This & That:
Fun with stats II, the fame game, TV moment of the month…
Fun With Stats...Again
Everyone knows my weird obsession with Google, which is the best thing that's been invented, ever. Perhaps my hyperbole is also as widely regarded as my weird obsessions, but Google is pretty darn good. As an online publication, we here at Happygrrls know that we have to make good with Google because, in the off chance that we piss them off, a giant computer will come to our houses and beat us with a pot roast.
Still, Google does have its moments. It is, after all, only a giant computer with many, many brains that I sometimes worship at night. So what does Google do when we enter "Happygrrls" into its super-fast search engine - besides give us results in directories, other search engines, and porn sites? Let's take a look at some of the kookier results.
Page Name: Rose Quartz Fu Dogs
Description: This looks like a long index of various sites covering rose quartz and/or fu dogs with topic descriptions and links all jumbled up together.
What It Might Have To Do With: How To: Use Feng Shui
But Are We Actually On The Indexed Page? Yes.
Page Name: How To Make A Computer Virus
Description: I'm actually kind of afraid to look at the site. But alas, it's only a bare page with a search engine…powered by Google.
What It Might Have To Do With: How To: Keep Your Computer Virus-Free (Note the discrepancy between the two titles.)
But Are We Actually On The Indexed Page? No.
Page Name: The Kibitzer's Cafe - Chess Discussion Forum
Description: I actually like chess, but that's beside the point. This is a forum for discussion of all things chess.
What It Might Have To Do With: The only thing that comes to mind is Whatever Happened To: The Teen Edition (Dustin Diamond, "Screech" of "Saved By The Bell" fame, put out a chess instructional video that I referenced quite a lot.)
But Are We Actually On The Indexed Page? No.
Page Name: Violetta Bellochio: I Wanted To Be With You Alone And Talk About The Weather
Description: Violetta Bellochio has a pretty cool blog…but it's in Italian.
What It Might Have To Do With: To Do List I and II. Violetta's got a list of her own that, my shoddy Italian translating skills tell me, she initially gleaned from a friend, who may have stumbled upon our site at one time.
But Are We Actually On The Indexed Page? Yes. And the comment reads: "Certo che vi cito tutti, ci mancherebbe!! Ricapitolando, tutto nasce da happygrrls.com, poi passa da Giulia che lo passa a te e tu lo passi a Malvezzo, il quale lo passa poi ad altri che però non ho ancora letto. E' corretto?" - which Babelfish translated to: "Sure that I cite you all, it would lack to us!! _ ricapitolando, all be born from happygrrls.com, then pass from Julia that it pass to you and you it step to Malvezzo, the which it pass then to other that but not have still read. Correct E'?" Close enough.
Page Name: Welcome To Shop! Online (in South Africa)
Description: This shopping portal's page lists a location for an Accessorize store in Capetown. And…the contact person is our own Michelle! I never knew she moonlighted.
What It Might Have To Do With: Michelle's Accessorize Store feature.
But Are We Actually On The Indexed Page? Yes. Well, Michelle is.
The Fame Game
In our galaxy of celebrity worth, who needs to shine and who needs to blow up under the weight of their own noxious gas?
Ever wonder how some people become famous, while others toil away in obscurity? I do, all the time. Unfortunately, fame is hardly ever earned. Here is a rundown of who needs to go, and who needs to get a better agent.
Paris Hilton: Paris fills her days with shopping and slutty inclinations. The only thing she has going for her is the Hilton family name, which she's only earned by birth. But we no longer live in a feudal system! Just like Lizzie Grubman, I have no idea as to how or why people are so widely regarded simply because they have a wild party-goer reputation. Paris has had her share of non-slutty endeavors (a book, a TV show here and there, some film time) but is still most widely renowned for her badly lit porn videos and man-boy conquests, which were a precursor, not result of, her more legit endeavors. She also has a dog that is fairly famous for doing nothing (I mean, Lassie never got any expensive doggie clothes, and she did a heck of a lot more than Tinkerbell). How many vapid blondes would kill for the chance to fill Paris' shoes?
Kevin Federline: The Cheetos aren't doing any wonders for Kevin's complexion, and neither is his burgeoning rap career. Kevin, formerly known as the dancer who knocks up women during commercials, is now known as Mr. Britney Spears. First, marrying Britney Spears is no big feat - heck, you can smell her neediness from a mile away; and second, marrying Britney Spears is not even in the same universe as, say, heavy petting with Halle Berry. Nevertheless, everyone got what they wanted out of this unholy union: Britney has a lil' bundle of joy who has to love her, no matter what, and Kevin has the leverage to put out bad rap albums and sleep with skanky fame whores. I mean, skanky fame whores who aren't him. So everybody wins!
Paris Latsis and Stavros Niarchos: Both were victims of the trend-of-the-week (millionaire heirs and blonde starlet couplings), and lived to tell about it. But besides this, there isn't much else that these two actually do. For further explanation, please see Paris Hilton.
Brandon Davis: Ditto for you, Mr. Oil Heir. Dating Mischa Barton and having your picture in the tabloids as you caress her bony body and shove your tongue down her throat does not constitute an actual worth. And Mischa Barton isn't that famous.
Tara Reid: I know Tara Reid is an actress and pays for her own bills, but a quick rundown of her resume indicates that her roles are as important in this world as those little rings that you put around three-holed paper to keep the pages together. Josie and the Pussycats? Van Wilder? My Boss' Daughter? Not that great. I do, however, give kudos to Reid for befriending someone who may possibly be at her intellectual level (Paris Hilton, of course) and getting her start on "Saved By The Bell: The New Class." Let's not forget the American Pie series, although she was conspicuously absent for the third and final installment. But let's forget her weak attempt at becoming a pseudo-celebrity by trying to name a show after herself ("Taradise") and failing miserably. Even the E! Network can't buy into that crap.
Colin Farrell: Some people might find Farrell attractive - and he is blessed with a good set of rugged genes - but even fewer would ever admit to watching any of his films. Let's see, there's: American Outlaws, Phone Booth, S.W.A.T., Alexander. Blockbusters which did feature Farrell, like Minority Report and Daredevil, were widely lauded for things besides Farrell, who could have easily been replaced by a potato sack for all the good he did to bring in the sales. His philandering ways have garnered him more press than his actual acting. For once, I'd like to see Farrell step away from his own over-inflated ego (and, as rumoured by early screenings of A Home at the End of the World, his other over-inflated parts) and concentrate on his career.
Omarion/Marques Houston/Mario: They're the new breed of boy-band, except there's only one of them and they specialize in overly stylized generic R&B ballads instead of overly stylized generic pop ballads. Until one of them becomes the next Usher, they're all too interchangeable and too overplayed on BET's "106 & Park" to be taken seriously as a force to be reckoned with - although, seriously, any one of them could be more famous than irritating Bow Wow.
Not Famous Enough
Rowan Atkinson: My love for British comedians knows no bounds, and I'm surprised that more people don't share in the love of Atkinson. His "Mr. Bean" series is a hoot (or deeply disturbing, if you don't feel like suspending your disbelief that there's nothing wrong with a grown man carrying a stuffed bear around and mumbling to everyone around him), and his bit roles in big movies like Rat Race and Love Actually were superb comic genius. So Johnny English, his first major North American vehicle, wasn't that great, nor did it make a lot of money. But surely Atkinson deserves another chance? After all, we were nice enough to give Jean Claude van Damne all those passes.
Don Cheadle: When Cheadle appears on-screen, people take notice. He's one of the greatest character actors in the industry today, and whether he's playing a thief with a fake accent in Ocean's Eleven, or a cowboy storeowner in Boogie Nights, it's all Cheadle, all the time. In 2004, Cheadle stepped into one of his first leading man roles as Paul Rusesabagina in Hotel Rwanda, and showed audiences and critics alike just how fine-tuned his acting chops really are. Unfortunately, Cheadle was robbed of the Oscar (fine, Jaime Foxx did a great job too, but would it have killed the Oscar people to let them share the honours?). Not to worry though - it's very doubtful that this will be Cheadle's last shot at greatness.
Lauren Graham: This season of "Gilmore Girls" might as well be its last, what with character assassinations, poor scripts, and ridiculous plots taking over what once was a quirky, cute show. But throughout the drama's six seasons or so, the saving grace has been Graham as the titular mama Gilmore. Graham is less a mother and more a chatty best friend, and she has great fashion taste to boot. She can play annoying, snappy, witty and flawed like few actresses can. Even if the WB Network doesn't necessarily require it, her acting has been consistently above average. In fact, she should be required to be in every scene of the show, if that means keeping irate fans at bay. Here's hoping that once "Gilmore Girls" ends, Graham will find her way into better projects.
Jason Stratham: Just because he's so damn sexy.
Tom Cruise: No one ever thought Cruise would turn out so wacky, but in a mere year, he's gone from handsome super-celebrity to Scientology schmuck with a baby on the way. (Not that I saw it coming, but I will say that I never liked Cruise very much to begin with…there was always something off about him.) Still, his foolish antics on and off-screen, and the scrutiny (and backlash) they come under, make his fame meter just right.
Jessica Simpson: Simpson went from C-list songstress to A-list celebrity after her reality show, "Newlyweds," became a surprise hit. Suddenly, she was invited to award shows, parties, and her own NBC holiday specials. All the while, her soon-to-be ex-husband, Nick Lachey, rode on her coattails. She doesn't get kudos for her albums or her wardrobe choices or The Dukes of Hazzard, but she does get props for seemingly becoming famous overnight and capitalizing on America's obsession with blonde bimbo-types.
TV Moment of the Month
In one of the most weird "The Apprentice" episodes to date, Donald Trump imparts advice on sex and ordering at restaurants.
Donald Trump has always been an unorthodox businessman. He built an empire out of his name, went bankrupt several times, and married and divorced every woman who was a former beauty queen or model or flight attendant. But just when you thought Trump couldn't possibly top his own biography, he shows just how weird the rich can truly be on reality television.
On the seventh episode of the fourth season of "The Apprentice," teams were asked to conduct a class at the Learning Annex. One team chose "Standing Out," and although the subject itself was quite boring, they executed the class well. The other team went another tack, going for "gutsy" and "bold" and "not at all stupid," and came up with "Sex At Work." The project manager, Adam, took offense to the topic and was highly uncomfortable with the subject of anything sexual, but went ahead with it anyway because the team was doomed from the start.
Adam began the seminar by proclaiming his uneasiness with the topic, and repeatedly told the crowd that he was just a "nice, Jewish boy from Atlanta." Clay, his openly gay team member, took the reigns shortly after. He told the audience that he liked "checking out" his male co-workers and being slapped on the "ass" at work. If this weren't cringe-worthy enough, Clay was unable to recover from his risky statements. "I have to feel really comfortable with the person, and I also have to be willing to spend the money," Adam said towards the end of the seminar. Clay butted in with, "But remember, he's the shy, tight Jewish boy." After moments of uncomfortable silence, Adam wrapped up the seminar but confronted Clay in the hall, hinting that he perceived Clay's parting comment to imply something about Adam's background. Clay backhandedly apologized if his comments seemed rude and crass, and the team decided to move on. That is, until they lost.
In the worst boardroom ever, the team came under attack for their topic. Was sex at work good? Was it bad? Was it a seminar on how to do it? As confusing as their seminar was, what was more confusing was why Adam decided to go ahead with it because it became blatantly clear that he was plagued with trepidation from the start. Clay's comments also came under scrutiny as the main reason the team received such low scores on their presentation. Donald Trump began to lose it with his incredulous, "Are you a homosexual, Clay?" (Notice his use of "a" in front of homosexual, as if this were some sort of "thing" that is so far removed from Trump's lexicon.) Clay affirmed that he was, indeed, gay. Trump, not satisfied by Clay's unabashed response, proceeded to go around the room to quiz everyone on whether this was public knowledge, as if everyone was as blind and deaf as Trump himself. Upon finding out that he was the only one in the dark, Trump finally closed his slack jaw and finished off with, "That's why they have menus in restaurants, you know? I like steak, somebody else likes spaghetti. That's why they have menus in restaurants." I'm actually very surprised that this wasn't included in Trump's Lesson of the Week segment.
Sadly, even though Trump had validated Clay's sexual preference and all is right with the world again, it doesn't stop there. Later, Trump turned to Adam and asked, "Adam, have you ever had sex before?" Adam, who tried to be diplomatic although all he really wanted to do was cry, answered, "Honestly, sir? I don't feel comfortable answering that question."
And then Trump really let it loose. "How can you be afraid to talk about sex? Sex is, like, not a big deal! How can you be afraid?" Followed by announcing to the room, "Adam isn't good with sex. You might be in ten years, but right now you don't feel comfortable with sex. [But] you will. Someday you will. It's gotten me into a lot of trouble, Adam. It's cost me a lot of money. Do you understand that? You'll probably be there, in some respects I hope that you are, because there's nothing like it."
So the moral of this story is that Trump is okay with homosexuals because they have menus in restaurants, and really likes sex and hopes that Adam will someday enjoy it too - just not with Trump, because Trump likes to order steak, not spaghetti, at restaurants. And now, you are as equally scarred as I am by all of this. ¤ C.Ho.