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Behind the Myth:
The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right...
Rules to Live By: A Glance at the Idiocy
ROLL YOUR EYES
MORE SCARINESS
So what are these elusive Rules that people keep talking about? The following is a small but offensive list of what you can expect to find in this book. But don't take my word for it - our panel of guys weigh in to let us know if these schemes really work.Rule #3: Don't Stare at Men or Talk too Much
The Hypothesis: Looking at someone is a dead give-away that you're interested, so let him look at you. To let a man know you're receptive, you should smile at the room and look relaxed and approachable. On the first date, avoid staring romantically, or he'll know you're already planning the honeymoon. Don't be too heavy, and don't be too funny. See how he's handling the conversation and go with his flow. Don't feel the need to fill in silences or you'll end up saying something stupid and forced. By being quiet and reserved, he'll think you're interesting and mysterious, as opposed to annoying and scary. Men fall in love with your essence, not with anything particular that you say.
The Lowdown: What, you can't have him at "hello"? Or is it only reserved for men to initiate and control conversation? Yes, chatty women (or men for that matter) can be annoying, but there's nothing wrong with talking. If you follow this Rule, he's sure to think you're comatose. How often have we seen the girlfriends sit by their men and let them do all the talking? It's not good to be too chatty, but by-golly, don't be mute either. And what's with the "smiling at the room" nonsense? Usually when I see someone smiling at nothing in particular I'm inclined to think they're crazy. If you can't make eye contact, how do you know he's looking at you? I don't know about other women, but my peripheral vision can only go so far. Go ahead, look him in the eye and show off your confident self.
His Take: (Richard, 28) I'm sorry but this is PURE BULLSHIT!!! This is little kiddie games you're talking about. If you're interested in the guy, WHY can't YOU go talk to him?!? I truly believe the chances of a girl getting rejected by a guy are a lot less than vice versa. And even if he does turn her down he'll probably be nicer about than most girls would be when they do the rejecting. As for this conversation rule, this is also B.S. If you have something to say, SAY IT. Be yourself, if he likes you he'll like YOU and not some demure girl that you're pretending to be. Geez, what a load of garbage!Rule #7: Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date on a Wednesday
The Hypothesis: A last minute date signals lack of attentiveness. The call could come out of boredom or the fact that the woman he really wants to be seeing is busy. He must pin you at least five days in advance. Ideally, he should be asking you out at the end of your date or call you as early as Monday or Tuesday for Saturday night. If you are always on his mind, he won't wait to call you. The best way to encourage him to call sooner is to turn him down, but don't reprimand him, just be firm but sweet. Train them without demanding. Dating is like a job, with rules and regulations. It's a secret, silent code they understand well.
The Lowdown: We've all had that "friend" that would jump through hoops to see the person they liked. While it's not good to sit by the phone waiting for his call, it's not good to "train" anyone to do anything. I've accepted last minute dates before, and also refused them. If I had no plans for a Saturday night, what's the harm in going out, especially if I didn't want to be at home? Oh, right, he won't marry me then. If it bothers someone so much to be a last-minute date, they could just come out and tell the person. The true test of someone liking you is not whether they will call you five days in advance, but if they will call you earlier if you preferred. I must've also missed the memo about the "secret, silent code," because as far as I know, men are still from Mars and women are off living on Venus. Way to take the fun and spontaneity out of dating.
His Take: (Sly, 24) I'm a very last minute kind of person so I rarely make plans more than one to two days in advance unless it's something out of the ordinary. But as far as asking someone out, it depends the kind of relationship (first date, dating, seeing). Keep in mind, though, that guys don't usually think of that kind of thing if a girl's asking them out so I don't think it's a big issue one way or another. But it could also be appealing asking a girl out at the last minute. It could lead her to break her plans depending on the interest level. If she accepts right away I might think she's desperate...but it really depends on the situation and the level of the relationship. If we're talking first date, that's when I think she might look desperate if she accepts right away. I have to say, guys love the chase, so if a girl shows the signs of interest but their schedules don't coincide they will probably pursue it. I go by the four-day rule (Wednesday is the cut off day for me). Last minute plans, however, are usually what I go for because of the spontaneity. If it's a girl I really like, I will ask if she has plans for the weekend early in the week. If we're talking a weekend date, then you should give advanced notice...if you're making weekday plans, then a last minute date is more acceptable.Rule #9: How To Act on Date 1, 2 and 3
The Hypothesis: Daydreaming before a date is dangerous, as all the unfulfilled longing and unrealistic expectations of romance and passion may not happen. Don't be serious, controlling or wifely, and don't mention the "M" word. Be sweet and smile, don't try too hard, smile lots. Let him do all the work, from picking restaurants to pulling out your chair. End the date first, especially if you like him. Two hours for a drink date, three to four hours for a dinner date. You should always be dating other people as well, so you don't get hung up on one person. Maybe you're going against your feelings, but you want to get married, don't you?
The Lowdown: The only good thing about this Rule is that Fein and Schneider advise against asking a man up to your apartment after a date if you've just met him, as safety is always important. They also say not to feel pressure, which is fair. But the contradicting suggestion of ending the date first and seeing other people as well signals to me that the games have begun. Being "too serious, controlling or wifely" should be something that no woman ever does, let alone the first three dates. The authors convey the message that the fear of being alone justifies not being yourself, while the only justifiable explanation I could come up with for not being yourself is schizophrenia. I've gone out on dates that ended up lasting well into the night - and those were fun. The dates I've gone to that lasted three or four hours were usually ones that I didn't want to be at. So if he's game, and you're game, why not extend the date and get to know each other better?
His Take: (John, 28) People should go with the flow more often. If you are having a good time, don't worry about who ends the date first. That seems far too high school for me. I don't really like the idea of dating various people at once. I think you should give all your time and attention to one person. If you get too hung up and then dumped, oh well, it's happened before and it will happen again. Walk it off.Rule #10: How to Act on Dates 4 Through Commitment Time
The Hypothesis: At this point, it's okay to show more of yourself, as long as it's kept light. Exhibit warmth, charm and heart, look into his eyes and be attentive so that he knows you are a caring human being. He must take the lead when it comes to mentioning marriage, children and the future, not you. Don't give him the third degree about past relationships. Don't overwhelm him with career triumphs - try to let him shine. Be careful that you don't tell too much. Some men like to pry secrets out of women, and women sometimes reveal more than they want, hoping this will draw the man closer to them. Act independent so that he doesn't feel that you're expecting him to take care of you. You won't have to keep things to yourself forever, just until he says "I love you." It's these first few months that will make an impression and last forever in his mind. If you find it hard to keep up this act, end the date early or see less of him.
The Lowdown: I had several problems with this chapter, in particular with certain phrasings. For example, "act independent" and "keep up this act" are a perfect example of what the book is all about - a big show without the costumes. Why not be independent instead of acting like it? Why do we have to be told to "look into his eyes and be attentive"? I think if you cared about someone enough, eye contact and listening is not too much to ask from you. He should like you for who you are, and if you get a big promotion at work go ahead and let him take you out. In a relationship, both people should shine, not just the man. As for the "prying secrets" bit, the first thing that popped into my head was the CIA, which made me giggle because I doubt the CIA would want to know at which age I lost my virginity. You should always use your own discretion about what you want people to know and not know about you. It shouldn't be gauged by his "I love you"s. Some men say "I love you" and don't mean it, and some love you but don't say it. Bottom line: act like you're not serious, even though you sit in your basement at night highlighting this ridiculous book and plotting a way to drug him so that you can drag him down the aisle.
His Take: (Justin, 21) This rule makes sense. I know that with my current girlfriend, who I'm very serious about, we tiptoe around the ideas of futures and children and all that, largely because we are in our early 20s and have lots of time ahead. I think it's a very mutual feeling we have, but we don't want ruin things and be stupid by jumping way ahead. I think that as a general rule you've got to coast with those sort of things until your relationship has matured to a point where you can tell that you are both feeling that way. If you cant' tell, then the relationship isn't at a point where futures together should be discussed.
[ Don't open up too fast and definitely don't act like a slut. Because no one likes a woman who takes charge in the bedroom. Part III of the article. ]