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Happygrrls On the Town:
Diversions and drinking games…
Once in a while, you may find yourself in the following scenario: you’re out with a group of friends and have all the time in the world, but you’re helplessly staring at each other as the seconds tick by. Inevitably, someone will start with, “What do you want to do?” And someone will predictably reply, “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” This could go on for hours, so someone has to take initiative. What could you possibly do that hasn’t been done? Well, how about doing something that you’ve done before, but adding some fun twist to it? For example, I have become enamoured with silly drinking games when other recreational activities just don’t seem to cut it. And nothing works better and brings people together like watching bad movies (so bad they’re good, of course) and getting wonky all the while – which will undoubtedly make the movie less painful to watch.This works best with a film that one or more people have seen, so that the drinking rules are clearly established from the start. The regulations are quite simple: pick a film with tons of idiosyncrasies and recurring themes, and set a number of sips or shots for each predetermined phrase, scene, or action. Once they rules have been hashed out, pop in that DVD and get set for some laughter and good times all around.
(Happygrrls important disclaimer: Although we want you to have a good time, we also want you to be responsible. Set up a designated driver or cab rides for all your guests, and make sure that no one gets to the intoxicated point that he/she cannot stand or speak properly. If this happens, take away the shot glass and start handing out water. Also, please be over the legal drinking age before you embark on this activity.)
Showgirls (1995)
This is the mother of all drinking games. So great is it, in fact, that it the limited DVD version included a set of shot glasses and its own drinking games. This gem tells the harrowing story of a young stripper named Nomi Malone (Elizabeth Berkley) who dreams for bigger and better things to befall her. She gets her chance when a sleazy Vegas producer (Kyle MacLaughlan) and a slutty Vegas showgirl (Gina Gershon, because there is no other actress that could possibly pull this off) happen upon her club and watch her in action. So overcome with Nomi’s mad dancing skills is MacLaughlan that he must have her come to audition for the famous Vegas nudie show, “Goddess.” Hilarity, as well as soft core porn, betrayal, and implied bisexual interest, ensues.
For the lush – take one sip when
Showgirls: Girl on girl action? Drink!
For the intermediate – also add one shot when
- Elizabeth Berkley grunts and/or makes furious noises as she dances
- Gina Gershon says “darling” with a straight face
- Elizabeth Berkley runs away from a scene to either convey anger, confusion, or a bad case of diarrhea (you’ll thank me later for the one sip rule, as she does this quite often)
- someone does pelvic thrusts and calls it “dancing”
- Elizabeth Berkley moans about something either than sex and/or becomes unusually excited by food
- Elizabeth Berkley slaps someone
- Elizabeth Berkley says something dumb, which Jessie Spano would never do
- Kyle MacLaughlan leers at someone from behind his floppy 80’s hair
- one showgirl (besides Elizabeth Berkley) disses and/or picks a fight with another showgirl
- Elizabeth Berkley stuffs her face with junk food to show us that she’s different from the other girls
For the hardcore – also add two shots when
- there is lesbian innuendo, which basically implies every scene that Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley share
- someone has mad thrashing sex in a pool, or goes through the motions of simulated mad thrashing sex
- someone has a hissy fit during the audition when asked to put ice on her nipples, stalks off, has a moment of revelation while staring at herself in the mirror, and returns with defiantly iced nipples
- someone appears to have slathered paint or crayon on her nipple, for reasons totally unknown
- Elizabeth Berkley tells someone she has her period, even when they haven’t asked
- someone falls down, not because they are clumsy and don’t watch where they are going, but because there are treacherous plans afoot
Honey (2003)
- Elizabeth Berkley mispronounces designer label Versace as “Ver-sace,” because she is trashy and doesn’t know anything outside of strip bars and angry stalking
This film was recently on television, so it renewed my interest in its cheesiness and entirely unbelievable storyline. Jessica Alba is Honey, a dancer with a heart of gold who goes head-to-head with the ruthlessness of workplace sexual harassment. Will her spirit be broken? Will she ever pick herself up and dance again? If only we could somehow predict what is going to happen.
For the lush – take one sip when
Honey: Jessica Alba says you're hot? Drink!
For the intermediate – add one shot when
- Jessica Alba says that something is “hot,” even when it totally isn’t
- Jessica Alba gets choreography “inspiration” from someone else (a good analogy of this is to think of what “Skating With Celebrities” is to “Dancing With the Stars”)
- Jessica Alba walks through a club/down the street/into a grocery store and proceeds to say hi to everyone within a five mile radius because she is that popular and likeable
- someone “disses” someone else and it is quite lame
For the hardcore – add two shots when
- Jessica Alba says that something is “hot,” even when it totally isn’t
- Jessica Alba is sad and conveys this by making a confused and slightly nauseated face
Glitter (2001)
- during a very lame catfight, someone has her weave pulled out of her head
- Shawn Desman makes his cameo
From rags to riches, Glitter tells the story of Mariah Carey – er, “Billie Frank” – a back-up singer who goes from obscurity to overnight success. But Mariah’s got issues: she was abandoned as a child and never really had a mother. Perhaps she also had daddy issues, for she hooks up with a DJ who calls himself “Dice” and totally looks like he would appear in one of those late-night infomercials that advertise meeting singles in your area. Mariah tries to stay grounded in an insanely materialistic and merciless industry, even when she is wearing ridiculous outfits and dumbly pretends that she doesn’t know what the lecherous music video director is up to. And sometimes she sings too.
For the lush – take one sip when
Glitter: Mariah Carey is suddenly surrounded by flying glitter? Drink!
For the intermediate – add one shot when
- Mariah Carey mumbles incoherently
- someone makes inappropriate comments towards Mariah Carey’s body – take two sips if this person happens to be working in the music industry
- you actually owned any piece of 80’s wardrobe featured throughout in this film
- glitter magically swirls around Mariah Carey, as birds would with Snow White
- Terrence Howard looks like he is going to throw up from having to stomach the script
- you first hear someone’s totally fake 80’s name, like “Billie” or “Sylk” or “Dice”
- Mariah Carey sings and flutters her hands, much like a butterfly that just wants to be free
For the hardcore – add two shots when
- Mariah Carey does the dirty deed
- Mariah Carey sits thoughtfully at her piano
- Dice wears leather pants
Your Typical Horror Film
- everything is suddenly in slow motion
- Mariah Carey “dances”
Pick something really bad. The cheesier, the better you will enjoy your drinks. Don’t settle for a Hollywood blockbuster like The Exorcist or The Others (although you could argue that both these films could make for pretty good drinking games). Instead, choose something that went straight to video. You’ll recognize these at Blockbuster because a) you’ve never heard of the title; b) the cover looks like a mix between a bad porno, but with cheap blood smeared in random places; c) it will star someone that used to have an actual acting career. These general horror film clichés can be applied to almost any of these type of low-budget and inane films.
For the lush – take one sip when
Your Typical Horror Flick: The first girl to get some action is going to meet her end? There's a token minority? Drink!
For the intermediate – add one shot when
- someone hears a noise and decides to investigate, although it is pitch black outside, they are alone, and look like they wouldn’t know the first to do if they were actually attacked
- a group of teenagers are warned about the haunted mansion/deserted town/decrypt cabin and still decide to head in
- there is a jumpy fake-out followed by an actual killing; add another sip if the fake-out is a screeching cat that’s been hanging out in a closet for the past three days, apparently waiting for someone to happen by and let it out
- someone pokes the seemingly dead killer/alien/zombie and through sheer stupidity, meets his/her demise
- someone is killed in a public open space, and no one notices
- one by one, people who are vacationing/stranded are killed, and no one thinks to leave
- someone is bitten by a zombie/radioactive spider/rabid monkey and no one thinks that maybe they should stop hanging out with this person
For the hardcore – add two shots when
- the slutty girl or couple bites the dust first
- the killer walks around like he just came from a Mandarin buffet and still manages to catch up to the sprinting person he is chasing
- the protagonist says, “Stay in the car/basement/cemetery while I look for help,” and the killer pops up two seconds later and kills the sucker who stayed in the car/basement/cemetery
- someone approaches the most condemned-looking house in the neighbourhood and asks to use the phone
- decaying zombies seem to walk faster than normal humans; add a shot if these decaying zombies, most of which are missing essential body parts, are also much stronger
- someone owns a ghetto car that will never start up on the first try
- someone is obligatorily killed during a scary thunderstorm
- the most obvious woman to survive the film has a jackass of a boyfriend who tries to constantly have sex with her (or other people) until he is killed
- the group of main characters includes a jock, a slutty cheerleader/beautiful ice princess, a genius bookworm, and a token minority for comic relief
Drinking games can work on almost all movies, so put on your creative cap, grab a group of friends and a bowl of popcorn, and prepare for an entertaining night in. Always remember to drink responsibly, have a designated driver or a sofa bed on hand, and never let anyone drink and drive. With these guidelines in mind, get ready for some good times! ¤ C.Ho.
- someone stands around and screams instead of running from the chainsaw wielding maniac
- someone is attacked and the scene cuts, thereby saving the film’s budget by having the person killed off-screen
- someone is attacked and the scene cuts, thereby assuaging the film’s plot holes by having the person pop up at the end without an explanation of how he/she survived
- the killer appears to have superhuman strength and freaky immortality, but is killed quite easily at the end
- your favourite character, which will never be the protagonist or survivor, is killed
- the killer is revealed in the final act and spends five hours hashing out his/her revenge plot and reading from Macbeth instead of, you know, killing some more
Psst! If you have some tried and tested movie drinking games, share the fun and send them in to christine@happygrrls.com. First she'll test out the game herself, and then she'll post the results for others to enjoy as she has.