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Your 2004 Horoscope:
A prediction of what might or might not happen to you...
Itching to find out what's in store for you in 2004? Read on to find out whether this is your year to shine, or if you need to find a hole under a rock.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
COMPATIBILITY 101
Asset: Your perseverance would put anyone to shame.
Detriment: Even the deaf listen better than you do.
Forecast: 2004 is looking good, baby. Expect good news in March, and even better news in April. Avoid redecorating in February, unless you want to end up on "While You Were Out." There will be a full moon somewhere this year - bathe twice for good luck. Take a chance and ask that man/woman of your dreams out. If they say no, avoid a restraining order at all costs. If you don't have call waiting, you should get it.Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Asset: You're a rock - dependable and loyal to those around you.
Detriment: You're a rock - stubborn, slow moving, and often have little to say.
Forecast: Taureans can be stubborn, and no one will be more stubborn than you on June 5th. Avoid human contact that day, or be prepared to duke it out. Exercise sound judgment when that certain someone asks you out. Sure, they look good on paper, but in the long run, you'll be wishing that you stayed at home to wash your hair. Your boss will ponder a promotion in March. For the duration of that month, rub your tummy three times while sticking your tongue out - it will bring good luck.Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Asset: Everyone loves hanging out with you.
Detriment: Remember that novel, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Yeah, that's you.
Forecast: They say a little goes a long way. This doesn't apply to you. In February, do everything in excess. Watch lots of television, slack off at work, treat yourself to a yummy sundae. A confrontation on the 30th will lead you to realize that Richard Simmons is a strange, strange man. The planets will be in harmony on September, so go out and get plastered (just don't drink and drive please). Remember, when deciding what to key on someone's car, your name is not the best option.Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Asset: Your protectiveness would automatically land you a spot on the C.I.A.
Detriment: Your mood swings would automatically get you kicked out of the C.I.A.
Forecast: Last year may not have been the best, but things are looking up. Mixed signals in April will lead to an awkward conversation. Bring mayonnaise as an icebreaker. Towards the middle of the year, you'll feel burnt-out and aggravated. Take some time to make a list of all the people that have pissed out off, and then crank call them. If you've been invited to a potluck, make a pasta salad.Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Asset: You ain't no cowardly lion, that's for sure.
Detriment: Not everyone likes the boasting or smugness.
Forecast: Well, aren't you the belle of the ball? By March, things will start going your way. Use this opportunity to get away with anything and everything you've ever wanted to do. Tell your boss off, hit on the cute coffee guy/girl at Starbucks, take that much-needed vacation. The stars are turbulent in August, so exercise discretion. Sometimes people pronounce "schedule" with a hard c. Learn to live with it.Virgo August 23 - September 22)
Asset: People are drawn to your wit and charm.
Detriment: But then they find out you're way too dogmatic and aren't so impressed anymore.
Forecast: Do a major overhaul of your closet and get rid of those polyester pants. And then call all your friends and tell them to do the same thing. A family reunion will leave you feeling rejuvenated. Go out and watch Kill Bill: Volume II. The saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," doesn't ring more true than on July 20th. But that's only one day, so you have 365 days to make up for lost time.Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Asset: You'd make a great lawyer - you have good negotiating skills, a sense of fairness, and you're an excellent mediator.
Detriment: Learn to take chances instead of being so fearful.
Forecast: 2004 is a leap year, so on February 29th set some time aside to do everything you couldn't otherwise fit into the year. Something bad might happen on February 16th, April 4th, or September 19th. Just in case, you should stay at home and barricade yourself in your room on these three days. An old friend will materialize in the spring. If you like them, say hello. If you don't, don't make eye contact and run away quickly.Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Asset: If they could bottle your magnetism and sell it, Johnny Depp would be its spokesperson.
Detriment: Your quick temper will probably lead to a premature heart attack.
Forecast: The clouds that have been looming over you in January will magically quadruple in February. To counterattack this force, get rid of everything negative in your life, starting with your Jennifer Lopez CDs. Don't be so quick to dismiss that reality show proposal - the Gone Wild series sells pretty well. If you're working, expect money to come in every two weeks.Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Asset: Your rose-coloured glasses make you see only the best in people.
Detriment: You'd be the last person to plan anything, most likely because you'd forget to invite other people.
Forecast: It's time to assert yourself, and what better way to start than by trying to return a shirt you've already worn three times. A spunky Gemini will bring excitement into your life. Try yoga. A surprise on September 3rd will give you a new perspective on life. This will be a good time to take care of your rose garden. Don't have one? Then it's time to use that green thumb. A misguided friend will accidentally cause conflict in April. Write to Dear Angry Black Grrl and ask her for advice.Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Asset: You could write your own advice column.
Detriment: It's always your way or the highway - which could lead people to start carpooling.
Forecast: Your wonderful communication skills will lead to advancement in the workplace. But personally, you'll start to realize that maybe it's you. But that's okay - things will fall into place by mid-February. A batch of special cookies will lead to disastrous results. Avoid washing clothes on March 12th, 22nd, or 31st. A friend will ask you for a huge favour in September. Do it, but then hold it over their heads forever.Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Asset: You're co-operative but not afraid to assert your independence.
Detriment: You like to show others just how tactless you are.
Forecast: A turn in luck will lead you to find money in an unexpected place. Your advice will bring good things to those who seek it, but then they will call you the "wise old man/woman of the mountain" behind your back. If they play Forrest Gump on television, watch it. It they play Wild, Wild West, skip it. For optimal results at work, it's imperative that you show up. An aunt, uncle, nephew, cousin, niece, grandparent, or co-worker will ask you a question in May or August. Answer it if you can.Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Asset: All those great romantic movies were based on you.
Detriment: The woe-is-me act gets old.
Forecast: This year will start off with a bang. Take advantage of this and map out your plan for world domination. For some inexplicable reason, a family member will come over to your house. By the end of April, you will do your taxes. Some planets will align in August, causing you to be extra cautious. Avoid scary squirrels in parks. Try the new Coffeemate flavoured creams. And whatever you do, drink at least eight glasses of water a day.Happygrrls wishes you a happy new year, and predicts that you already knew this horoscope was very inaccurate. ¤ C.Ho.