Happygrrls :. To-Do List III

Given the last man on Earth scenario, I will never, ever mate with the following: any of the Bachelors; anyone affiliated with Murder Inc., especially Ja Rule; Ashton Kutcher; Tom Cruise; anyone who has appeared on "American Idol," "Fear Factor," "Elimidate", etc.; any Backstreet Boy; Ben Affleck; any of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers; anyone who thinks that socks with sandals are good; and the guy who keeps bumming a cigarette from me and never says thank you, even though this happens on a daily basis.

It's been a while since I thought about my to-do list, and which lucky man was going to appear on it. Sure, Eminem and I had a good run, but the love was not to be. Similarly, Orlando Bloom and I decided to part ways, as did Ewan McGregor and his light saber and me. And Tobey McGuire, who once graced my heart like no other superhero could, is getting a run for his money by his doppelganger, Jake Gyllenhaal.

Although I've had to make cuts this time around (I mean, a girl's heart can only give so much), it doesn't mean that the men who had once graced my to-do list do not hold a special place in my memories. But it really is time to let go and discover new womanly girl crushes. So without further ado, here is my new and improved list. ¤ C.Ho.

Wentworth Miller
Last Year's Position: -
Who? "Prison Break," The Human Stain
The Moment: Watching an old episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" ("Go Fish"), and noticing Wentworth in all his fine glory as a doomed swimmer on the high school's swim team. As Gage Petronzi, Wentworth had few lines and was playing an ass, but when he was on-screen, I was all over it.
The Date: We'd sit in bed, sipping champagne while Wentworth reads Shakespeare in his sexy, sexy voice. Maybe we'll play a rousing game of Scrabble, since he is a Princeton English major and all, and feed strawberries to each other. And then he'd stare at me broodingly, breaking me down with his smoldering stare until I succumbed to his every wish.
Dave Foley
Last Year's Position: #1
Who? "The Kids in the Hall," Sky High
The Moment: Watching "Kids in the Hall," and musing that Dave is such a combination of funny, charming, and a little awkward that he is my secret soul mate. And realizing that he doesn't look all that bad as a woman, which makes me a little confused.
The Date: We'd play charades all night with the rest of the Kids, eating junk food and drinking wine. Later, we'd retire for the night, musing about Kevin McDonald's wicked chicken impression. Then we'd snuggle in bed while recounting our fondest and funniest childhood memories.
Scott Speedman
Last Year's Position: #4
Who? "Felicity," xXx: State of the Union, Underworld: Evolution
The Moment: Watching re-runs of "Felicity" on the W Network, and yearning to run my hands through his thick, luxurious hair as he whispers huskily that he wants to ravage me. And wishing that he didn't cheat on Felicity, because otherwise he would've been the perfect boyfriend.
The Date: We'd hold hands in the park and watch the swans swim in the lake, laughing about how wacky swans can sometimes be. Then we'd head over the amusement park and share cotton candy, and he'd laugh at me as I freak out on the Ferris wheel. Then we'd run into a secluded corner behind the carny booths and make out a little.
Jon Stewart
Last Year's Position: -
Who? Host of "The Daily Show," co-author of America (The Book), Death to Smoochy
The Moment: Seeing him on "The Oprah Winfrey Show," of all shows, talking fondly about his wife and baby, all the while keeping his composure (ahem, Tom Cruise) and spouting his usual witty self-deprecation. But before that - seeing him give CNN's now-cancelled "Crossfire" hosts a taste of their own medicine in a fantastic smack down.
The Date: We'd talk about the advantages of being Canadian versus American, and eat ice cream and whipped cream and laugh all night long. Then he'd whisk me off to the upstairs bedroom to do a little less talking.
Don Cheadle
Last Year's Position: -
Who? Hotel Rwanda, Ocean's Twelve
The Moment: Watching him rock on Boogie Nights and Traffic, and crying during Hotel Rwanda because his performance is just that compelling.
The Date: Since Don is an accomplished saxophone player, he'll serenade me all night with his jazzy blues. Then we'd talk smack about Swordfish and he'd wonder, bemused, why he ever agreed to let it tarnish his resume. Then we'd go over his possible future movie roles, followed by lessons on how to fake a cool English accent. Finally, we'd go skinny dipping in a pool somewhere and then dry off in his hybrid car.
Jason Stratham
Last Year's Position: -
Who? The Italian Job, Transporter 2
The Moment: Catching The Transporter on television because there was nothing else on, and wondering why he had escaped my lust all this time. And happy that as campy and unbelievable as The Transporter is, it isn't as bad as I originally thought it might be.
The Date: We'd take in a show and have a nice candle-lit Italian dinner while discussing the merits and downfalls of "Blind Date." After our appetite is sated, we'll go dancing under the stars and talk smack about Ja Rule. Then he'd give me a private martial arts lesson and let me kick his ass; this wouldn't last very long as we'll be overcome with passion - right there on the gym mats.
Topher Grace
Last Year's Position: #12
Who? "That 70s Show," In Good Company, Spider-Man 3
The Moment: Watching In Good Company and marveling at how hot he looks in a suit and without an "Eight Is Enough" haircut, while cursing Scarlett Johansson for not jumping his bones more often. Despite this, I cannot bring myself to watch Win A Date With Tad Hamilton!, although I will stare at his studio stills.
The Date: He'd come over and we'd attempt to make sushi and drink sake and then totally give up and order pizza and wings instead. We'll watch old movies and talk about how crappy Hollywood films have become before cuddling on the couch and falling asleep in each other's arms. (This is the PG version, of course.)
Homer Simpson
Last Year's Position: #10
Who? Patriarch of the Simpsons clan and America's favourite anti-dad
The Moment: Marveling at how insensitive, dumb, yet sweet and kind one cartoon character can be. Also saying, "Mmm�[insert food here]" whenever Homer does, and rooting for him when Marge hooks up with her old high school boyfriend, Artie, and Homer tries to win her back in his usual buffoonish manner and ends up falling through a glass roof.
The Date: An all-you-can-eat buffet, followed by a trip to Moe's, where Lenny and Carl will regale us with funny stories about working with Homer. After carrying Homer home due to his drunkenness, I'd tuck him into bed and tickle his tummy.
Deryck Whibley
Last Year's Position: -
Who? Lead singer and guitarist of Sum 41, which is the rawer and better version of Simple Plan.
The Moment: Deryck appeared on my first to-do list but was dropped in my second, earning him the title of the Greatest Comeback Ever. Of course, the drop occurred around the time that it was rumored that he hooked up with Avril Lavigne after briefly dating Paris Hilton, but I assure you, it's all coincidence. Their latest album, Chuck, is very good, and the resulting music videos have moved Deryck back into my cold, cold heart.
The Date: A Sum 41 concert, where I will stare lovingly at Deryck up on stage, followed by many scary death matches with his groupies, followed by a back stage rendezvous. Then we'll eat chicken wings and play video games (preferably something to do with Super Mario, which is the only game I don't totally suck at), and then he'll serenade me with an acoustic version of "Some Say." Afterwards, I'd do him.
Jean Reno
Last Year's Position: -
Who? L�on, The Pink Panther
The Moment: Jean is constantly playing bad guys, but the first time I saw him, he was a kind-hearted hitman who befriended Natalie Portman and gave her a bra and protected her from imminent death. I was hooked on his portrayal of such a complex character, and swooned every time he drank milk.
The Date: Jean can do no wrong in my mind, especially when he's whispering sweet nothings in his sexy French accent. We'll catch a live jazz band and frolic in a fountain, dancing beneath the stars. After a bottle of wine and not much else to do, we'll retire to his bedroom and talk smack about Tom Cruise and drink frothy cappuccinos and watch the sun rise. Then we'd take a shower, but not necessarily at different times.
John Cusack
Last Year's Position: -
Who? Must Love Dogs, The Ice Harvest
The Moment: It doesn't matter that the last John Cusak movie I saw was Serendipity, or that any of his later and upcoming projects do nothing for me. What matters is that John is the eternal man-child, able to play endearing leading man or con man in a caper without much difficulty. Plus, when he smiles, it's like cute puppies and blankets on a cold winter day.
The Date: We'll take in a rainy Sunday matinee film at the local theatre, then duck into a coffee shop for some cake, chai lattes, and flirting. Then we'll run out and forget our umbrellas and have to hide under a store awning to avoid getting wet, although we already are. Then we'd make out, not once caring what passersby might think, and it will be quite delicious.
Mekhi Phifer
Last Year's Position: -
Who? Dawn of the Dead, Slow Burn, "ER"
The Moment: Watching Soul Food and thinking he is quite the handsome man. Later, catching him in Shaft and 8 Mile, and thinking he's still quite handsome despite his less-than-stellar roles. Even during Honey, his credibility went down a little for me, but not enough to write him off. On "ER," Mekhi is smarmy and cocky and stands for everything everyone kind of hates, but he's still quite handsome and charismatic doing it.
The Date: Since Mekhi was originally a rapper before turning to acting, we'd naturally have a battle. Of course, Mekhi would be nice and not tell me I suck at rapping and look like a dork doing it, although I really do. We'll then have a drinking and eating contest, which I'm a lot better at, before retiring to his room to do things involving a striptease, a blindfold, chocolate-covered strawberries, and champagne - but not necessarily in that order, or at the same time.
Seth Green
Last Year's Position: #5
Who? Without A Paddle, "Family Guy," The Brazilian Job
The Moment: Watching The Italian Job and being really pleased that he was cast because, frankly, he was one of the few enjoyable things about the film (also see: Stratham, Jason). After catching him on "That 70s Show" as annoying Mitch Miller, who tries to woo Donna from under Eric's nose, I was pleased to note that even though Mitch is portrayed as a geeky bad guy, Seth is still as cute as a button.
The Date: We'll hang out at home in sweats all day, reading the paper and trading sections over breakfast. After a dip in the pool, we'll retire to the dining room to have a grand dinner with pot roast and potatoes and green beans. A tame but fun food fight will ensure (after all, what kills the mood faster than mashed potatoes in your eye?), and we'll have to get cleaned up by playing an enticing game of strip poker.
Tobey McGuire/Jake Gyllenhaal
Last Year's Position: #13 / -
Who? Spider-Man 2, The Good German; Proof, Jarhead
The Moment: Watching Tobey in The Ciderhouse Rules, and wanting to beat Charlize Theron for being so callous towards his angst-ridden soul. And then catching Pleasantville on late-night cable and realizing that it's become one of those films that I've seen a hundred times and will religiously continue to watch if it's on TV (for some reason, Legally Blonde and Bring It On fall under this category too), and wishing that Tobey would be my boyfriend. Even Seabiscuit was worthy of watching just for Tobey. And, recently, during Jarhead, I noticed how much Jake reminds me of Tobey, down to the boyish glimmer in his eyes and his on-the-cusp-of-getting-out-of-puberty voice. Plus, the once meek Jake didn't fare to shabbily in the shirtless scenes, and he has a cool sister I'd love to hang out with.
The Date: We'll canoodle in a hot tub and drink champagne, because that's what you naturally do in a hot tub. Then we'll jump into big, comfortable bathrobes and lounge by the fireplace, sitting on a synthetically man-made bearskin rug, drinking hot chocolate and feeding each other marshmallows shaped like hearts. We'll then finish off with a sweet, marshmallow-y kiss�and grope.
Kevin James
Last Year's Position: #11
Who? "The King of Queens," Hitch
The Moment: Watching Hitch and wondering if it was a good thing for James to be in it. On one hand, it's a Will Smith vehicle. On the other hand, it's a Will Smith vehicle. Also realizing, during Hitch, that I miss watching "The King of Queens," and what the heck is he doing kissing Amber Valetta when he should be kissing me.
The Date: We'd grab dinner at a Moroccan restaurant and feed each other food while trying to make the other person laugh so hard that we'd spit out our wine. Then he'd try out some new jokes for his sitcom and we'd hold hands all the way back home, reminiscing about the awesome jokes we had during dinner. After settling into bed for the night, we'll talk about our days and what awesome things we plan to do tomorrow. Then I'd do him.