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Summer Movie Preview:
Must avoids...
From Justin to Kelly
AHEM...
Release: June 13
Director: Robert Iscove (She's All That, Boys and Girls)
Cast: Kelly Clarkson, Justin Guarini
Premise: Justin (Guarini) and Kelly (Clarkson) are college students who go on spring break in Miami and end up falling in love. Possibility of some karaoke championship as well.
Outtakes: Robert Iscove has only directed two movies thus far, but has done tons of TV movies, including Cinderella (1997) starring Whitney Houston and Brandy Norwood. The studios decided not to release a theatrical trailer for the movie, and the video is expected to come out in September 2003. I guess there really is no hope for this movie.
Why You Shouldn't See It: Sure, it may have the campiness of Grease, but that's about all it's going to have. And are we really supposed to believe that just because these kids can sing, they can act too?
Official Site: www.fromjustintokelly.com
Post-release verdict: What did Iscove do to deserve this? This might make a great drinking game, but then again, do you really want to get that drunk? And there's a "special edition" too? See DVD details here.Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Release: July 9
Director: Gore Verbinski (The Ring, The Mexican)
Cast: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Geoffrey Rush, Vincent Pyrce, Keira Knightley
Premise: Set in the 17th century, Jack Sparrow (Depp) is a rogue pirate with long, flowing hair. He teams up with the daughter of the Governor (Knightley) to get rid of a ship of pesky pirates (led by Rush) who, as a result of some ancient curse, are stuck between life and death.
Outtakes: This movie is based on the Disney theme park attraction, "Pirates of the Caribbean." A sequel may be in the works.
Why You Shouldn't See It: This movie is based on a Disney theme park attraction. And the trailer had me running to the shower, scrubbing off the remnants of A Knight's Tale.
Official Site: www.disney.go.com/.../pirates/
Post-release verdict: I finally gave in and saw this film on DVD a year after it was released. And I have to admit, I was wrong, and also a little drunk, not that the latter is relevant. Johnny Depp is smarmily great as Jack Sparrow and, for once, I can buy Orlando Bloom as an action star. See DVD details here.Gigli
Release: August 1
Director: Martin Brest (Beverly Hills Cop, Scent of a Woman, Meet Joe Black)
Cast: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Justin Bartha, Al Pacino, Christopher Walken
Premise: Gigli (Affleck) is a hit man working in Los Angeles. He kidnaps the mentally challenged brother (Bertha) of a powerful district attorney and teams up with a woman (Lopez) he presumes is in the business as well. Or is she? Maybe she's just a girl from the block, yo.
Outtakes: At one point, Halle Berry was in talks to play the lead. Can you imagine that? It might've been Ben Affleck and Halle Berry! And maybe then, Ben Affleck might've been able to keep his ego and we wouldn't be bombarded with pointless music videos about their love.
Why You Shouldn't See It: Because J. Lo. sucks. And, if history is any indication, couples who meet on the set and fall in love usually have horrible on-screen chemistry (yes, I'm looking at you, Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe).
Official Site: www.sonypictures.com/movies/gigli
Post-release verdict: Oh, man. I am still reeling from that "gobble, gobble" line, and I haven't even seen this trainwreck. The Razzies are still voting for this movie, although it's been over two years since its release: it won worst comedy of our first 25 years at their 2004 awards, and won six out of its nine categories back in 2003. See DVD details here.Freaky Friday
Release: August 6
Director: Mark S. Waters (The House of Yes, Head Over Heels)
Cast: Jamie Lee Curtis, Lindsay Lohan, Mark Harmon, Chad Murray, Christina Vidal
Premise: Annabel (Lohan) and her widowed mother Ellen (Curtis) exchange bodies with the help of some freaky fortune cookie. As if this wasn't bad enough, Ellen is supposed to get married in a couple of weeks, and Annabel has to take over her medical practice, although she doesn't know anything about medicine. Oh, the madness!
Outtakes: Kelly Osbourne was cast to play Annabel's best friend, but pulled out of the project. Annette Bening was cast to play Ellen, but pulled out as well. And Tom Selleck was set to play the fiancée, but…well, you know. This movie is based on the 1977 movie starring Jodie Foster and Barbara Harris, which is based on a novel by Mary Rodgers. It was remade as a TV movie in 1995, starring Gaby Hoffman and Shelley Long.
Why You Shouldn't See It: Can we say beating a dead horse? Everyone knows the story, everyone knows the moral, so let's save our money for Toonie Tuesdays at KFC.
Official Site: www.disney.go.com/.../freakyfriday
Post-release verdict: Contrary to beating a dead horse, Freaky Friday rode the horse all the way to the finish line. This film did fairly well in theatres, and catapulted Lindsay Lohan's career. Unfortunately, no one could forsee that she'd go on to lose 50 lbs. and star in bad music videos, but it's a good thing they snatched her up for this role while she still looked like a person. See DVD details here.Open Range
Release: August 15
Director: Kevin Costner (Dances With Wolves, The Postman)
Cast: Kevin Costner, Annette Bening, Abraham Benrubi, Robert Duvall, Michael Gambon, Diego Luna
Premise: In the final years of the Wild West, four "freegrazers" (that's cattle herders who roam the countryside and who do not own any of their own land, for those of you that were born after 1930) team up to rid a small town of Baxter (Gambon), an evil rancher who steals their cattle and stuff. The freegrazers are played by Costner, Benrubi, Duvall, and Luna.
Outtakes: Based on the novel, The Open Range Men, by Laura Paine. Shot in Calgary, Alberta, on a budget of $45 million.
Why You Shouldn't See It: Zzz.
Post-release verdict: Kevin Costner was much better and less boring in The Upside of Anger. Funny how his website hasn't been updated since this film. See DVD details here.My Boss's Daughter
Release: August 22
Director: David Zucker (The Naked Gun, BASEketball)
Cast: Ashton Kutcher, Tara Reid, Carmen Electra, Michael Madsen, Andy Richter, Molly Shannon
Premise: A mean boss asks his employee (Kutcher) to housesit while he's gone. He takes this as a great opportunity to win the heart of the boss's daughter (Reid), whom he's liked for some time. Unfortunately, he gets more than he bargained for when some unexpected guests drop by.
Outtakes: Dave Dorfman, the screenwriter, also wrote Anger Management. The late summer opening date is usually dumping grounds for studios that can't find another suitable slot for their movies.
Why You Shouldn't See It: Although Andy Richter and Molly Shannon are funny people, there's no saving this movie.
Post-release verdict: Kutcher may not be that bad in retrospect, but has Tara Reid ever done a movie that didn't end up sucking? I think it's safe to say that if she signs on, you better not be investing in the film. See DVD details here.Highwaymen
Release: August 27
Director: Robert Harmon (The Hitcher, Nowhere to Run, They)
Cast: Jim Caviezel, Rhona Mitra
Premise: When a maniac kills Caviezel's wife, he jumps into his car looking for revenge. The maniac is actually a serial killer who kills women using his green 1972 Cadillac Eldorado as a way to express his rage at the world and the woman who broke his heart. Dude, write some poetry.
Why You Shouldn't See It: The concept has been done before, with little success. I bet they don't even show the killer's face until the end, and the car is really, really big and does not have passenger side airbags.
Official Site: www.highwaymenmovie.com
Post-release verdict: I didn't hear much about this film. Did it get a release? Straight-to-video? A Blockbuster reduced sale shelf? I still don't know the answer, but I do know that there's a company called Highwaymen that sells high-powered kites. See DVD details here.In Hindsight: Pirates of the Caribbean turned out to be a huge success, and Freaky Friday launched Lindsay Lohan's career. Ah well. At least I was right about Gigli. ¤ C.Ho.
[ From 2 Fast 2 Furious to Jeepers Creepers II. Sequels of this summer. ]