks great on stage and knows how to play up to the cameras. Because she's a little older, she comes across as elegant and sophisticated, even when she's rocking a Mohawk. Her vocal range is what will eventually do her in. She's got a low, thin voice that's hard to hide, even though her song choices are usually a good fit for her. Compared to the previous winners' aptitudes, she doesn't have a chance in hell of winning, unless they drop the final song an octave or two. Still, I'd rather buy her album than Fantasia Barrino's. To stay alive, Nadia will have to keep picking reliable songs that are not too technically difficult or have a lot of range, because otherwise that will only heighten her vocal shortcomings. She rocks the stage and is interesting to watch, but renditions like "Time After Time" fall short because she can't fake the timbre of her voice. She really shines with passionate, slightly rock-based songs. She should definitely keep working the Melissa Etheridge edge, although many viewers might start confusing that with some kind of admission to her sexual preference. She's already been in the bottom three, so she's holding onto a thread. She takes chances more often and more confidently than everyone else, but it isn't enough to keep fans invested in her voice.
Odds of Winning: 20:1
Results: 8th placeNikko Smith (22)
American Idol Prototype: He's the perpetual underdog that viewers once deemed not good enough to beat Constantine or Mario, and now he's the golden boy who hasn't been in the bottom three yet. Nikko is the guy that livens up any party he's attending, and he's approachable enough that you can strike up a conversation about anything. He's also the guy that won't hesitate to do a Michael Jackson moonwalk when he lands a date or does well at a job interview. He also looks like Robert Townsend, but cuter.
Rocked With: "I Want You Back," Jackson Five
Stank With: "Can We Talk," Tevin Campbell
Analysis: During the top twenty-four, I didn't have much of an opinion on Nikko. He was passably good, but not so much that he gave any of the other eleven shoo-ins a run for their money. I even liked Judd Harris better than Nikko because Judd showed personality and stage persona, while Nikko seemed to milk his smooth-as-silk R&B leanings a little too much. We already had Ruben Studdard cornering the Marvin Gaye market; having Nikko around only seemed to garner him at a second-rate standing. His "Georgia On My Mind" performance sums Nikko up nicely: strange song choices that work for some and tank for others. In the top twelve, Nikko has been safe thus far, and the judges haven't stopped praising his dicey song choices and enthusiastic performances. "Incomplete" by Dru Hill was a big risk (and not only because Nikko was admitting that he remembered Dru Hill) and it worked. "Can We Talk" was also an iffy choice, and it didn't go over so well. Luckily, Nikko has a way of singing that makes his rendition sound markedly different from the original, so there's no room for comparison. He's also the only contestant that can dance. That should keep him around for a while.
Odds of Winning: 10:1
Results: 9th placeScott Savol (28)
American Idol Prototype: Crazed ex-convict who discovers that his gift for violence is overshadowed by his gift for singing. And I'm saying this even before I skip over to the Smoking Gun to look at Scott's police records.
Rocked With: "Against All Odds," Phil Collins
Stank With: "One Last Cry," Brian McKnight
Analysis: Scott may have one of the best voices here, but the man's creepy. He creeped me out during the Hollywood semifinals, he creeped me out when he made the cut into the top twelve, and every Tuesday and Wednesday nights he continues to creep me out. There is no mistaking the vacant look in his eyes or the way he holds the microphone like he's fantasizing about breaking into your house and throttling your neck in the same manner. Psycho tendencies aside, Scott is one of those people blessed with an effortlessly amazing voice. I suppose that's why he decided to leave his group during the Hollywood group audition, and while managing to look like a big dick about it, still made the cut although the other two hardworking members in his group did not. I suppose the power of his voice is also allowing him to get away with a tame stage presence or full-blown "screw you" faces at Simon. I know that Simon keeps commenting on how Scott isn't "Idol" material; in other words, Scott ain't that pretty to look at. But Simon keeps missing the point, which isn't about how Scott looks, per se, but how Scott looks freakin' scary. I may like the way Scott sounds, but ultimately, the man is deranged. Which should keep him around for a while longer, unless the scandal makes him lose his fan base - which it should. (And he has a son. Which means that someone has made it with this man.)
Odds of Winning: 25:1
Results: 5th placeVonzell Solomon (21)
American Idol Prototype: Sweet-voiced woman with a lot of energy that will eventually become grating. She's the sleeper of the group, who mesmerizes with her charming, dimpled smile and kind of gets by without anyone really remembering whether they've voted for her or not. She's this season's Latoya London.
Rocked With: "Best Of My Love," The Emotions
Stank With: "If I Ain't Got You," Alicia Keys
Analysis: Vonzell's got a decent voice, but it's just short of great to stand out. She's definitely out of her league when compared to Bo or Carrie or even Scott. But she's consistently better than Nadia or Constantine or even Anwar, on his off days. Vonzell's been flying under the radar in this competition; none of the judges dislike her, but no one is really rooting for her either. As the group dwindles down each week, watch for Vonzell to start upping the stakes with her performances. I'll give her this: her song choices are no walk in the park, and even when she can't hit the notes or runs out of steam, she hides it pretty well. Her "I Have Nothing" (by a pre-rehab Whitney Houston) performance was ambitious, and overall it was solid. On the other hand, "If I Ain't Got You" was really, really painful. Vonzell, if you ever listen carefully, has a voice of a twelve year old. It doesn't translate well when trying for Alicia Keys, but it works for a less smoldering song like "Best of My Love." Her exuberant personality and bold song choices should propel her to the top six (that is, if the streak of women being booted off ends by next week), but she'll eventually succumb to her vocal shortcomings. She should last longer than Nadia, Anthony, or Anwar - but Carrie, Bo and even insufferable Constantine are going to give her a run for her money.
Odds of Winning: 4:1
Results: 3rd place
[ Why are we watching this? Part I of the phenomenon. ]