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Moo for The Camera:

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The Canadian Idol auditions...

Utter Chaos: Crowd shot #1.

Blah, blah, blah. That was the gist of the first draft I wrote on the "Canadian Idol" auditions held this past May. I went into agonizing detail as to what happened and I thought it was great. Then I decided to leave it for a while and finish it off later. That was almost a month ago. I just reread the thing. I stopped when I realized that I began snoring with my eyes open. Here's a "samplette": I would like to say that I was one of the lucky ones who camped out for one of those nights for the sake of this story. That I helped pitch tents and led everyone in the singing of Destiny's Child's "Survivor" (a cappella version). But, much like my chances at winning the Super 7 jackpot, that wasn't going to happen.

Way to make some cutting edge journalism, Sheena! This copy will see the light of the Happygrrls website! My hair started to fall out in clumps.

Therefore, to keep me from having a conniption, I'll give you the Coles Notes version of my take on the "Canadian Idol" fiasco…uh, auditions.

Plot Overview…
"Canadian Idol" auditions are being held in Toronto. Ella Mariah thinks that she should take the opportunity and audition her vocal chops against the best in Toronto. Her friends knew better, though. If she wasn't going to try out, then dammit! They were going to drag her ass down there and make her try out whether she wanted to or not. The other characters are there for support, and (of course) commentary. Ella and a bunch of friends camped out in Toronto the night before the audition. With little sleep and being herded around like cattle, they begin the road to Canadian Idol stardom.

Characters…
Ella Mariah: Canadian Idol candidate and singer extraordinaire!
Trish: Stylist for the soon to be rich and famous; also a staunch supporter of Ella Mariah
Violet: Outgoing, charming friend and supporter of Ella Mariah
Stacey: Mutual friend to all characters
Sheena: Narrator and supporter of Ella Mariah

Themes
Only one theme: WAITING!!! Dammit! Will the lines ever end?

More Chaos: Crowd shot #2. Night.

Act I - Mad Cow Metamorphosis
Early morning. Enter scene (in car) at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre. Find parking among the masses of people milling about aimlessly. Patience is wearing thin. Repeat mantra: "PEOPLE ARE NOT POINTS...OHM…"

Sheena: (Sitting in parking lot, begins rifling through her purse) OH CRAP!

Analysis
I came down to support a friend who camped out the night before. But I couldn't find her in the horde of people there. I realized that I forgot my cell phone at home.

Walk towards Metro Convention Centre. Re-scan crowd and try to find friend with no luck at first. Too many people. Find a payphone. Locate friend. Walk back down the street towards the vacant lot that has now been closed off. Security has shut out potential candidates. Angry mob is forming. Must choose to stand and wait for re-entry or pack tired ass up and go home.

Analysis
I wanted to support my friend so I waited. I wanted to get the story so I waited. But most importantly, I wanted to see a "Canadian Idol" style riot. Potential divas and pop princes punching security and each other while singing Eminem's "Fight Song" or Kelis' "I Hate You So Much Right Now." I would have laughed. But regrettably, everyone stays calm and (somewhat) collected. Is nothing going to go right today?

Later on that morning, the mob is allowed into the cage. Finally find friends. Sneak a place in line. Crowd in line is feeling restless. It is giving off a lynch mob vibe that is not very welcoming.

Trish: Sheena! You made it!
Violet: I can't believe you found us!
Ella Mariah: Hey! I knew you would find us.

Mob is eerily quiet yet incredibly disorganized and chaotic.

Translation
Although my friends are glad I found them, they are not happy. This is because of the following:

• No one slept. Sleeping on cold pavement in downtown Toronto wouldn't exactly lull me to sleep either. This is yet another reason why these people need props or applause or something. This fact never fails to amaze me…not only were you awake but you were coherent as well? You are all my Canadian Idols.
• It rained on Thursday. You mean camping out for three nights, having to endure the rain and getting almost no sleep apparently ISN'T very good if you have to sing? Who knew? Again, this is another reason why you're pop stars in my heart.
• Three words. Say it with me: Kay. Aw. Tic! A lot of the candidates and supporters felt that the event was completely disorganized. I understand that 9,000(ish) people is a very big number to handle, but this is Toronto AND the last chance anyone has to get into Canadian Idol. Wouldn't it be a safe bet to beef up security and come up with a better game plan than herding candidates around like cattle? [I'm surprised they didn't have cattle prods there too - Chris]. I began to appreciate a new meaning to the words "mad cow" and was not impressed.

And some more chaos: Crowd shot #3. Have these people showered?

Act II - Novel Concept
Violet: I need to sit down I'm going to go crazy
Sheena: I'm coming too.

(Aside) I'm done with trying to read, twiddling my thumbs and mentally picking my nose. And as fun as it is to mentally squish heads (Kids in the Hall style) of people who were singing and changing outfits in line, I have had enough. I have to get out of this line before I start to hit people in the head with my spirituality book.

Violet: Let's go find a spot on the hill.
Sheena: Okay.

Translation
Friends are beginning to show signs of crankiness and exhaustion (and who wouldn't?). I also need a cigarette. We find a spot on the hill and rest our feet. We see that the cage (appropriately named) is divided into two sections. The people closest to the Convention Centre were told that they would have someone see them sometime that day and everyone else would have to come back the following day (for those of you who were in the back half of the cage, I scream AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! in sympathy).

There is a tent being set up that's divided into four sections (for judging purposes) and barriers were being put up to separate the line-ups.

Security Guard 1: (with no megaphone) OK GUYS! THERE ARE GOING TO BE SOME JUDGES TO SEE YOU. WE'RE SETTING UP LINES RIGHT NOW. DO NOT RUN OR YOU WILL BE THROWN OUT OF HERE! (Realizes that his voice doesn't carry that far and will have to go through the line and repeat everything. God bless the megaphone.)
Violet: All right, we're finally getting somewhere.
Sheena: It's about time…it's taking a little while though.
Violet: That's okay. It's better like this…more organized this way.
Sheena: Ohhh! (Aside) Organization? Who knew it would work for a major event.

Translation
We rejoin our friends in line. I realize that they had barely moved since we left them and that's when the dementia sets in. I begin doing the "chicken dance" in tiny circles screaming words of love and devotion to Ben Mulroney (Canadian Idol's answer to Ryan Seacrest). Just kidding! I didn't do that! I did the running man…right out of the cage and into my car. I had to get out of there; I was going to be committed. Support is one thing, but going to the loony bin is another.

That evening, Sheena decides to find some answer to the age-old question: "Did I make the cut?" She calls Ella Mariah…

Sheena: So…how's it going?
Ella Mariah: [!!!]

And...more chaos: Crowd shot #4. There's no turning back now. Since no one can move.

Analysis
It looks like Ella Mariah didn't need my support. The fantastic judge who pre-auditioned my friend recognized her amazing diva-ness, and told her come back the next day. HURRAY! Let's buy that guy a drink! He's a genius.

But on a less "!!!" note, I found out that there WAS a "Canadian Idol"-style riot that day. And of course, it happened right after I left (just my luck). Apparently, there was a little scuffle when security was forming the new lines for the judging booths. Some girl decided to cut into one of the lines, and that threw everyone out of whack (especially when she had a tidal wave people following her example). Ruckus ensued. People were shoved, stepped on, and screamed at. And I missed the whole thing! Typical.

Act 3: Epilogue
Later on that week. Sheena wants to find out what happened on the next audition. She makes a few phone calls.

Sheena: (on the phone) Hey! How'd it go?
Stacey: Um….

Translation
In their infinite wisdom, the directors do not see the graceful yet explosive pop star potential in my friend. And as much as I wanted to start screaming, "She was robbed! This is an outrage! I demand a recount! Are you blind?" I know I can't do that. Besides, if I do my dog will hide from me. And nobody wants that. So they let her slip through their fingers. But it's okay. Maybe they're just not ready for this diva, at least not this year. Maybe it'll happen next year. But then again, it only takes a moment to seize another opportunity and my girl has a countless number of them within the 365 days until next year. And anyway, to her friends, she's already a superstar.

Fade to black. Exit stage left. ¤ Sheena