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This & That:

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Fun with stats, comparing the Idols, TV moment of the month…

What do Candace Cameron, Gary Dourdan, and the actress who played Daisy Duke have in common? They've all appeared somewhere in our top articles.

Fun With Stats
I never liked math. It was one of those things that I just resigned myself to not getting, along with driving, painting Christmas ornaments, and the popularity of David Hasselhoff in Germany. I didn't get trigonometry or calculus or the concept of imaginary numbers. Imagination was something I had, but when asked to dissect something that wasn't conceptually real, that's when my brain kind of exploded. But not all math-related things are as confusing. (This is where I should point out that math isn't difficult because I'm a girl, but because I'm me.) Let's take the Happygrrls stats as an example. We like our statistics system (courtesy of Figment, who is our server) because it's pretty and tells us useful things like how many hits we get, what people are searching, and what country they're from. From this, we do sophisticated, mathematical analysis-related things that involve gigantic calculators, spreadsheets in Excel, and a beaker or two.

Besides the math, we also like to see what our readers are perusing. Wanna know too?

Top 20 Articles in Happygrrls:

1. Whatever Happened To?: From Kris Kross to Blossom, we hunt down some of our favourite childhood stars down to see what they've been up to. Spoiler alert: not much.
2. Sexy Men: From our Sexy Issue Pt. II, we run down the sexiest men in entertainment.
3. Retro Fashion: Daisy dukes, Demi Moore haircuts, and other fashion atrocities…relive it all here.
4. Whatever Happened To? The Teen Edition: Screech appearing at Yuk Yuk's, Lisa Turtle dating crazy Martin Lawrence, and more about what other meta-celebrities have been doing since their shows were cancelled.
5. Sexy Music: See what songs make us go ga-ga.
6. 2003 Celebrity Style: For our Year in Review, we run down the best and worst dressed of the year.
7. Toronto Karaoke: Be seen and heard at these Toronto karaoke joints.
8. Get Rich or Die Tryin': 50 Cent's debut studio release gets reviewed.
9. Toronto Lounges: Check out some of our suggestions on where to go, and where not to go.
10. Metrosexuality: What's the big deal about gender bending? After all, Prince has been doing it for years, and he's still selling out tours and such.
11. Making The Band: Who knew P. Diddy's little reality show about putting together a hip-hop band, comprised of about 50 members (okay, there were only like seven members, but that's a bit much in itself), would be so addictive?
12. The Much Music Video Awards: Where were you back on that fine autumn day when the stars descended upon Toronto to walk down a tiny red carpet? If your answer is anywhere but watching the MMVAs, we'll give you a rundown on the red carpet arrivals in our usual Happygrrls style.
13. Surviving a Break-up: Breaking up is hard to do, or so the song tells us. Fear not, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
14. Celebrity Crush: Who did we crush on way back when? See this if you dare to relive the cringe-inducing moments with us.
15. Toronto Clubs: Go shorty, it's your birthday! And here's where you can live it up.
16. How To Fight a Hangover: Like the common cold, there is no cure for a night of heavy drinking, but here are some preventative measures and post-hangover tips on how to deal.
17. Sexy Style: What do we love about guys? Read on to find out.
18. 2002 Man of the Year: Okay, considering it's 2005 now, this article seems a bit odd on this list. But read on to see who was crowned that elusive title (in 2002) anyway.
19. This Business Really Suits Her: Read about Amy Heenan, young entrepreneur and all-around businesswoman of Melmira Swimsuits.
20. Ashanti: In a nutshell: Ashanti's self-titled debut wasn't that great, but heck, people are reading the unabridged version in our review.

Top 20 Search Key Phrases

Key Phrase	Will Give You…	Key Phrase	Will Give You…
"sexy men"	Sexy Men Sexy Style (Men)	"Tatyana Ali"	Whatever Happened To?
"sexy music"	Sexy Music Sexy Music Part II	"retro fashion"	Retro Fashion
"old skool rap"	Old Skool	"Sean Desman"	Unhappy Grrl of the Month The Much Music Video Awards
"Billy Joe Armstrong"	Celebrity Crush 2004 Man of the Year	"Ness and Babs"	Making The Band
"karaoke Toronto"	All About Toronto: Karaoke Happygrrls on the Town This & That (June 2004)	"Toronto lounges"	All About Toronto: Lounges
"80s fashion"	Retro Fashion	"retro music"	Retro Music Old Skool
"retro movies"	Retro Movies Guy Movies Chick Flicks Horror Movies	"George Stroumboulopoulos"	George Stroumboulopoulos Interview
"Beyonce"	Dangerously In Love Destiny Fulfilled	"Eminem"	The Eminem Show Encore
"Candace Cameron"	Whatever Happened To?	"metrosexuality"	Metrosexuality
"Just Desserts Toronto"	All About Toronto: Dessert	"sexy style"	Happygrrls' Sexy Style Sexy Men Sexy Style (Men)

Weirdest Search Key Phrases That Have Nothing To Do With Our Site
Now for the fun part. Here is a following list of key phrases that have popped up in our statistics, but do not really have any explicit meaning to our site (those kooky search engines and the fun they must have). Obviously, these key phrases (left in their unedited glory) have not yielded many hits for us.

“howto download.Trojan” (why would someone want to purposely download a virus?); “how to impress the guy in a pub” (hint: outdrink him); “ashley olsen pierced” (she is? I’ve got to Google that later); “sexy men old” (hmm…); “nelly’s band-aid” (that did appear in our Year in Review Reader’s Poll, but probably not the way Nelly intended); “why should i care? you weren’t there when i was scared i was so alone” (those are Avril Lavigne lyrics); “t&a” (no); “the road to stardom theme song name” (it’s probably something like “Get On The Bus” by Missy Elliott, although I’m stretching here); “dustin diamond teaches chess” (he does); “kim from home and away shirtless” (who? no); “daisy duke naked” (again, no); “pantene pro v acne” (Pantene is a hair product line); “blonde men not found attractive” (really?); “asian fever” (as I recall, that is a pornographic movie); “adjectives to describe someone nice” (hint: use a thesaurus); “birth control pills horny” (I’ve given up on writing in these parentheses); “how american idol works” (not very well; see below); “ashley judd virginity” (I reckon that’s an oxymoron); “why did usher and chili break up” (we hear that she wanted to settle down and he didn’t, but it’s just speculation; also, he might or might not have impregnated a groupie); “tell what version of socks a pc is using” (I don’t even get that part about the socks, unless it is shorthand for “sockets,” and then…still no); “greeks stereotypes restaurant” (I hope that’s the name of a restaurant); “kaiser soze” (is the devil from The Usual Suspects); “confessions of an angry black woman” (not to be confused with Dear Angry Black Grrl); “the greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn’t exist” (enough with The Usual Suspects trivia); “my boyfriend wears thongs” (hee); “take relationship survey” (aw, and we had one too!); “candace cameron nude” (no); “drunk women vomiting” (very wrong site).

Which Idol passes the test?

Comparing The Idols (A.K.A. Fun With Stats Pt. II)
Now that American Idol is motoring off at an increasingly slow pace through its fourth season, it's time to relive the glory of seasons past. Where were you when Kelly Clarkson beat Justin Guarini, who later fell off the face of the Earth? And when Ruben beat Clay by less than 1% of the votes, which actually constituted the population of a small country, were you there crying along? How bout that time Fantasia Barrino beat little Diana Degarmo, even though the former is this close to being the next Macy Gray, and the latter was due for her nap anyway?

After all the fanfare is done, where do these people go? As we've seen, the Idol machine is quick to turn them out, but do the promises of riches, fancy cars, and an additional fifteen minutes of fame pan out? Most importantly, as chosen by the fickle public, do these so-called stars actually amount to much? Let's compare.

Miss Kelly Clarkson (Season 1) Albums: American Idol Greatest Moments (2002); American Idol: The Great Holiday Classics (2003); Thankful (2003), Breakaway (2004) Biggest Hit To Date: "Miss Independent" (#1 on Billboard Hot 100 Singles for 5 weeks); "A Moment Like This" (#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles Sales chart for 5 weeks) Best Charted: 2002 #52 Billboard Singles Artist of the Year; 2003 #8 Billboard Singles Artist of the Year; 2004 #2 Billboard Top Soundtrack Singles of the Year (for "Breakaway"); #81 Billboard Hot 100 Artists of the Year Kudos: Nominated for an American Music Award, Grammy, and MTV Video Music Award; won a Teen Choice Award for Choice Music Female Artist Number of Fan Websites: 9 (Please not that these only include sites explicitly devoted to the artist and which are not set up by labels or companies.) Choice Collaborations: Avril Lavigne, Chantel Kreviazuk, Raine Maida, Ben Moody

Mr. Ruben Studdard (Season 2) Albums: American Idol Season 2: All-Time Classic American Love Songs (2003); American Idol: The Great Holiday Classics (2003); Soulful (2003); I Need An Angel (2004) Biggest Hit To Date: "Flying Without Wings" (#1 Billboard Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Singles Sales for 8 weeks) Best Charted: 2003 #1 Billboard Top Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Single Sales of the Year (for "Flying Without Wings"/"Superstar"); 2004 #94 Billboard Singles Artist of the Year; 2004 #7 Billboard Top New Artist of the Year; #33 Billboard Top 200 Artist of the Year; 2004 #2 Billboard Top New R&B/Hip Hop Artist of the Year Kudos: Nominated for a Grammy and American Music Award Number of Fan Websites: 3; 4 if you count a page on a Clay Aiken fan site (Please not that these only include sites explicitly devoted to the artist and which are not set up by labels or companies.) Choice Collaborations: Fat Joe, Pretty Tony (were gonna but didn't: Missy Elliott, R. Kelly, Ja Rule)

Miss Fantasia (Season 3) Albums: American Idol Season 3: Greatest Soul Classics (2004); Free Yourself (2004) Biggest Hit To Date: "I Believe" (#1 Billboard Hot 100, #1 Billboard R&B/Hip-Hop Singles, #1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles Sales - time unknown) Best Charted: 2004 #140 Billboard Singles Artist of the Year; #1 Canadian Singles (time unknown); 2004 #1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles Sales Kudos: None thus far, but I'm sure she's got loads of money to make up for it Number of Fan Websites: 7 (Please not that these only include sites explicitly devoted to the artist and which are not set up by labels or companies.) Choice Collaborations: Missy Elliott, Jermaine Dupri, and Rodney Jerkins

And the winner is…
After five seconds of deliberation, it seems that the Idol with the most staying power is Kelly Clarkson. With Thankful's 2003 release, Clarkson shot up to #8 on the Billboard Artist Charts, and while Ruben did a commendable job with Soulful, it wasn't enough to keep the fan sites coming. Nor was it enough to get Missy Elliott, R. Kelly, or Ja Rule in the studio with him. And it's Ja Rule we're talking about, the King of Not Doing Much Lately. Kelly's doing well with Breakaway, while Ruben's follow up, I Need An Angel, isn't faring as well (raise your hand if you knew he had a second album). As for Fantasia (who dropped the Barrino as all premature divas are wont to do), give her a couple of years, and you still won't hear from her.

TV Moment of the Month

Melinda Lira is shocked. Shocked! And also: Ryan Seacrest is short.

We all know that "American Idol" can be a very manipulative and mean-spirited show when it wants to be. The contestants are inexperienced and vulnerable, and Simon Cowell is weathered and grumpy - not exactly a fair match. But once Season 4 got off to its start, there was no turning back. And so, on a Very Special Episode of "American Idol," and the first official elimination round in their yearlong season, the first contestant to go had a Very Special Breakdown. What turned out to be an hour long results show filler turned into a horrific, mind-numbing bloodbath, as contestants were toyed with, made to feel safe, and then eliminated in seconds. Melinda Lira, the first to go, stood in shock as Ryan Seacrest told her the news. She placed her hands on her hips, and stood some more. Finally, when asked to say a few words, she tore into the show and its producers, claiming that she never got any camera time on the clips shows and Hollywood finals. And Lira wasn't far off on her claims. "American Idol" has been infamous with giving early favourites as much camera time as FOX allows, and with others in the women's group being practically handed their own reality show, Lira didn't stand much of a chance. Couple this with the fact that she was called down with Janay Castine, who similarly had trouble with her performance the night before, but who got ample screen time, and the theory isn't far off. The judges (Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson) obviously didn't agree, but then again, they've been part of that machine way longer than Lira's been singing. Cowell's rebuff came two weeks later, as another booted contestant who wasn't given much screen time cried wolf. Simon's remark? Eat it up. America isn't stupid, and they will vote for the person who has the most talent, not screen time. The declaration of a fair system and good taste works in theory, but it still doesn't explain why previous contestants like Nikki McKibbin, my all-time favourite contestant Carmen Rasmusen, and Jasmine Trias stayed on for so long. Here's another theory: the "American Idol" producers already know who they are and aren't willing to work with, and the screen time is just another assurance that America will agree. Rock on, Constantine.

You can see from the above footage that Jennifer Lopez is trying very, very hard to not suck. We say: try harder!

Another TV Moment that should not be missed, but has admittedly aired some time ago, is the performance of one Jennifer Lopez and her perpetually wan-looking husband, Marc Anthony, at the Grammy Awards. As well all know, the two were married in some top-secret ceremony, and blah blah we-are-so-sick-of-this blah denied rumours thereafter that they had tied the knot. And then, all of a sudden, Lopez was ready to share her love of Anthony with the world, and did so with a Very Special Performance at the Grammys. This would not mark the first time Lopez has worked with Anthony, who did a duet on one of her earlier sucky albums and appears on two others in Rebirth. "We just kept going, kept with the flow, and it was really an incredible, growing process," Lopez gushed to mtv.com. "Marc's kind of created the sound and found the music, and then I bring to it what I bring to it, my own passion. The thing about music, when it happens in the right way: it's the right song with the right artist with the right sound at the right time, and we have that going on right now." Apparently, this could have been farther from the truth as the couple sang Escapémonos. He was a wan-looking singer trying to maneuver through a gaudy and unnecessary set; she was a tanned beauty hilariously brushing her hair while looking for a note. Nails on a chalkboard? Not quite as bad. A thousand kittens rubbing their furry bellies on your face when you're allergic? A walk in the park compared to this. And yet they kept singing, the screeching never ending. Makes you wonder what that limo ride to the after-party must have sounded like.

As reported by "CBS News," Jennifer Lopez finally comes clean: "Yes, we're married. I mean, come on, everyone knows. It's not a secret." Did you hear that, World? Now we can all sleep a little easier as our most pressing question thus far has been answered by Ms. Lopez herself. You hear that noise, Jennifer? That's the collective sigh of the world as we all go on with our lives.

The report continues: "Lopez says during the performance she was ailing from swollen glands and a sore throat, which caused her to cancel a London trip the following week...though the trip cancellation prompted some speculation of pregnancy, Lopez says she's not on a timetable to have a baby - though she hopes to become a mother someday." Again, we are relieved to hear that her horrible Grammy performance was only a throat-related ailment (ahem, Ashlee Simpson, ahem) and that she actually does not suck as much as we were led to believe. Also of great and important news is the fact that Lopez may someday procreate. Hurrah! ¤ C.Ho.