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Happygrrls' How-To:

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Keep your computer virus-free...


The other day, Michelle told me that an attachment I had sent her contained a virus.

My world came crashing down.

I knew it was inevitable. I had already abused my computer to the max. But a virus? Suddenly I felt like a computer outcast. I cried and cried for days. I holed myself up in my room, ashamed to tell my friends the awful truth about my computer. I was afraid that they would never accept an e-mail from me again (and for the most part, I was right - Michelle is being very selective with my e-mails nowadays). I thought about all the good times I've shared with my computer, like all those five AM due-later-that-day essays, listening to pirated songs (and feeling very criminal for doing so), and downloading porn - er, using those fun Office programs. But before I took a sledgehammer to my computer, my brother suggested we download a virus-protection program (we had one, but I think somewhere between my abuse and some more of my abuse it was accidentally erased).

Norton Antivirus saved my life. Okay, it didn't really, but it saved my computer. The nifty little program extracted the pesky viruses (yes, shamefully we had more than one) and quarantined them. My computer was cured! I was once again happy. For all of you wondering, I had the Backdoor.Autoupder and Download.Trojan viruses. Apparently, they're very common.

Don't let this happen to your computer!
Here are some basic tips to keep your computer healthy and running.

WORTHY SITES Norton Antivirus The best of the anti-virus software bunch. McAfee Scan your e-mail attachments. I Hate SPAM Here are some basic tips on how to avoid SPAM scams. Hoax Viruses What's real, what's an urban legend.

1. Make sure you have an anti-virus program like Norton Antivirus or McAfee, which is most commonly used for scanning e-mails. Get the fully registered version (okay, we cheated and got the 30-Day Trial Version - but only because this was an emergency) and update it every month. This is crucial as new viruses are added every day. Also be sure that you have an anti-virus program that works with your operating system.

2. Be wary of attachments in e-mails. Viruses are program files that are executed when you open them. Does the message reference the attached file? Is it from a friend? Were you expecting the e-mail? Look at the file extension (the last three letters of a file). If it ends in .exe, .bat, .pif, .vbs, .scr. or .com then it's better if you don't open it. Also, two file extensions, like document.doc.pif signifies that a document was converted into a virus.

3. Read warning and articles about viruses. If someone writes an article about it, then you know it's pretty common and easily spreadable. But also keep an eye out for hoax viruses. These are not actual viruses but urban legends.

4. If you think you've received a virus, delete the e-mail and make sure you empty your DELETE folder too.

5. If you've activated a virus, don't panic. Hopefully your anti-virus program will catch it and quarantine it. Erase it permanently from your computer. If the program hasn't caught the virus, then panic. Just kidding. The virus will probably start trying to execute its function, whether it's e-mailing itself to others or deleting computer files. Determine which virus you have, warn others if it is a worm (e-mails itself), download a repair program (you'd be surprised at how many specific repair programs there are out there) or take your computer to a program expert.

6. If you're downloading files from the Internet, verify that there's an anti-virus program that checks the files on the downloading site. If not, download the file to a disk and scan with your own anti-virus program.

7. Back up, back up, back up!

Here is some common terminology you might encounter:
encrypting: contains a decryption algorithm and continues with a scrambled/encrypted code for the rest of the virus; each time it infects it encodes itself differently to avoid detection

memory resident: stays in your computer's memory after it executes and affects other files (non-memory residents are active only while the infected application runs)

polymorphic: creates varied copies of itself as a way to avoid detection; the same virus can look different on different systems or even different files; also known as a mutating virus

stealth: conceals its presence from anti-virus software by feeding an anti-virus program a "clean" image of the requested item or hides the actual size of an infected file; virus must be running to exhibit stealth qualities

triggered event: action built into a virus that sets off the virus when a specific condition is met

trojan horse program: malicious, non-replicating program (not virus) that pretends to be an application and does something the user doesn't expect; just as destructive as a virus

So protect yourself and your computer. You'll get a longer shelf life out of your computer, and it'll love you even more. ¤ C.Ho.