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The Fall of a Nation:
How "Elimidate" makes us fear for our future…
There aren't many things on television that make me want to scream. I can only recall a few instances where I thought I might hurl something at the screen and hope my insurance covered anger-related bouts of madness: the season finale of "The Apprentice 3," where semi-finalist Tana Goertz self-destructed in a fantastic denouement; when Oprah invited Tracey Gold on her show to talk about her drunk driving charges and managed to simultaneously humble Gold and condescendingly backhand her like a petty popular high school girl; and any episode of "Elimidate."
They say children are our future, but when said children grow up and run off to participate in shows like "Elimidate" and the like, is there any hope for us?
After watching the aforementioned show for a week straight on late-night cable syndication, I think I have figured out the foolproof criteria to be chosen for the show:
If you're not familiar with this dating show, it's a quite simple concept. There is usually a man (there are women-centric episodes, although I suspect those don't amuse producers as much as man-centric ones) who is paired up with four candidates of the opposite sex. They proceed to go on a very long date, which is divided into "rounds." Rounds are usually marked by commercial breaks. Anyway, at the end of each round, a contestant is cut until only one remains. The last one standing, we'd assume, is the candidate of choice. But most of the time, she's just the least unpleasant or the one who put out first.
- Breast implants.
- Criminal record.
- No unabashed feelings towards making out with a boy you just met.
- No unabashed feelings about making out with a fellow female contestant you just met.
- Thinking that it is harmless to apply make-up in the dark.
- No substantial self-esteem, shrouded by a raging ego.
- A Brooklyn accent.
- A television-friendly level of attractiveness, in a bland or average way. Otherwise, you get to graduate to better budgeted shows like "The Bachelor."
"Elimidate" is certainly not the most offensive show to air, but it is particularly disturbing to watch. Like any dating show, there is a sense of competition that often clouds judgment. Unlike other dating shows, like "The Bachelor" or "Joe Millionaire," "Elimidate" seizes on the immediacy of the group date, and breeds a manipulative survivalist mentality. Women become petty, whiny, insecure babies. Men transform into loud, obnoxious and oversexed maniacs. And all this happens within hours, and about twenty edited minutes for the audience at home.
The most maddening thing about "Elimidate" is the psychological component involved. Contestants will do anything to be the last one standing, including ridiculing others and throwing themselves at the "prized" booty - although I suspect that in half of the instances, no one on the group date is actually attracted in any way, shape or form to one another; regardless, they still want to be the one to "win." Unlike normal dating, where you might want to put your best face forward, "Elimidate" only requires that you are the loudest, brashest, and most obnoxious person in the room. That way, it shows that you are "trying" and that you are "playing" whatever game the other people have deluded themselves into thinking is going on. (This mentality is quite obtuse, in my opinion. It's more akin to being treated as an object to be manipulated and subsequently "won," as if you were a prize at a county fair.) If you're reserved or possess even an ounce of decorum, then you'll get the boot on the first round, guaranteed.
Why does "Elimidate" flip the conventions of dating so effortlessly? First, it's on television and it's unscripted, which means that if you don't say or do something outrageous every five seconds, they don't want you. Second, the format of a group date creates tension from the start; you know that you are vying to be the "best" out of a potential handful of others. Even if you don't start off with that mentality, there are three others that will remind you of it. Third, the producers keep plying you with alcohol and then make you talk trash about the other candidates, even when it sounds so scripted and stupid and kind of heartbreakingly unconvincing that it's almost scary to watch. And lastly, the show's producers make sure to pick really delusional and slutty people, which, coincidentally, are supposed to be representatives of our generation.
Like "Survivor," watching hours of "Elimidate" suggests a formulaic pattern to being the last one standing:
Don't say anything that can be completely turned around in the most illogical way possible. In one episode, among a group date with four women and one man, two of the women seize upon one woman and proceed to berate her for no apparent reason, outside of the fact that she likes to travel and spend time in Europe. Let's see if we can follow their reasoning: because she likes to travel, this would mean that she would not be in the country long enough to spend time with Booty Prize. As I recall, traveling was different from living abroad, but I digress. To make matters worse, Booty Prize agrees with the two Dimwits and sends Travel Mate packing. Her departing shot: they're all uncultured slobs who are unwilling to experience other traditions, which is probably quite true. His departing shot: he's a patriot and loves his country. You know, I'm actually surprised he didn't call her a terrorist as well.
On another episode, among a group date with one woman and four men, one of the contestants mentions that he constantly moves from place to place. A witty adversary blurts, "You must move around a lot because no one likes you!" I'm surprised he didn't also mention that the man must have been adopted. Sadly, this zinger was lost on their date, as she did not speak English very well.
Pair up with a nasty, not too bright contestant who is guaranteed not to turn on you until the very last round. On a four-women, one-man date, two women immediately seize upon an unsuspecting contestant. Before she can fully embarrass herself as is inevitable, the two women start berating her about her hair, clothes, and job. The Rage takes it all in stride at first ("first" being the first minute and a half), and then loses it, complete with the requisite plastic water cup throwing and hair grab across the table. Suffice it to say, she doesn't make it to the next round, although I don't blame her one bit for smacking Berater upside her head. I've seen some girl-on-girl fights at my high school before, but none had the inspired throwing-water-in-the-face that this one did, so it earns extra points. For some reason, the Berater could not comprehend why it happened to her ("oh, she must be crazy or something"), or how someone could lose her cool while provoked. Trust me when I say that playing the victim when everything's been caught on camera makes you out to look schizophrenic.
Later in the date, the third contestant, who previously made no peep during Watergate 2004, becomes the next victim to go down in fantastic "Elimidate" fashion. She is of Filipina background and was sent to the States for school. Apparently, her parents are back home and very well off and wanted her to get an American education, and to pick up some "leadership skills" in lieu of her budding political career (no Imelda Marcos jokes, please). And now that you know her life story, here comes the tragedy. Studying Abroad's residence in the States becomes the topic of conversation as the date predictably moves to a bar, and is spurred by the guy himself. "Do you think her parents would be accepting of me?" he asks the other women. Instead of telling him to screw off or, in keeping with theme, throwing her drink in his face as I would have done, Studying Abroad just kind of stands around and waits for the answer. Berater, now having dried the water off her face, replies, "Probably not." My parents do have standards, Studying Abroad thinks. The discussion reaches catastrophic proportions when Berater and Acquaintance start claiming that Studying Abroad came to the States to have a better life. Well - yes. But they say it like it's a bad thing, and won't let it go until Studying Abroad admits that this is the case, like she's admitting that she once killed a man or kicked a dog. Now, Studying Abroad is reprehensible in her own way, but this is just stupid. Do they know what it's like to live in an underdeveloped country? Do they know what it's like to learn a completely new language and integrate yourself in a country entirely different from your own? Of course they don't. They might as well go crash that Patriotic Date I mentioned above.
Beware of gimmicks. Be on the look-out for weird behaviour: if you wander into a park, and the girl is already seated on the picnic blanket, wearing the biggest cowl-necked top you've ever seen in your life, and kind of slouching, that means she is pregnant but plans to hide it from you for a couple of hours. If you agree to appear on "Elimidate" with your sister, one of you won't make it to the last round because he is going to only choose one from each gene pool. And if the quietest girl in your quartet makes it to the next round, that means she's a spy sent in to dish the dirt to her guy friend.
Don't be mindful of hygiene issues. In a date of four women and one man, the first woman to literally grab the guy and take off for some tongue action will be the chosen one. He will claim in a confessional that she "took charge" and he finds this "hot." The other girls will bitch about her and call her all sorts of names behind her back, but one will eventually cave in to the manly charms and make out with him immediately after her. She will also get to stick around, but will not be ultimately chosen because she took too long to shove her tongue down his throat. The woman who demurs and doesn't kiss on the first date, or would rather he Brush-Up first, will be sent packing.
If you're into Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, and Violent Femmes, and he's into Marc Anthony and The Gap, you're probably going to get cut. The Patriotic Date proves this theory in an unusually cruel way. While it is painfully obvious that these two prototypes would never have anything in common, the girl nonetheless makes it all the way to the second round. This is because, as I mentioned in "beware of gimmicks," one of the girls is a spy, which is stupid and counterproductive because he has lost this fourth slot for a potential date, and there isn't much spying required for such a transparent show. It's not like we're watching "The Bachelor," even. As I mentioned in "don't say anything that can be completely turned around in the most illogical way possible," Travel Mate liked to travel too much to be a real American, so The Male Gap's choices were slashed in half from the get-go. So, to review his choices, he has Goth, who is probably the first and last semi-smart person to appear on this date (the irony that her supposed intelligence led her to "Elimidate" is not entirely lost on me), and The Male Gap's female equivalent (who was earlier unfairly chided for wanting to get married, mostly because she had obviously chosen the wrong venue to do so). Later, on this Patriotic Date, the two women have it out. The Gap pouts, "She's being passive-assertive!" Goth laughs and laughs and laughs and calls her dumber than "cow dung." Which she is, but there's no need to be so mean. Goth confesses that she wasn't initially attracted to The Male Gap, but suggests that she doesn't mind him now, if you know what I mean. So Goth becomes Easy Lay, but despite this, The Male Gap still chooses The Gap because, frankly, he's probably afraid that when he blurts out "passive-assertive," Goth will laugh and laugh and laugh at him.
"Elimidate" is precisely one of those addictively wrong shows because it's unabashed in its execution. People going in are usually from the same fame whoring, bloodthirsty mould, and it's clear. It's an example of some of the things that are wrong with North American culture, and yet it's also a catalyst for such behaviour. And to think that some of these contestants might potentially go on to have some influence on our social and political climate (or "American Idol") is very frightening, considering they've officially left their judgment in the closet, along with their self-esteem. It seems that no matter how many strides we make towards evolving into a mature culture, something always drags us back. In this case, "Elimidate" is the dead weight we can't seem to let go. ¤ C.Ho.