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Book Review:
Why Men Don't Have A Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes, Barbara and Allan Pease
Why do men tell lies? Why do they feel they have to be right about everything? Why do they avoid commitment? On the other hand, why do women insist on talking a subject to death? Why do they cry to get their own way? Why don't they initiate sex more often? And is there really any alternative to nagging a man to get things done? These are a few of the many questions that leave women and men the world over baffled, frustrated, and confounded in their quest to understand how the other half thinks and why they behave in the often-infuriating and seemingly mysterious ways they do…
WHY MEN DON'T HAVE...
Format: Paperback
Pages: 305
Publisher: Broadway Books Publishing Date: January 2004
Drawing upon new findings on the brain, the latest studies of social changes, evolutionary biology, psychology, common sense, and their own experiences as a happily married couple, Barbara and Allan Pease tackle forty of the most frequently asked questions from readers and audiences around the world and show how to get on the right track with the opposite sex…
"When a woman realizes how men evolved, it's suddenly easier to make allowances for the different way they behave and process thoughts," explain the authors. "When a man understands that a woman is coming from a different direction, then he too can profit from her experiences and outlook on life." Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes is the ultimate guide to understanding how the "other half" acts and thinks the way it does. As such, it offers a real chance for women and men alike to eliminate much of the misery, anguish, and confusion in their lives, and instead find happiness in living with, working for, managing, and even loving the opposite sex.
Don't let the cartoonish pastel cover fool you, or even the atrocious title that has so many things wrong with it that it needs its own article (and is it any wonder that their other book is also inappropriately called Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps? I forgot to pick that one up, as I got lost coming off my driveway). Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes is your average self-help fodder that manages to one-up the competition by actually using facts to back up their claims. Unfortunately - and you knew it was coming - they only use these facts to perpetuate gender stereotypes that have long been the thorns on our sides.
Take a page out of the book and it don't look so good.
Have you ever had a friend who knew 1,001 useless facts and had the need, nay, compulsion, to use these facts as some sort of "expert" advice? And when you asked this friend where they heard this from, they casually replied, "Oh, from a friend of a friend. I think his name was Steve, or maybe Paul." Well, if you're looking for that friend in book form, you've come to the right place. Barbara and Allan may have a great, loving relationship, but it sure ain't because they took their own advice.
Unlike The Rules, which was perhaps the most appalling book to come out of twentieth century writing, Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes offers more than just a checklist for happiness. The book tries to offer an explanation and, like the friend who gives you 1,001 useless facts, some diamonds can be found in the rough. The question is, are you willing to read 305 pages to find out? (Just think about it translating to five hours on the phone with said friend.)
The book relies heavily on Evolutionary Psychology, a relatively new branch in the very old field, to explicate, and ultimately solve, gender differences. Now, Evolutionary Psychology is a new branch for many reasons, and one of them is that it is not wholly accepted in the field of psychology. One of my psychology professors once mentioned it and proceeded to roll her eyes up to the high heavens. But lucky for the authors, Evolutionary Psychology was one of my electives.
An Evolutionary Psychologist might trace the appeal of store sales for women to the gathering habits of our ancestors. That is, women's innate skill to gather (which would have to be passed on to us from our ancestors in some sort of survival, adaptive gene) would make them superior to men at finding and "gathering" the good stuff at sales. Similarly, the authors explain that women are so chatty, and men are not, because "women evolved in a group situation with other women and children all staying close to the cave. The ability to bond and build close relationships was paramount to each woman's survival (you know, my girlfriends and I are always saying this to each other as we sit around in someone's cave). Men evolved silently sitting on a hill, searching for a moving target." Fast-forward to the present, and their solution is to give a man some quiet time after work to wind down, and then when he is good and ready, the woman may proceed to talk.
Remember that old saying, "Never go to bed angry"? The authors further elaborate on this point, maintaining that it may be good to listen to the woman air out her feelings and frustrations (remember, women are chatty and men are silent), as "[it] is much easier than trying to fix problems that don't exist and it scores [the man] lots of points." But men, and this is important, if you can get out of it, do it: "If you can't respond immediately, gently ask a woman if she could leave the subject and pick it up another day when the heat has subsided from an argument…this approach is far more likely to work than saying nothing and hoping the woman will simply run out of things to say. She won't." And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes our portion of the things I found offensive in this book (not to mention that these theories don't work so well for gay and lesbian couples - are women supposed to talk all night and men stare at each other in order to solve their disputes?).
One of the main criticisms that I have with Evolutionary Psychology is that it relies too heavily on the hunter and gatherer theory as a means of justifying our gender differences. I do believe that there are other factors at play that cause these differences, namely cultural and social aspects that shape the way men and women are supposed to behave. And because this book relies heavily on these "caveman" theories to give advice, I do not find it sufficient proof that I should trust my relationship in the hands of these authors.
Another minor but important criticism that I have is that the book is riddled with quotes and cartoons. A sample quote would go something like this: "Real blondes are like a good shirt - the collar should always match the cuffs." And a sample cartoon from their repertoire might include this: A man and woman are sitting at a dinner table. The man is a skeleton encased with cobwebs. The woman is laughing and oblivious. The caption reads (and obviously the woman is saying this, as the man is a corpse), "I hope I haven't talked too much!" Sometimes I like to believe that they've included this to show us how pigeonholing works against everybody, but then again, it didn't work when I wanted to believe that Whitney Houston was just fighting a bout of severe flu. These sorts of things are better left to in the capable hands of that friend who insists on sending you the most offensive, outdated, and asinine e-mail forwards they can find.
Bottom line: If you think your relationship may be in trouble, or you just want to figure out the opposite sex, don't read this book. Because, chances are, there isn't a problem. Relating to the opposite sex can be difficult, frustrating, and at times seem impossible. But these things happen within our own sexes, and are in no way an indication that our social structures are falling apart or that an impending apocalypse is on its way. What the authors need to teach is a mutual respect that goes beyond the boundaries of sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of another's (i.e. men, if you don't want to listen, don't pretend; women, if you want to talk, do it). What they need to teach is how to overcome fears and inhibitions. Only when that happens can true love last.
If I were to re-title this book, it might go something like this: Why Self-Help Authors Don't Have a Clue and Always Need More Clichés. Not catchy, but very apt. C.Ho.
WHY MEN DON'T HAVE A CLUE AND WOMEN ALWAYS NEED MORE SHOES:
