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DVD Review:
On the Line vs. Crossroads vs. A Walk to Remember...
[Warning: Spoilers ahead! Not that you couldn't have guessed anyway.]
ON THE LINE
Director: Eric Bross
Starring: Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Dave Foley
Distributor: Miramax
Budget: $10 million
U.S. Gross: $4.4 million
CROSSROADS
Director: Tamra Davis
Starring: Britney Spears, Zoe Saldana, Taryn Manning, Anson Mount
Distributor: Paramount
Budget: $12 million
U.S. Gross: $37.2 million
A WALK TO REMEMBER
Director: Adam Shankman
Starring: Mandy Moore, Shane West, Peter Coyote, Daryl Hannah
Distributor: Warner Bros.
U.S. Gross: $41.2 million
There is an unwritten code in Hollywood that decrees all those who sing must later act. This law sometimes reverses itself and decrees that all who act must later sing. A good example of the former is Whitney Houston, who acted her chops off by playing a best-selling pop diva in The Bodyguard. A good example of the latter would be Jennifer Lopez (yes, I know she started off as a Fly Girl on "In Living Color"), who cemented her singing career by playing the late Latina pop singer Selena. Although Whitney Houston is probably somewhere in her mansion smoking crack right now, it can be fairly said that both were success stories.
But what happens when the next generation of pop singers ventures onto the big screen? If history is any indication (Madonna circa 1980-2000 is a good example of this, as is Mariah Carey), it can only mean disaster.
It began in October of 2001. Americans, and many of its allies, were still mourning the tragedies of September 11. The world seemed to have turned upside down in a manner of minutes. So, as a much-needed diversion, millions flocked to the theatres to watch On the Line, starring Lance Bass and Joey Fatone of *NSYNC fame. Except by millions, I really meant two people, who may have been related to Lance or Joey. On the Line went on to flop, and in fact lost money in the end. The movie-going public wasn't interested in watching the lesser-known members of a boy pop band ham it up on the big screen and pretend to fall in love. It is still up to debate whether even Justin Timberlake could have saved this movie. But alas, it had to try to make some of its money back, so into video stores it went.
A few months later, a good friend of *NSYNC's also appeared on the big screen. Britney Spears made her acting debut in Crossroads, playing a virginal teen who goes on a road trip to find herself (and her birth mother, but we're getting to that). Crossroads pulled in a decent gross, certainly better than On the Line, but it was no breakout hit. It was clear that the public preferred to watch Britney gyrating in her music videos rather than try to act. Crossroads also ended up in the video store.
The previous month, another teen star had her first taste of headlining a marquee. It was Mandy Moore, who had previously made her debut in Disney's The Princess Diaries. Mandy tried for a little for variety this time, going so far as to dye her blonde hair brown and donning a frumpy sweater. A Walk to Remember fared the best of the three at the box office, and awarded Mandy with a Breakout Performance Award at the MTV Movie Awards. Britney, Lance and Joey had nothing to worry about though - Mandy was a virtual unknown in the music world, ranking as low as Aaron Carter in that department. But perhaps that was an advantage for Mandy's career, lending credibility and less skepticism to her acting. When A Walk to Remember finished its run, it found itself on video store shelves.
Now all three are available to rent on DVD, but only one is (possibly) worthy enough for the ridiculous $5.00 charge at Blockbuster.
On the Line is a story about Kevin (Bass), a shy advertising guy who, we find out early on in the movie, chokes when it comes to getting the girl (as if a girl couldn't make the first move). He meets a girl on the El Train (Chriqui), and of course they hit it off right away. They're practically soul mates! But Kevin fails to get her name or number, and hates himself for it. After a few inspirational words from Jerry Stiller, he decides to start a campaign to find her. His Neanderthal friends, Fatone being among them, use this as an excuse to meet women. Hilarity ensues, but I was in too much of a coma to remember much. Does Kevin eventually find the girl of his dreams? Even my six-month-old cousin can figure that one out.
For the most part, Bass' acting debut left something to be desired, not to mention a bad taste in my mouth. The movie glorified what we could already gather - that Bass is quiet, bashful, and dull. Fatone, on the other hand, was a loud, obnoxious buffoon who got to sing a song or two in the film (maybe to make up for his lack of contribution to *NSYNC?) In their defense, the script, corny and predictable, gave them little to work with. The highlight of the movie came from Dave Foley (!), earning some rent money here as Kevin's uptight boss. There were simply too many plot holes to keep track of, but the most glaring omission was Chriqui's boyfriend, who was obviously there to add tension, and abruptly disappear without explanation when it was convenient. Don't rent this movie. Don't even try to take it if it was offered for free and the box was made of gold and that gold was the most priceless gold in the world.
Crossroads follows three girls, childhood best friends, who reconnect on a road trip in their last summer before college. Lucy (Spears) is the nerdy virgin who yearns to break out and see the world. Kit (Zoe Saldana) is the stuck up popular girl who used to be fat. And Mimi (Taryn Manning) is the social outcast deemed a rebel because she…well, because they said so. On the road trip to L.A., Lucy falls in love with Ben, a "hunky" man with a "dark" past. Maybe she doesn't fall in love with him, but she does lose it to him, so in movie terms that means they should be getting married soon. Lucy also tags along in the hopes of finding her mother (Kim Cattrall), who she annoyingly refers to as "Mama" (you're not ten years old, and for crying out loud, that woman deserted you when you were a baby). Mimi wants to enter a singing contest. Kit wants to see her fiancé. I'm not really sure why Ben is there, if only to serve as a sensitive man who takes Lucy's virginity and makes her a woman. Oh yeah, he's the one that owns the car.
During the movie, it occurred to me that Dave Foley wasn't going to pop up and make my day. The movie served as a glorified version of a Britney Spears music video. During a conversation with my cousin about the movie (he claims his girlfriend made him watch it), he pointed out that Lucy was all virginal throughout the movie, but quickly (and easily) switched to slutty mode when she was onstage. While I am neither all virginal nor all slutty, I could never gyrate on stage like that. She was doing a pole dance, for crying out loud! Either Lucy was lying about her extracurricular activities, or we're supposed to suspend all our belief and believe this. Britney goes on to write a "poem" about being "not a girl, not yet a woman," and her boyfriend Ben, who is sensitive and so must play the guitar, writes the accompaniment. The movie does touch on the serious issue of rape and teen pregnancy, but since it's not Britney's storyline, that lasts about fifteen minutes. Britney's acting is a notch above Lance Bass' and Joey Fatone's, but that doesn't say much. The only consolation about staying awake for the end of the movie was that I got to watch Britney sing "Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" while Dan Akroyd (Lucy's father) looked on proudly. Except by consolation I mean constipation and lost brain cells.
A Walk to Remember fares the best among the three, and it is because of three things: Mandy Moore can actually act, Shane West is great eye candy, and there is only one song in the movie. Adapted from Nicholas Sparks' novel (he also penned Message in a Bottle - apparently he has a reputation for maudlin stories), A Walk to Remember is about Landon Carter (West), a spoiled rich kid who befriends, and eventually falls in love with, the pastor's goody-two-shoes daughter, Jamie (Moore). There's the usual awkward courting phase, there's the usual bypass of the popular kid's equally snobby friends phase, but then there's a twist, in which Jamie dies. I was very skeptical about the movie, but millions of women can't be wrong! Okay, so the story is a little predictable, and the end a little sappy, but when I saw a little twelve-year old girl weeping beside me, I knew the movie hit the intended spots. Moore does sing, and incidentally this is the also the part of the movie where the "plain" girl turns into a sexy mama, but thankfully that's it. Not like Crossroads, where Britney would sing with her exaggerated vibrato whenever she could. I also read the book by Sparks, and I have to say, this is one of the rare occasions where I think the movie might have been better than the book.
The difference between these movies is that while Crossroads and On the Line served as vehicles for their stars (and failed), A Walk to Remember was just a movie trying to entertain (and succeeded). It's just a coincidence that a teen singer landed the lead role in A Walk to Remember. To Britney, Lance and Joey: Keep your day jobs. To everyone else: Rent A Walk to Remember. ¤ C.Ho.
ON THE LINE:
out of 5 (for the Dave Foley factor)
CROSSROADS:
out of 5
A WALK TO REMEMBER: