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Never Gonna Give You Up:
When bad videos happen to good people…
During the MTV Video Music Awards, a boisterous Justin Timberlake announced to the viewing public that MTV should play more music videos. And while no one ever wants to admit that Justin Timberlake is right, it is true that the music station has been suffering from a drought of actual music. Since its inception in the early 80s, MTV has evolved into a dumping ground for reality shows based around rich kids, spoiled kids, and rich spoiled kids who want to pimp their rides. But even as we denounce the state of MTV today, the true question lies in whether we’re truly ready to go back to watching music videos, especially ones that are so mind-numbingly dull and/or stupid that they should come with a warning label.And to kick things off with Justin Timberlake, here’s what happens when bad videos happen to the best of them. ¤ C.Ho.
Justin Timberlake
By now, we’ve all come to regard Timberlake as more than a one-hit-wonder, but let’s face it, his music videos haven’t always held up to the caliber of his musical talents – and I’m not even talking about his ‘N Sync days (although those frightful music videos deserve an article all their own). When Timberlake released his first solo album, Justified, he grew some facial hair and had teen girls swooning all over the place. But what wasn’t worth gushing over was the album’s first video, “Like I Love You,” in which Timberlake suffers from amnesia and thinks he is Michael Jackson, if Michael Jackson were attracted to women and not something else that shan’t be mentioned for fear of a libel suit. And while I’m all for finding some street cred through overproduced music videos, there’s just something very wrong about dancing in front of a 7-11 to try to catch a woman’s attention. Another chart-topping single, “Rock Your Body,” is equal parts space mumbo jumbo and Jamiroquai throwback and very, very boring. By the time “Senorita” hit MTV, it was obvious that Timberlake’s music videos were becoming one-note, down to the requisite overtly sexual but not rap-video-skanky background extras, The Clipse cameos, and Timberlake’s mad dancing skills, which often involved grinding up on some poor, unsuspecting woman, and then trying not to head butt her with his jerky head movements. “Cry Me A River,” one of the album’s best songs, tries for a narrative structure that is much better than the aforementioned videos, and serves its purpose quite well by successfully garnering enough buzz to stick it to Britney Spears without actually saying that it’s about Britney Spears. And while I’m all about building the street cred by having Timbaland holed up in a car in your video, I’m not so sure about the stalker and borderline sociopath undertones that the video implies when Timberlake breaks into his ex-girlfriend’s home, tapes himself getting freaky with an emaciated model who isn’t supposed to be Alyssa Milano at all, and creepily watches from the closet as his ex showers upon returning home. With FutureSex/LoveSounds, Timberlake’s videos have improved immensely, even if that means having to sit through the stupendously melodramatic “What Goes Around…Comes Around.”
Fergie
I know only about five per cent of the population thinks that Fegie is good people, so you might wonder why she ended up on this list. In her defense, Fergie used to not suck, back when the Black Eyed Peas were less about will.i.am and more about the music. But as Fergie became progressively suckier, so did her music videos. “London Bridge” was supposed to be sexy, but quickly transgressed into slutty faster than you can say, “gyrating on a Guard sounded like a good idea in hindsight.” Then came “Fergalicious,” a monstrosity of a video that features a hideous set yanked from a high school production of Willy Wonka, Fergie rolling around in a pile of candy, and random exercise sequences that just seem like filler – well, besides the obligatory will.i.am cameo. In “Glamorous,” Fergie goes back to her…Latina roots, while she whines about the ails of her…acting career, and then returns home to clink glasses with…Alfonso Ribeiro. Yeah, it didn’t make much sense to me either. Finally, Fergie completes her bad music video empire with “Big Girls Don't Cry,” in which she wears ugly suspenders, sings about Uno, and lives with a drug addict who looks like he hasn’t showered in days. will.i.am would be proud.
Beyoncé
When you think of Beyoncé, the same collective spiel comes to mind: Beyoncé’s hot, she was the only good thing about Destiny’s Child, she should marry Jay-Z already, she’s hot, she can’t dance but we love her anyway, she’s hot, and so on. But what really doesn’t come to mind is how most of her music videos suck, even though they totally do. With the exception of a handful of videos, Beyoncé’s repertoire rests solely on Beyoncé wearing various outfits as she gyrates wildly or glares at the camera in a lustful rage. I understand the need for Beyoncé’s pretty, pretty face to be smeared all over her music videos, but it sometimes causes videos like “Déjà Vu” to be made, a tedious three-minute what-the-heck-was-that? video that looks like it was compiled in three hours by a drunken crew. “Ring the Alarm,” while a so-so song that was surely meant to showcase Beyoncé’s tougher, don’t-mess-with-me side, also showcases Beyoncé’s alarming need for less red lipstick and a good hairstylist, not to mention a concept that doesn’t seem at times like an inappropriate rip-off of Basic Instinct. “Beautiful Liar,” a collaboration with Shakira – probably the only woman in music that could rival Beyoncé’s booty – is chock full of bouncy hair, hip shaking, and twin imagery that becomes tacky by the two-minute mark, when both women writhe on the floor in sync before doing a strange Abba routine that includes humping the wall, and possibly each other. There’s not much to say about “Irreplaceable,” except that when I’ve gone through a disappointing break-up, I too heal by singing about it half-naked in my dressing room. At least Beyoncé can find comfort in the fact that even though her videos may not be the best, she’s still rolling around in mounds of cash.
Janet Jackson
It’s not the fact that she showed America half of her right breast that caused Janet Jackson to fall off the face of pop culture – it’s her dreadful music videos. Remember when “If” made her edgy, tough, and cool? And when the sexy “That’s the Way Love Goes” sent tingles down our spines? Even when her songs were only halfway decent, Jackson’s oeuvre still retained some sort of refinement. But then her songs became boring, and so did the videos. “Call on Me” is not only snore inducing, but it’s also accompanied by a dull video. We’re not here to watch Jackson parade in the desert, wearing her grandmother’s smock and forgetting to blot her lipstick, nor are we here to watch Nelly’s ugly gold tooth. Similarly, we don’t need to see dingy bathrooms, little Jermaine Dupri, and a half naked Jackson (seriously, because we’ve already seen her breast so there’s no need to act coy all of a sudden) like we do in “I’m So Excited.” And who is that drag queen in “Just A Little While”? Oh, never mind. Once upon a time, Jackson was a musical pioneer, but now it seems like she’s the one running to catch up.
T-Pain
As far as R&B crooners go, T-Pain is neither offensive nor remarkable, but he is lucky for getting famous from a couple of catchy tunes. One of these is “Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin'),” which is a little ditty about, well, buying someone a drink. Another one is “Bartender,” a little ditty about, well, a bartender. Not only are these two songs very similar in theme and style, but they’re also the same music video. It seems that poor T-Pain has been duped by his record company, who saved five hundred dollars in the last fiscal quarter by recycling sets and extras from “Buy U A Drank” in order to produce “Bartender.” Don’t believe me? Try playing these songs on mute, and then distinguishing one from the other. Not so easy, is it? Maybe this will help: “Buy U A Drank” features T-Pain chilling in a dimly lit bar, surrounded by women of questionable background, crosscut with images of T-Pain dancing. “Bartender” features T-Pain chilling in a dimly lit bar, surrounded by women of questionable background, crosscut with images of T-Pain and Akon dancing. But upon closer inspection, it might appear that they’re not the same video after all – in fact, you might notice that “Bartender” does not include a close-up of a brandy snifter, while “Buy U A Drank” does. Hopefully this will help next time you happen across a T-Pain music video.
Gwen Stefani
What do you get when you smoke crack, and then raid your local Hallowe’en costume shop? Most likely, a Gwen Stefani video (but really, don’t smoke crack, because it’s whack). When Gwen was with No Doubt, she had three guys who could gently nudge her in the right direction, but now that she’s a huge solo act, it’s all about Gwen, all the time. “What You Waiting For?,” a quirky retread of Alice in Wonderland that has an unfortunate distinction of including the lyrics “you’re a super hot female,” is just the tip of the iceberg. By the time that her Harajuku girls (or fashion slaves, as it seemed) were unveiled to the world, it was too late to forget them. Luckily, this outlandish gimmick seemed to have been abandoned by the time “Luxurious” rolled around (though the puzzling wardrobe choices – especially the Chiquita Banana Lady get-up – still remained). “Wind It Up" is something like experimental German cinema, but even less coherent, and actually manages to make nuns scary. “Cool” veers off-topic with a surprisingly normal video, but one that at times still looks and feels like watching an extended ad for an expensive (and probably pretentious) Italian perfume. With these horrifying videos circulating, “4 in the Morning” brings Gwen back to sanity, if only for a little while.
Lil’ Mama
I’m sure Lil’ Mama is a very sweet girl with an unfortunate name, but the videos she’s been saddled with have been less than entertaining. First there was “Lipgloss,” which goes to show you that a budget of $50 and some enthusiastic extras will always produce something, although the word I’m looking for is neither “decent” nor “enjoyable.” There’s no doubt that Lil’ Mama is gifted in both the rap and dance departments, but we could have all done without the semblance of a flimsy plot that revolves around Lil’ Mama finding confidence and popularity through her lipgloss. On “G Slide/Bus Tour,” she steps it up a notch by transforming a mundane school bus into an even uglier bus, if that’s possible, and then showing the neighbourhood kids how to Bedazzle other things, like mailboxes and ice cream trucks, with her trademark G Slide. The trilogy comes to an end with her guest turn on Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend” remix, where she drives a hideous pink car (someone check for her license…isn’t Lil’ Mama like twelve?), puts up with unsightly graffiti, and has to hang out with Avril Lavigne, sometimes on scooters. The fact that she makes any of this look like it’s actually fun is a testament to Lil’ Mama’s true talents.
