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Dating Diary:
Flings versus relationships: the showdown...
Dear Diary,
WHERE WERE WE?
A big shout-out goes to Lisa, who told me to keep the hope alive. If only it were that easy…Top five things I miss about being in a relationship:
Top five things I don't miss about being in a relationship:
- Your friends don't feel obligated to care about how your day went.
- No late-night phone calls that leave you with goose bumps.
- Lack of romantic walks, romantic dinners, romantic anything.
- No lazy weekend cuddling.
- Sex.
As the summer draws to a close, I can't help but reminisce about the non-action that I received. But it did give me plenty of time to think about what I wanted versus what I needed. Most of the time, the two are contradictory. And as I can attest, when you jump in not knowing what you want, you end up with more than a few battle scars. Does it get easier? Each time it happens, your armor grows thicker, but not your heart. When I ended my relationship nine long months ago, I thought I would be fine. No more guilt trips for wanting to go out with my friends. No more arguments for the sake of arguing. No more having to put up with lies. But in reality, I was damaged. Not because of what he did, but because I allowed him to do it to me.
- You don't feel obligated to care about anyone's day.
- No late-night phone calls that leave you exhausted the next day.
- Not doing anything that you don't want to do.
- No bickering or drama queen moments.
- No lack of freedom.
I healed quickly on the outside, but on the inside I was a mess. The story doesn't end with me hating men and turning into a lesbian. The story is only beginning. I've been accused more than once of being boy-crazy (and of having my mind in the gutter too often to be normal), and I admit that I am. Although I had a bad relationship, I still love me some men. As I've noticed, I crush very easily, which gets me into trouble sometimes. I love flirting (even though I haven't had much of that lately) and if I like someone, I'm not afraid to let him know. So why is my love life starting to resemble a ghost town?
Maybe it's because of the wants versus needs. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I'm not so sure. I wanted a casual relationship - no strings attached with all the benefits and none of the drawbacks. A close friend warned me that I wouldn't be able to do it, and bless her soul, she's probably right. Could I fall into that sort of thing without falling for the person? (See paragraph above about crushing easily.) A friend with benefits - is it a myth or is it possible?
I did have opportunities for such a thing, but found myself picking the poor men apart until my friend pointed out that all I wanted were the perks, not the boyfriend (hey Yen!). When that sunk in, I ran scared and hid in a bathroom. Later, I emerged from the bathroom and gave it some more thought. I didn't want a relationship, but yet I had so much criteria for a fling. So what I thought I wanted wasn't necessarily what I needed. Flings are supposed to be fun and carefree. For me, a fling was turning into a relationship right before my eyes. (Not saying that relationships aren't fun or carefree, but they are serious at the same time.) I gave the opportunities up, although I didn't give up my vow to find a casual relationship.
When you have such a conflict of interests, something's got to give. My summer round up includes meeting someone I really liked and not having a fling (and subsequently regretting it very much, but our timing was just horrible, and with him I'm not so sure I would be happy with just a fling), meeting a potential fling and finding out we had nothing in common, and almost having a fling with someone who turned out to be seeing someone else at the time (eh, I'm not down with that sort of thing). The latter is somewhat more complicated because we've known each other for a while - and those times weren't always the most jovial - but I'll just chalk it up to bad timing as well. My quest for a fling turned out to be disastrous. Maybe I subconsciously held off because I didn't want a fling, I wanted a relationship. But could I handle another relationship right now? Everything else in my life is starting to fall into place. I just figured that a relationship was not something I wanted at this moment.
So: friends with benefits. While there are benefits, are the consequences worthwhile? I remember having a friend in high school who was sleeping with another friend of mine (and when I say "friend," I really mean friend, not me). A couple of weeks into the fling, she confessed that she had feelings for him. While he cared for her, he wasn't looking for a relationship. It ended abruptly, and she was left with a few tears on her pillow. Being the shoulder she cried on, I made a mental note never to get myself into that sort of situation. And now, here I am, looking for that sort of situation. Telling yourself you can do it is one thing, but as life dictates, you never know. I'm more mature now, more experienced in the disappointment department. If you could avoid heartbreak by giving up happiness, would you do it?
You know, there are just too many things to be obsessing over when it comes to relationships. When you're not in one, you obsess on when the next one will come. When you're in one, you obsess about where things will go. I've said it once, and I'll say it again, I am very pessimistic when it comes to these things. I'm just going to go with the flow and see what comes my way (and hopefully it will involve sex, for the love of God). I've seen relationships falter and die, and I've seen relationships flourish and grow stronger. Of course, everyone wants the latter, but sometimes it's just not meant to be. And on that note, I must admit that although my Dating Diary is very cynical and bitter, my faith is still alive. ¤ C.Ho.
Next month: Christine tries to be nice. Can she do it? Stay tuned.
