I'll do him!
Everyone has that someone. That one person you feel so attracted to that you dream about having hot, steamy sex with all night long. Or all week long, depending on how freaky your dreams are. I'm not talking about your boyfriend or girlfriend, although they are perfect candidates, but perhaps someone who you've seen, heard, fantasized about, but never met. As Michelle and I had one of our usual talks about nothing in particular, I realized that I no longer had that one person. I had more than several. So I decided to jot them down, for no apparent reason.
I should add a disclaimer here, though, so that I don't come across as being delusional: The persons on this list, in no way, should feel obligated to sleep with me, and should in no way feel threatened by being on this list. This list does not suggest that I will stalk these persons in any way or wait for them outside of their homes in the hope that they will sleep with me. I mean no disrespect to any of the persons on this list, and do not think of them as mere boy toys that would cater to my every desire, but as persons with feelings and passions and drives. I apologize in advance if I come across as thinking only with my…ahem, sexual needs. Also, this list does not imply that I am into group sex, casual sex, or anything else of the like, or that I will pay money to sleep with any of these persons. Remember, no glove no love.
As you can see, I have a very vivid, often sex-crazed imagination. I honestly thought my list would be longer, but it's kind of a relief that I don't really intend to do the whole world, just a few select individuals. Hey, a girl can dream, can't she? ¤ C.Ho.
- Dave Foley
Who? "Kids in the Hall," "Newsradio"
The Moment: Watching late-night KITH re-runs.
The Date: This is the man I would save myself for, if I were still a virgin. (Let's just pretend that I still am.) First I'd ask him to make me laugh, which wouldn't be too hard for him to do, then I'd do him.
- Kevin James
Who? "King of Queens," Hitch
The Moment: Watching "King of Queens." We also share the same birthday. Coincidence? I think not. There's just something about this man that I find extremely sexy. I love him on "King of Queens" and secretly wish that I were playing his on-screen wife.
The Date: I'd cook him dinner, then I'd do him.
- Kevin Spacey
Who? American Beauty, The Shipping News
The Moment: Watching The Usual Suspects. Keyser Soze. Genius.
The Date: I don't know if I'd actually do him. We'd probably just stay up all night talking. Okay, maybe after that I'd do him.
- Shane West
Who? "Once and Again," A Walk to Remember
The Moment: Watching A Walk to Remember and thinking, "Wanna be my boyfriend?" Ah, someone on this list who is actually closer to my age. I know he's a teen actor and all, but he's too cute for words.
The Date: I'd go to L.A., watch his indie band play, and then I'd do him.
- Hugh Grant
Who? Notting Hill, Bridget Jones' Diary
The Moment: Watching Notting Hill (five times in a row once - I had a lot of time on my hands) and digging the British accent.
The Date: I'd ask him to talk to me in his sexy British accent, tell him I never liked Elizabeth Hurley, and then I'd do him.
- George Stroumboulopoulos
Who? Ex-Much Music VJ, ex-host of "The New Music," host of CBC's "The Hour"
The Moment: Watching Much Music News and falling for the George charisma. What can I say? I got a chance to interview him, and although I didn't want to jump him right then and there (because I wanted to finish the interview before he called the cops on me), I've always been attracted to him.
The Date: We'd go grab some coffee and talk, I'd advise him to get some well-deserved sleep, and when he woke up I'd do him.
- Homer Simpson
Who? "The Simpsons"
The Moment: Watching any "Simpsons" episode where Homer does something stupid, but then redeems himself by doing something really sweet at the end. Okay, I know he's a cartoon, and the thought of doing a cartoon is really creepy. But Homer is the man.
The Date: I'd marry him, so naturally I'd do him too.
- Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
Who? WWE superstar, the Rock
The Moment: When he turned to me and cocked his eyebrow at me. Wait, that was in my dream.
The Date: I'd tell him that he's better than Stone Cold and Triple H, ask him to give me that sexy eyebrow raise, and then I'd do him, although I'm torn between calling him "Dwayne" or "The Rock" during sex. I wonder if he would still refer to himself as the third person? That would be creepy. "Is the Rock good, baby? Is the Rock the man?"
- Deryck Whibley
Who? Lead singer of Sum 41
The Moment: Watching Sum 41 perform on Much Music.
The Date: I'd play the guitar for him, he'd humour me and tell me I was good, then I'd do him.
- Ice Cube
Who? Rapper turned actor, Barbershop, xXx: State of the Union
The Moment: Watching Next Friday. Ice Cube is just a big, cute, and sometimes horny teddy bear.
The Date: Can he rap? Check. Can he act? Check. Will I do him? Check.
- Topher Grace
Who? "That 70's Show"
The Moment: Watching Traffic and drooling over his "talents."
The Date: I'm probably more in love with his character on "That 70's Show" than his actual self. No matter, I'd still do him.
- Seth Green/Breckin Meyer
Who? Austin Powers and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (Green), Rat Race (both)
The Moment: Watching Austin Powers, then Rat Race. Although Rat Race sucked, Green and Meyer were too cute for words.
The Date: Uh, did I say I wasn't into group sex? Make this one an exception. We'd play Playstation all day long, eat a lot of junk food, down a couple of beers, and before drunkenly passing out, I'd do them.
- Tobey MacGuire
Who? The Cider House Rules, Spider-man
The Moment: Watching Pleasantville. His vulnerability was endearing, and his acting blew me away.
The Date: I so wanted to do him before he landed the role of Spider-Man. Now that he's buff and in charge, I want to do him even more.
- Ethan Zohn
Who? "Survivor 3 : Africa"
The Moment: When Ethan concocted that evil plan to throw the immunity challenge, thus causing Silas to be booted off. Finally, someone with brains on that island.
The Date: Even if he didn't win the million, I'd fly down to Africa, tell him to take a shower, then I'd do him.
- Orlando Bloom
Who? Lord of the Rings trilogy, Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy
The Moment: Watching Lord of the Rings, and thinking, "Man, that boy is pretty."
The Date: So he's prettier than I am, and has more beautiful elf hair than I do. I bet he's even sexier when he's all sweaty. I'd definitely do him.