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Happygrrls' How-To:
Become a star...
Have you ever dreamt about fame and fortune? Have you ever wondered why certain people can achieve it almost overnight? Have you ever thought, "Hey, that could be me!"
Look, if he can do it, and have his picture taken, and subsequently be featured on a website, so can you.
Wonder no more. With this handy guide, you too can become one of the rich and famous. Or, at least, appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."
- Find Something You Can Do.
The first step is harder than it sounds. Find a discernible talent, and stick to it. This is not the time to try out different things; you can do that when you've achieved fame and fortune and people are more willing to accept that you're an "artiste" with many layers. But for now, choose an industry that seems the most feasible for you. If you can hold a tune, be a singer. If you are a major drama queen, go into acting. And if you can survive a lettuce and celery diet for the rest of your life, and you're over 5'9", then you're all set for modeling. (Note: in order to become a model, you should also be able to walk long stretches of catwalk without tripping or falling off.)If you've been racking your brain to no avail, it's time to hit the reality show circuit. The best way to get on one of these shows is to have what industry people call a "personality," which basically means you have to fit into a well-played out stereotype of some sort. Are you a hot bitch/macho jerk? Are you a naïve country girl? Are you a hardened cynical city guy? Are you seemingly normal but really crazy? Good. You're now guaranteed a spot somewhere.
- Get Your Name Out.
Now that you've chosen your calling in life, it's time to let everybody know this. The important thing to remember is that disappointment is just a formality in this process. And the talent doesn't have to be gigantic - just look at Keanu Reeves or Britney Spears. Prepare a demo, try out for some local plays, make a totally self-indulgent website full of Glamour Shots. Plan ahead: your domain name will come in handy when you're famous. After all, you wouldn't want some weirdo in Arkansas to buy out your name and then try to sell it back to you for $50,000.Whatever you do, do not participate in any sordid or lurid low-production erotic film. I repeat, do not do porn, even if you're only holding the whip.
- Move.
If you live in a small town, something like say Nappanee, Ontario, it's time to migrate to the big city. But remember to rub it in that you're just a small town kinda gal. Similarly, if you're in from an underdeveloped part of a big city, something like say the wrong side of the tracks in Detroit, then you're more than welcome to write songs about it and eventually make a fictionalized movie of how that wrong side of the tracks almost made you lose your dream. If you already live in an affluent area of a big city, don't tell anyone.
- Get a Publicist/Agent/Manager.
The more ruthless, the better. They'll get you gigs, auditions, and tell you where to hang out to be seen. This is especially helpful if you've just finished a reality show of some kind and need to stretch out your fifteen minutes of fame. If you're an "American Idol" alumni, try to get on the show (in the audience, as a guest singer, as a key grip) for as long as Simon Cowell will allow. But do not sign on to do any movies that come from that franchise, unless the script was written by someone better than the first film, like a team of monkeys or your old high school gym teacher.
- Do a Project With Kevin Bacon or Charlize Theron.
You know, just so you can be in the Six Degrees game.
- Hook Up at a Party.
This will cement your status as an emerging celebrity. The more famous the celebrity, the more tabloid fodder you can get. So that means if Limp Bizkit wants to hook up (and let's face it, he will), it's safer to keep that can of worms closed. Make sure to keep things discreet, and then anonymously mail a picture of yourself totally making out with the person to US Weekly. And then deny, deny, deny.
- Get a Posse/Entourage and/or Start a Feud.
Who you surround yourself with will add to your mystique and admiration or possibly get you branded as hack. Do try to hang out with people who seem a little bit off, like Peewee Herman or Elizabeth Taylor, along with a mix of other colleagues who are normal. Whatever you do, try to get on P. Diddy's good side.Feuds are also interesting, and the more words that are said, the better. The best way to start some sort of feud with anyone is to talk smack about them in an interview that has nothing to do with them. Just bring up the fact that so-and-so is a hack and stupid and smells, and voilà, the press will magically turn this into some sort of gang fight. Try to pick on someone that doesn't have too much power in your industry, it's a surefire way to get yourself blacklisted. For instance, if you're a singer, don't backtalk Bob Dylan (and be sure to know who he is), but Ashlee Simpson is fair game.
- Wear Something Ugly and Scandalous and/or Go Into Rehab.
Again, this will stretch your fifteen minutes for another five. Try to match Jennifer Lopes' infamous green frock, or Christina Aguilera's Rasta-girl-whore ensemble, and wear it to a premiere or awards show if you can. For those who have chosen the rehab route, a word of advice: don't go in for an affliction like addiction to pills or alcoholism. That was so 2001.
- Date a Backstreet Boy.
Just kidding, don't do that…unless you want to live through the shame that you actually dated a Backstreet Boy.
- Try Out a New Business Venture.
See, now's the time to branch out into acting, or singing, or designing clothes, or opening restaurants, or signing lucrative deals to endorse products. Some people have been very successful in their endeavors, others have been mocked and ridiculed. The most important thing to remember is to be very low-key about it. Don't headline a major Hollywood movie if you're a singer - go for the smaller parts first. Similarly, if you're an actor, do a couple of songs for a film's soundtrack or hook up with Baz Luhrmann before releasing a solo double CD. If you're part of a band and want to do your own thing for a while, make sure you enlist in the help of the Neptunes or date Jay-Z.If you're a clotheshorse, you can go the Olson twin way and do low-end tweens wear for K-Mart, or the Gwen Stefani way and hook up with haute couture designers and charge $2,000 for a hat. If you've just signed a deal with a company to do a series of commercials and print ads, don't do anything sordid until after your contract ends. But either way, you now have the clout to not be laughed at. Well, that is, if you play your cards well.
- Get Spontaneously Married and/or Endorse a New Religion.
Celebrity weddings are the new big thing on the reality circuit, and yours can be too. Unless you're drunk in Las Vegas and about to marry your high school chum; then it's just a matter of getting it annulled before pre-nups are questioned. Try to keep your relationship a big secret before the wedding announcement. That way, you'll seem wildly spontaneous and a little bit crazy. And then go on "Entertainment Tonight" and defensively talk about your love.Kabbalah is the new religion du jour, but it doesn't have to be. There are hundreds of religions that the world practices, so it's just a matter of finding one that you believe in and no one else knows about. The next step is to try to convert all your famous friends to this religion, and perhaps spend some money building schools or religious places of worship.
- Do a Reality Show/MTV Show/E! "True Hollywood Story."
Jessica Simpson was no more famous than Christina Milian before she did her "Newlyweds" thing on MTV. And now that you're on your way, it's time to let the world know every tidbit of your life. If you're seriously crazy or lead a very boring life, then do a smaller project, like "MTV Cribs," or try to get Ashton Kutcher to Punk'd you. And then, of course, the natural progression would be an E! "True Hollywood Story." There's no better way to end your wild and turbulent celebrity life. ¤ C.Ho.