How to make a music videoÖ
Letís say youíre an aspiring singer-songwriter who has just written a beautiful rhapsody thatís begging to be heard. Or, letís say that youíre not an aspiring singer-songwriter but a so-so singer who just happened to collaborate with will.i.am. Regardless of your situation, youíre going to need a music videoÖbut what to put in your award-winning video? Here are some tried and tested suggestions. ¤ C.Ho.
Have at least one dance sequence where everyone dances in sync. This is a fail-proof way to get some filler in case there really is no point to your video, or if you want to show off that new skanky top. Alternatively, hire some professional dancers and let them do all the dancing while you nod approvingly in the background. If youíre tight on budget, gather some of your more energetic friends, but beware: doing the robot will not cut it anymore.
Make sure your back-up dancers are not better looking than you. This stipulation doesnít need an explanation. If this canít be avoided, place the attractive back-up dancers in the very back and give them unfavourably lighting and/or a hideous wardrobe.
In addition, make sure your ďlove interestĒ is not better looking than you. He needs to be attractive in a way that communicates a convincing physical connection, but not so much so that he takes the attention away from you. If heís built like an Adonis (which is a given), include a scene where he rips his shirt off. On the other hand, if itís a break-up song of sorts, exercise the opposite judgment and make sure that he looks like he hasnít showered in three days. If heís shown with a new girlfriend by his side, make sure she looks like a crack whore.
If youíre suffering from a broken heart, have your lover fade out of the picture to signify that they are gone. This is just in case the audience isnít listening to your song, or has put it on mute.
If showing up to a club or party, never show up alone. Always travel with an entourage that will never be seen again (unless theyíre needed for your synchronized dance later on). This is to show how wildly independent you are.
If showing up to a club or party, always say hi to at least ten people on your way through. And the more enthusiastic they are to see you, the better. If you canít find ten people to fill the background of your venue, just dim the lighting and keep the camera trained on you so no one can tell.
Never smile. Greeting someone? Giving that hot guy the once-over? Asking the bouncer to get that drunken girl out of your VIP area? No matter which scenario you may employ, donít forget to frown and scowl through the whole ordeal. Looking like youíve just seen your high school arch nemesis making out with your boyfriend at all times makes you that much more sexy.
Keep your vices out of the picture, even though everyone in your video shoot is drunk and/or high. Your off-screen antics may be highly publicized, but in your make-believe music video, you are the epitome of class. In your make-believe video, you can hang out at a party or club without getting embarrassingly drunk and having your bodyguards carry you out. In your make-believe video, youíre not in the bathroom stall with caked make-up running down your cheeks, trying to remember where you are, but a confident sex goddess with eternally bouncy hair.
Make sure expensive liquor is prominently displayed at your VIP table, but donít drink any. This follows the same principle as keeping your vices out of the video, but at the same time shows viewers just how much more money you have than the rest of us. You can let the background actors drink, but make sure they are clearly defined as groupies in your VIP area, and that they give you props as you walk by.
If you canít dance very well, make sure that thereís a clean spot on the floor where you can ďsexilyĒ writhe. Not having rhythm isnít a detriment as long as you can somehow suggest and/or simulate the prospect of sex.
If you canít play an instrument, pretend that you do. This gives you ďcred.Ē Better yet, have a full band in the background accompany you. Just make sure that the real musicians arenít glaring at you or making faces behind your back.
If youíve ever wanted to vandalize something without going to jail, this is your chance. Thrash his stuff. Throw cell phones in the toilet. Key a car or two. Make a magical ray shoot out of your finger and pulverize everything in its path. A music video is sometimes the best way to get all your aggressions out without serving time.
Established relationships are for losers: make the point of your video to hook up with someone for casual sex, even if they are originally shown to be involved with someone else. Do this by either enticing them with your synchronized dancing, or by smiling coyly for the entire duration of the video. Showing an actual exchange of words between the two of you is optional. Bonus points are awarded if you can add a random make-out scene by the halfway mark.
Have Timbaland pop out of nowhere for a five second cameo, and then return him to Justin Timberlake. You donít even need to be in the same room during filming Ė as long as you can squeeze out a useless Timbaland intro for your song, he neednít hang around.
If you wear lip-gloss, make sure that it is a prominent part of your video. This one is also self-explanatory. Who doesnít love lip-gloss and songs about lip-gloss?
If youíre too hung over to complete your video, throw in some animated or graphically enhanced interludes that make absolutely no sense but nonetheless look like artistic touches. People are so used to nonsensical filler that it will probably go unnoticed.
If youíve been categorized as preteen/adolescent jailbait by your record company, make sure that there is a prominent dance sequence in your school gym, and donít forget to gyrate in an uncomfortably sexual manner. This is to convey just how young but strangely developed you are.
Wind machines are out. Slow motion is in. But the only person that can move in slow motion is you. The secondary (and only other person) that shall be allowed to move in slow motion is your love interest, and only then just to show the audience that youíve made a deep and lasting connection. If your love interest must have a scene in slow motion, make sure you have two. Another tip: using slow motion techniques when turning around is hot. Remember, youíre the star.