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Happygrrls' How-To:

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Flirt like a pro...

FURTHER FLIRTING TIPS It’s All in The Eyes: When people see something they like, their pupil size grows. The Flirting Triangle: When we watch people speak, we tend to look from eye to eye and then across the bridge of their nose. In a flirtatious situation, the triangle becomes bigger to include the mouth. Approachability: In a crowded situation, stand slightly apart from the crowd to look approachable. Name Calling: When first meeting someone, address him by name often. This will resonate with him and make it clear that you are interested. Hard To Get: Studies have shown that playing hard to get rarely works in increasing allure. A person becomes more attractive only if s/he seems unattainable to everyone but you. Know When to Fold’em: If the object of your desires doesn’t seem interested, don’t follow them around or pester them – as they say, there are more fish in the sea. Also, flirt with no expectations of rewards, or you won’t be able to have fun with it.

“Postural congruence” is another handy tool to convey interest. Echoing the movements of the other person is a subconscious way of showing that you are on the same page. This is not to say that you should mimic their every move, lest you start giving off creepy vibes – if you really like the person, these sorts of movements should come naturally. People are more prone to remember the exchange positively where there is a high level of postural congruence.

Smiling is also a great, non-verbal flirting tactic. But how can you tell if the other person is being genuine, or smiling out of politeness? There are four common signs to watch for when you want to weed out the real from the fake:

1. Spontaneous smiles produce eye wrinkles.
2. Forced smiles tend to be asymmetrical.
3. Spontaneous smiles appear naturally, so if the person is quick to smile at a joke even as you’re finishing the punch line, it’s probably forced.
4. Forced smiles tend to be held longer and fade unnaturally. Just watch any sitcom for examples of this.

Perhaps the non-verbal cues are flowing and there is something magical in the air. You might want seize n this moment to try some flirtatious touching. This doesn’t mean spontaneous hand grabbing or his head shoved into your chest. Like with all flirtatious things, understated and seductive is the way to go. Start with an innocuous arm pat that slightly lingers, and in appropriate situations like when needing to emphasize a point or to convey a sense of camaraderie. If the other person shows signs of being uncomfortable, like pulling away or making a face, stop immediately. But if he’s game, he’ll likely do the same next time around. You may then up the ante by gently touching his hand or “accidentally” reaching for the salt as he’s going for it.

Proximal movements, which are movements towards one’s own body, are usually signs of anxiousness and nervousness. Distal movements, which are movements away from the body, are usually signs of confidence. If the flirting progresses, try fiddling with a saltshaker by his arm or reaching over for a napkin. If the timing’s right, the other person will also start using distal movements to show a level of comfort with you. Couple this with postural congruence, like sipping your wine glass at the same time, to seal the deal.

Non-Verbal Flirting Signals

HIS FLIRTING SIGNALS He lets you see him checking out your body. He spreads his legs while sitting across from you. He plays with his clothing. He touches his face while looking at you. He plays with his glass in a totally sexual way.

HER FLIRTING SIGNALS She looks at your mouth. She lightly strokes her outer thigh. She seductively massages her neck. She stands with her legs apart, with the weight on one foot and hips tilted. She starts invading your space with peripheral objects. She flashes short, repetitive glances your way.

Vocal Flirting
Now that you’ve made contact and are in close proximity, the conversation has to start at some point (unless, of course, you are content with smiling at each other all night long). A good conversation starts with the basics in speech flirtation. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• When the other person is speaking, show that you’re interested in the conversation – and by association, the person himself – by nodding in agreement, and injecting a few intermittent “hmm”s and “ahh”s to encourage discussion.
• Keep nods brief and precise to regulate the flow of conversation.
• Don’t speak in monotone. If your voice is boring even you, chances are that it won’t keep his interest for much longer.
• Don’t get overexcited. Loud, booming voices or overbearing, high-pitched squeals are a turn-off.
• If the other person seems uninterested in the conversation but lights up whenever the waiter stops by the table, then it’s probably a sign that the conversation isn’t very engaging.

The best opening lines are those that prompt conversation, and don’t necessarily have to be witty one-liners or something akin to a David Letterman monologue. Pick up lines rarely invite a chance for a response (how can you really respond to something like, “Are you lost? Because heaven is a long way from here”? Besides sighing and rolling your eyes, of course). In fact, a good opening line starts with a question of some sort, like the weather. It’s a mundane topic, but it can be used to initiate and expand a conversation. Here are some other things to remember when aiming for a scintillating conversation:

• Start off with unobtrusive and impersonal questions.
• Try using interrogative questions like, “Lovely weather we’re having, no?” instead of “What do you think of the weather?” The first question invites a limited response that the other person can take you up on, or answer and move on politely. Either way, you can gauge how a person feels by the level of response to an interrogative question.
• If the other person uses a lot of personalized answers that include “I” or “me,” the conversation is going well.
• Speak as much as the other person. Good conversation is reciprocal.
• Paraphrase what the other person has said (“So you were stranded on an island following a suspicious plane crash and then you found a hatch?”), and ask lots of questions to show that you are listening and interested. If you’re at a loss for a follow up question, just remember the five “w”s: who, what, where, when, and why.
• Flattery will get you everywhere. Use compliments like, “You look great,” or “I really like your shirt” to get things on the right foot. But remember to use compliments at an appropriate time, and don’t overdo it.
• Avoid these conversation killers at all costs:
  • Being overly negative will bring anyone down. Try to keep things light and have a sense of humour about things.
  • Being self-absorbed will bore anyone and everyone. Keep a mental checklist; if the other person knows what you’ve been doing since the age of sixteen and you only know that he does something with computers, it’s time to let him talk.
  • Superficial conversations can rarely progress to an intimate level. If your current conversation has little substance, move on to another topic.
  • Don’t get so overly excited that you become sidetracked or start engaging in meaningless chatter. This erratic behaviour will do little to advance the conversation.
• As the conversation warms up, try asking unusual questions (the key word is “unusual,” not “weird” or “creepy”). The other person will be tickled pink by answering a question they haven’t answered a million times.
• Use reciprocal disclosure. You don’t have to divulge every intimate detail of your life, but aim to share information that says something about you.
• Talk about hobbies and interests to see if there’s any common ground.
• Humour is an instant aphrodisiac. A good sense of humour shows the other person that you are likeable, witty, and amusing. Only use risqué humour and double entendres when you sense the other person is exhibiting signs of flirtatious behaviour. Too much, too soon might make the other person uncomfortable.

Eventually, the conversation will have to come to a close. This is when you have to finalize the deal, swallow your pride, and risk rejection. There are two avenues you can take: trade numbers and see where the dice may roll; alternatively, you can make a clear request for another meeting (“Want to get together for a coffee sometime?” or “I know this great Indian restaurant. Maybe you’ll join me?”), and hope for a positive response.

Flirting isn’t always straightforward, simple, or easy. But with a little practice, confidence, and ingenuity, you can stand apart from the crowd. C.Ho.

[ The science of flirting, eye communication, standing room tips. Part I of the article. ]