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Self-Help Books:
The real deal, or just really handy fly swatters?
Exhibit #3
Stop Getting Dumped! All You Need to Know to Make Men Fall Madly in Love with You and Marry "The One" in 3 Years or Less, Lisa Dailey (2002)Daily cuts to the chase: "You may wonder why I feel qualified to offer dating advice. After all, just who am I anyway? A shrink? A psychic? Your mother? None of the above. The fact is, I'm just a normal person like you...I was just lucky enough to have learned a few really important secrets about men and dating pretty early on." At least she's being honest, but if this is the criterion for writing a book about relationships, then I suppose my neighbour, hairdresser, and high school science teacher (hi Ms. Farrar!) might be coming out with books by early fall. See, she's adopting a friendly voice so that we'll trust her. But I'm not convinced.
She goes on to explain where she got this wonderful knowledge (family, friends, etc.) before begging us not to hate men. For some strange reason, the words from the second page of the book are cut out and pasted against a gray background, as if someone was writing a really friendly ransom note. I suspect the disgruntled Amazon employee again.
Do these methods really work? she asks herself before we have a chance to close the book and write it off. "Absolutely. A few years ago, I met a guy named Tom in a bar...he was a catch, and I used about every secret in this book to snare him." I bet Tom is really happy that he got snared. Isn't that ever so romantic and not at all depersonalizing? And then she writes, "Yes, I've been dumped…I can say this with all honesty, it only happened on the rare (brain-dead) occasions I strayed from the Stop Getting Dumped! methods." There is no concrete evidence here to correlate her failed relationships to this book. This is pure fallacy, but the method works because she gets to insult us for not following her ideals and fear a life of spinsterhood all at once. Maybe it was a third, extraneous factor that led to the demise of her relationship, like the fact that she sucks.
She makes a good point here: "Feminism is the power to do whatever you want with your life. For some women, that means being a Wall Street tycoon, or a racecar driver. For others, it's the June Cleaver option, the house with the white picket fence." I can't knock women who do want the latter, but I still don't believe that reading a book like this will help anyone achieve any goal. It's hard to believe that anything can be achieved when women have to constantly relate their self-worth by the attention of a man, as this book implies. There's more about this book being about "strategizing" rather than "playing games," but the argument is weak, and I suspect Dailey is lying anyway.
(Note: I didn't set out to explicitly use these books as case studies. Amazon has a handy related search function that lets me click away with unabashed glee. Try it with He's Just Not That Into You and see what pops up. Also: I really like how they've included tabs to add these items to a Wish List, as well as a Wedding Registry. Because nothing says I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you than a bookshelf's worth of relationship fixer-uppers.)
Exhibit #4
Be Honest, You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve, Ian Kerner (2005)Kerner had me at, "You are sensual, confident, open-minded, and prepared to go after what you want. And these instincts are not at odds with finding a man who will adore you." There's nothing better than having my ego stroked, even if this broad description very well applies to every other woman who has read this sentence.
Kerner keeps the mood light with, "In the best-case scenario, you may behaving all this sex with a guy you really like and who likes you. If so, I hope you're screwing like it's prom night and falling madly in love!" I can't resist a good sex joke. Of course, he follows this up with the alternative: not everyone can have mad monkey love, and this book will hopefully show us the way to the elusive Yellow Brick Road. This makes sense, considering that no one would have time to browse a bookstore if they were engaged in prom-night sex around the clock.
Be Honest isn't a straightforward relationship, land-a-man tome; Kerner is a sex therapist who encourages women to accept their sexuality while being emotionally responsible. In the first couple of pages, he gleams through the sexual revolution, culminating in everyone's favourite dénouement: ""Sex & The City," which exemplified a new form of empowerment: a woman's ability to have sex like a man: pleasure for the sake of pleasure." While I don't condone the successive colons, I have to admit that Kerner has the best intentions. Unfortunately, things fall flat when an Amazon review tells me that Kerner will soon be saying, "If women were really disposed to have sex like men, they'd be greater consumers of porn and prostitution." I'm not sure where he is going with this, but I'm certainly not following.
Exhibit #5
Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship, Sherry Argov (2002)Boy, am I confused. Ian Kerner tells me that I should embrace my sexuality and not be ashamed of having needs, while Argov tells me that I should see how many goats I can get for my virginity. With so many contrary views on what we should be doing, it's no wonder that women sometimes become too preoccupied with the ideals of a contradictory society. The book starts off outlining the "Attraction Principles" we have all come to know and love, like the wise "anything a person chases in life runs away." For some reason, this makes me want to write depressing poetry and mourn my dead cat.
"He runs because the woman's behaviour doesn't suggest that she places a high value on herself," Argov explains, referring to the reason why men dump women who give it up too soon. "The relationship is new, and the bond between them is relatively shallow. Yet she's already dealt him her best card...What gets lost is his appreciation for her extra effort." I'm glad to see that Argov recognizes the pains that women go through when they decide to have sex. Because sex isn't natural, fun, or pleasurable for women, but requires "effort" that, when expended, needs to be applauded. And let's not talk about the "best card" reference, which sickens me to a point beyond words.
The book only gets more tedious the more I read. There's the obligatory disclaimer. "This isn't about how to play a game or how to manipulate someone," she lies to the choir who's already heard this a million times. Mmm-hmm. "This is about whether you are genuinely needy, or whether you can genuinely show him that you'll be an equal partner in the relationship." Granted, being needy in a relationship isn't healthy, but I'll bet anything that a good sit-down with a therapist is a more worthwhile endeavor than reading Why Men Love Bitches. There is no point in this affirmative psychobabble. Without understanding why the neediness exists, the problems will only persist. And trying to mask it with this ill-advised book will only come back to bite you in the ass later.
There's more blather about men being mentally challenged by women who are not necessarily bright, but who exhibit some sort of control over the relationship. You see, men don't care about things like brains and compassion and kindness; they prefer the booty and the mind games and beer. Doormats get nothing and become objects, but bitches get what they want, and when they want it. (By the way, "bitch" in this book refers to a woman who is assertive and expects to be an equal in the relationship.) Among the gems in Argov's advice to gain control in the relationship: every time he engages in an activity or hobby that he enjoys but you don't, make a bitch face, complain and whine, and give him a verbal beat down. That will put him in his place.
So ladies, remember that a bitch is something good, and it's something you want to be. Because being the bitch/dreamgirl is what we're put on this Earth for, and no man will ever respect us until we become Janice Dickinson.
He's Just Not That Into You, and its predecessors, are not bad books as a whole. There is some intention to give worthwhile advice, but by turning relationships into some weird power play, the authors quickly mar whatever good intention was there. And frankly, these people who are writing these books are rarely qualified to teach a cooking class, let alone impart relationship advice. There's nothing wrong with a healthy curiosity of what others think about relationships, but there is something amiss when one places strong conceptions, going in, that a book can really tell you all you need to know about life. There's nothing that can prepare you for life except experience. And experience doesn't come in a $39.99 hardcover book from Chapters. ¤ C.Ho.
[ So what's the deal with relationship self-help books? Part I of the article. ]