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Behind the Myth:
The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right...
Rule #14: No More Than Casual Kissing on the First Date/Rule #15: Don't Rush Into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
Fein and Scheider, feminists and role models.
The Hypothesis: Men want as much as they can on the first date, and your job is to slow them down. Keeping it to a kiss will force him not to think of you as a physical object. If you're getting too excited, end the date quickly. If he doesn't like it he can get lost. Keep telling yourself that other women have spoiled men by sleeping with them on the first date, and men might be angry that they've been denied this pleasure. Keep conversations cordial, not steamy. Making him wait will only increase his desires and create more passion. Why risk having him call you easy? Don't sleep with anyone on the first and second dates, even if you like sex. Stay emotionally cool and don't bring up marriage, children or the future in bed (or out of it). If you've been dating a man for a month or two and don't plan on sleeping with him you should tell him, otherwise you are being a tease. If you don't want to feel insecure, don't initiate sex. The Rules are a selfless way of loving and handling a relationship.
The Lowdown: Hmm, other women are "spoiling" men by sleeping with them on the first date, so we should punish these men by not sleeping with them. We should also feel flattered that men get "angry" if we don't give them sex right away, as "anger indicates interest." Sure, stalker interest, wife-abusing interest maybe. Interesting choice of words…I would have opted for "disappointed," not "angry," but the authors are all about woman power here. I would certainly not like being called a "tease" or "easy," for fear that I might be stoned by the authors. When it comes to sex, it's not about what some women tell you in a self-help book or how many people your best friend has slept with, but what you are comfortable doing. If you're fine with sex on the first date, then have sex on the first date. But if you're not ready and he's pressuring you, he's not worth it.
His Take: (John, 28) I think once you hit a certain age sex becomes such a non-issue. As long as a woman is not having sex just to keep a guy interested, I don't see any problems. By the way, please forward me the email addresses of any women who enjoy sex on the first date.Rule #19: Don't Open Up Too Fast
The Hypothesis: He should always feel that he's in love with the girl of his dreams, not someone damaged. Don't burden him with the gory details too soon. Unless he loves you, it's none of his business anyway. No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you. If and when things get serious, you can casually tell him about your difficult childhood and some of your fears. Even then, tell him in an easy, simple way. Don't be dramatic, go into long details, or be burdensome. The less tragic you are with your life circumstances, the more sympathy you will probably get. Buy the time you are engaged, he should know all that really matters about you and your family and past. By doing the Rules, you will automatically attract a loving husband who will be around so much that you won't have time to think about your abandonment issues!
The Lowdown: Boy, will he be surprised when you get married and you're not the princess he thought you were. It's okay to lie at the beginning or hide the truth, because all that matters is that he likes you for who he thinks you are. Once you are ready to open up, the most important thing is not how you feel, but that you don't inconvenience him in any way. I don't agree with their theory that being less dramatic equals more sympathy, as if it comes across as lighthearted he will never know the extent of how much something has affected you. Basically, the authors are encouraging women to hide their imperfections in order to land a husband. Girls, I'll say it time and time again - he should love you despite your imperfections.
His Take: (Chris, 23) If you're going to make a commitment to someone, it should be with who that person truly is, not some image or ideal of them. Anyway, how can you love someone if you don't know who they are? As things come up naturally in a conversation, I don't think you should ever "edit" yourself. If anything, I would find it refreshing because so few women are open. I actually expect for a woman to be open with me in a relationship. If a woman went around acting like a "victim" all the time, though, I would think everyone would roll their eyes. Guys prefer a woman with confidence, and like a woman who has come to grips with her problem/past because she's easier to relate to. It's uncomfortable for people to be around the "victim" type. Life sucks for everybody. It's how you deal with it. It takes a lot of work to be open with people, but relationships are more rewarding when they're open relationships. I think men and women should strive to be completely honest with each other. I don't want people in my life that can't be open and honest. This rule is false advertising, passing yourself off as his ideal woman, which means it's just downhill from there. Unless you show the cons with the pros, there's no room for unconditional love.Rule #32: Don't Break the Rules/Rule #33: Do The Rules and You'll Live Happily Ever After
The Hypothesis: The Rules is not a hobby, but a religion. If you've broken the Rules to the point where he's convinced he's out of love with you, don't stick around hoping for a second chance. Your part is to move on. When you break the Rules, you automatically take away the pleasure men have from pursuing you, and they end up resenting you. You will want to break the Rules after dating for a couple of months, but it will destroy any chance of his proposing! Get busy, don't smother the person you're dating. He can call you five times a day, but you can't or he'll call you crazy. If you break the Rules, at least muster up the courage to end the relationship when he says he is not in love with you anymore. If you do the Rules, he will: want to marry you, send roses after sex, give you little presents, be ready to make up after a fight, listen when you talk, and want to be with you when you have a cold or become ill. He won't: divorce you (a Rules marriage is forever), physically abuse you, or cheat.
The Lowdown: Fein and Schneider cover their bases well - by blaming a failed relationship on breaking the Rules, they convince women that the Rules work (meanwhile, it could have had to do with something else altogether, i.e. he found out you owned a book called The Rules). On the other hand, they also say that the Rules take patience, and if a man doesn't show interest or doesn't call (despite doing the Rules) then he's not worth it anyway, and the best thing to do is move on. I also really love the double standard of numerous phone calls in a day. If a man does it, it's romantic. If a woman does it, she's crazy. I've been in situations where I've received frequent phone calls from the same man in the span of one day, and all I can say is, it doesn't please me in the bit. Conversely, I've never received roses after sex, although that might freak me out somewhat. Am I being rewarded for the sex? Is he saying that he was pleased with my performance? Do I have to send him a thank you note in return?Ironically enough, even though a Rules marriage guarantees no divorce, Schneider divorced her husband of sixteen years shortly after their book, The Rules for Marriage, hit bookstores. Schneider cited her newfound fame as a primary factor in the divorce, specifically that she became overwrought with her career and it took its toll on her marriage - but we all know that he probably woke up one day and realized he had married a foolish, manipulative woman. The more surprising thing is that women out there have bought this book and actually believe it can work for them. Take it from Schneider, a Rules marriage equals unhappiness and divorce.
There are support groups all over the world, in which the members refer to themselves as "Rules Girls." These women are devout followers of the book and all its hidden potential, and assert that The Rules worked for them. But there are others, like me, who believe this is all propaganda. One woman posted on a forum that a friend, a bit on the wild side, changed her ways according to The Rules. She met a man and married him, and the union lasted one year before they separated. It basically came down to the fact that her true colours started seeping through, and he was unprepared for the drastic change. How long can the façade last? Are women prepared to fake happiness just for a chance to be married?
It is my belief that women have not "spoiled" men by sleeping with them on the first date. It is the other women, those who practice the Rules, that have spoiled men into thinking that a doormat for a girlfriend is fine. Playing games was all right in high school, but after a while there doesn't seem to be a point to it anymore. Fein and Schneider will have us think that by employing old-fashioned gimmicks, we can have the man of our dreams at our side to take all our problems away. But, like the way they urge us to act, it is all an illusion. I'd rather be happy and single than miserable and in a relationship. Life's too short to be unhappy. ¤ C.Ho.
[ Why I hate The Rules. Part I of the article. ]