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Retro Rewind:
“Beverly Hills, 90210”…
It's the Castles in the Sand competition! But as we will soon learn, not one sand castle actually appears in this episode.
Andrea and the summer camp kids are working on a sand replica of the Batmobile. Cameron, a deaf child, wants to help, but Andrea signs to him that she needs to spend some time with the other kids too.
Kelly is hiding out at home instead of catching some rays at the beach. In her bedroom, Kelly’s mother tries to get her to go out and put some colour on her ghastly white skin, but Kelly won’t budge. “Is it Jake?” her mother asks, giving me a flashback of “Melrose Place” and the whole crossover thing they did that one time. “Why can’t you just understand that I want to stay home?” Kelly whines. When Kelly’s mother leaves, David gives his stepsister a pep talk. “If you keep moping around, people are going to get suspicious.” Instead of brushing David’s advice away like the bad thing that it is, Kelly is finally swayed.
When Donna knows something that you don't know, it's time to worry about your future.
Back at the beach, Donna, Brenda and Dylan are working on a map of France, which kind of sounds like the lamest sand sculpture concept that anyone could ever come up with. Brenda and Donna argue over the location of a city, and lo and behold, Donna is right. “Then Rick’s wrong, because that’s where he told me it was,” Brenda says, practically screaming Rick’s name in Dylan’s face. I have to say, in this episode, Brenda ain’t that bright. Dylan predictably asks who Rick is. “He was our tour guide in France,” Brenda lies as the synthesizer of betrayal starts up.
Cameron is still following Andrea around. Andrea tells him to stay with the group. Cameron walks away sadly.
Brandon tells Brooke that he has to leave to help his boss, Henry, prepare for the clambake. Brooke protests. “Let him earn his money for a change.” Brandon furrows his brow. Brooke continues, “Henry can’t be fired. He’s black.” Brandon is understandably upset and tells Brooke off. Brooke apologizes and tells Brandon she didn’t mean anything by it, except she totally did. Instead of telling Brooke where she and her racist mouth can go, Brandon accepts her apology.
Kelly, David, and their family show up to the beach. After cooing over Kelly and David’s baby sister for a while, Kelly begs off yet once again and goes to find some shade. Dylan stares longingly at her retreating back until Brenda pulls his away. Way to not be obvious, Dylan.
And now we’re treated to another Steve and David scene. Steve wants to be David’s music manager, but he sucks at it, much like David sucks at his music. David is peeved.
Brooke is helping Brandon shuck some corn when she spews off some more racist vitriol. She’s on a tangent when Brandon asks her why she’s so agitated. “Because every time I open my mouth, we get into a fight and I’m sick of it!” Brooke exclaims. She then proceeds to make some crazier accusations before Brandon’s light finally goes off in his square head, and he tells her off. “I’m a good person,” Brooke and her mushroom haircut insist. Somehow, her emotional outburst has caused Brandon to apologize to her, but she storms off anyway. Now I’m not surprised that Brandon dated Emily Valentine.
Dylan catches up to Kelly at the boardwalk, and they talk some more about their secret non-relationship. Nothing, as usual, is resolved.
Donna and Brenda are chilling under an umbrella while David ineptly fiddles with it. Dylan comes by and, with a flick of his wrist, saves the day, because he is Dylan and he is awesome. The two couples cuddle while Kelly looks on, sad that she has no one to hump in public.
Oh Brandon. You just have a thing for crazy women, don't you?
Brooke is working on her sand Viking boat when Brandon pops up with a piece of tape over his mouth. Brooke laughs at his attempt at a truce. Why, Brandon, why? Every time Brooke makes a racist remark, you can practically see Brandon’s little hamster wheel spinning, trying to find the “off” thing about her. They make out, and Brandon concedes that Brooke’s opinions are her own to have. But not when they suck!
Andrea rushes up to Brandon, again being a cockblock, and tells him that Cameron has gone missing. Randy Spelling, Tori’s real life brother, makes a cameo appearance as Andrea’s skinny, awkward assistant. As Andrea drags Brandon away to help her find Cameron, Brooke looks on with a smile. Wait, shouldn’t she be concerned that a child has gone missing? See, Brooke is totally evil.
Andrea goes to Cameron’s mother’s beach house, where she spies Cameron sitting inside, playing with his GameBoy. Andrea and Cameron have a heart-to-heart, and Cameron admits that he’s sad to leave Andrea at the end of summer. Andrea tells Cameron that they’re special friends and will always be friends. They hug.
The sand sculpture competition is underway, and we’re treated to shots of expertly crafted sculptures. For once, this show has a suitable amount of extras milling about. Brenda spies Kelly and runs up to her like a lost puppy. “Did you see Dylan much during summer?” Brenda asks. And seriously, if Brenda started off every conversation with something about Dylan as she’s done in this episode, I’d be avoiding her too. Kelly shifts uncomfortably and leaves her answers vague. Brenda thinks there’s something wrong. “He’s being too nice to me…it’s like he’s trying to make up for something.” “Brenda, Dylan adores you,” Kelly reasons, trying not to stare at Shannen Doherty’s wonky eye. After Kelly talks Brenda out of her suspicions, Brenda saunters off as Kelly stares at Brenda’s self-involved ass.
Steve wanders up to the band manager that Henry has lined up for tonight’s show and introduces himself as Steve Sanders, from the Steve Sanders Management Group. Steve’s mullet is distracting because it’s comprised of a series of tufts of hair. Steve buys off the band manager so that David can perform in the band’s place.
The winners of the sand sculpting competition are announced. Some guys who look like Extreme win the professional designation, while Andrea and her camp charges take the amateur category. Brenda and Donna look bummed, but seriously, their French sand sculpture sucked. Not surprisingly, Brooke is a sore loser, and goes on to make some disparaging remarks about Andrea, and Jewish people in general. Is no one safe from Brooke’s bigotry? This is the one that breaks the camel’s back, and Brandon finally starts thinking with his other head and tells Brooke off. Again. As Brandon gives her the stink-eye, they finally break up.
In the longest day in the world, next to the day that Brenda and Donna come home from Paris, Henry complains to Steve that his band is a no-show. Steve does the cockily tilted sunglasses move when Henry asks him if his guy can sing.
Oh...oh...oh, won't you be my loooooove?
The answer, apparently, is no. David is working two keyboards on stage and singing in a very breathy, very prepubescent voice about doing sexy things to someone. He sounds like he tried out for Color Me Badd and was rejected. Everyone has a fake conversation about how good he is. Steve brags that he got David the gig, and Donna tells him to shut up so she can hear her boyfriend breathe some more. I wish Steve would keep talking.
Brenda and Dylan sit on the beach, watching the waves. Brenda spews some girly stuff about moonlight and thinking of Dylan while in Paris, and then wonders if there was anyone in Dylan’s arms while she was gone. Dylan doesn’t answer. Brenda tells Dylan that she met someone in Paris, but it didn’t go anywhere. Dylan crinkles his brow, and there are many, many wrinkles. “So, are you done with your summer vacation?” Dylan asks. “Yes,” Brenda replies. “So what about you?” she counters. “Are you ready to start our senior year together?” Dylan takes about three hours to answer, and when he does, it’s to say, “Welcome home, Brenda.” What does that even mean? Instead of asking him, Brenda lets him make out with her neck.
Now David is not even trying anymore. He’s got his keyboards on autopilot or whatever it is that makes the keyboards play on their own, and he’s just dancing on stage. Despite the atrocity, Henry looks impressed. For some reason, everyone knows the exact moment when David’s song ends, and start clapping.
Steve finds Brandon cleaning up after the messy country club patrons, and tells him that Andrea said Brandon sent Brooke packing. Andrea is such a blabbermouth. They do some single guy bonding stuff and some lame-ass handshake before Brandon runs into Kelly. Brandon tells Kelly that his summer was a bust. “Well, you got a good tan,” Kelly says sadly, obviously jealous of all the natural vitamin D that Brandon’s been getting. “Thanks Kelly. I feel better already,” Brandon says, kissing Kelly on the forehead. Do I smell foreshadowing here?
Someone in the wardrobe department must really hate Ian Ziering. Or me.
The gang, minus Kelly, convenes at the boardwalk for their last summer hurrah. Brenda makes a toast. “It took me going halfway around the world to realize that I have the best bunch of friends a girl could ever have, and I love you all.” Everyone is flattered. “Especially you,” Brenda says, and she might as well have been poking Dylan with a cattle prod for the lame reaction she got from him. “I can’t believe summer’s almost over,” Donna laments. “Yeah, but we’ll always have Paris,” Brenda replies. Dylan looks on, concerned, because he totally said that to Kelly at the beginning of the episode.
Dylan and Kelly have a talk about their secret relationship. Again. For the fiftieth time this episode. Some more.
In the final scene, Kelly is alone at the beach. Maybe she never gets a tan because she’s always at the beach at night. Dylan walks up to her, no doubt to berate her some more for not pining hard enough. ”Dylan, I’m happy for you, and for Brenda. You guys belong together,” Kelly strains to say. “So let’s just leave it alone, okay?” Dylan wants to know where that leaves Kelly. “You can’t have it both ways,” Kelly replies, finally saying what she should have said forty-five minutes ago. “We’ll always have Paris,” Kelly says. “It’s not funny anymore,” Dylan answers intently. Was it ever funny? As they look at a decomposing mound of sand that was most likely Brenda and Donna's sad attempt at France, Kelly flares her nostrils at Dylan. “I guess nothing lasts forever.” And with those parting words, she leaves.
[ Brenda comes home and smokes while Steve wears really tight shorts. Part I of the episode. ]