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Celebrity Relationships:
Lessons learned from our favourite stars…
The scandals, the affairs, the revolting sex…it wouldn’t be Hollywood if we didn’t hear about at least one of these on a daily basis. In fact, celebrity rollercoaster relationships can often boost a career more than any Oscar win or charity appearance.But what about the success stories? What about those couples that manage to thwart the swinger lifestyle in exchange for a loving, committed relationship? Here are some of Tinseltown’s best and worst couplings, and what we can learn from their relationships. ¤ C.Ho.
Michael Bublé and Emily Blunt
What do a Canadian crooner and a British ingénue have in common? If you’re Michael Bublé and Emily Blunt, the answer would seem to be a long-lasting relationship – with one another. This celebrity duo isn’t talked about much, but unlike other coy couples who “decline to comment” on their status even though the relationship is so existent that they’re practically photographed having sex, Michael and Emily are very much together, and any respectable US Weekly “body language” expert will tell you that they’re very much in love. Their combined talent and success, plus their obvious support of each other’s careers, makes this glowing couple worth rooting for.
Projected Lifeline: Forever and ever.
Lesson Learned: Date a Canadian.
Jada Pinkett and Will Smith
After five hundred and twenty four years together, how does this couple keep the passion alive? Apparently by never leaving each other’s side. Wherever Will goes, Jada is right there, comfortably stashed under the nook of his arm. Another great way to keep the passion going is to constantly talk about it, imagining that the public is waiting with bated breath to hear about how Jada handles being a “working” mother. Jada and Will have been going strong for so long that it’s hard to imagine one without the other, which is how, I suppose, people regarded Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff before Will stuffed Jazzy in a closet, never to be heard from again. In fact, Jada is starting to look a little like Will, which is probably why he loves her so much.
Projected Lifeline: Five million, four hundred and seventy six thousand years. In another reincarnated life, Jada will be the gnat on Will’s hippopotamus back.
Lesson Learned: Compromise keeps the relationship alive. Also, try to get in as many photo ops as you can.
Beyonce and Jay-Z
He’s a rap mogul, and she’s a successful R&B diva. What’s not to love about this couple? Unlike Jennifer Lopez and P. Diddy’s bizarre union, this one feels real. It also feels real whenever each person releases a backbiting single, sparking speculation that it’s a thinly veiled attempt to spite the other person. Although there have been rumours of a Jay-Z and Rihanna affair, we can rest assured that nothing’s happened, only because Beyonce hasn’t yet released a song called “He’s Cheating on Me With That Record Label Slut.”
Projected Lifeline: Seven years, which is coincidentally how many times tabloids will report a secret wedding in the Caribbean.
Lesson Learned: When your partner does something to upset you, don’t fight about it when you can just write a song about it.
Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal
There’s a reason why tabloids call this couple one of the most boring of the year, and it’s because they’ve managed to fly under the radar for so long. You won’t find Reese partying it up without panties or Jake hitting on wanna-be actresses at Hyde. Considering the high profile relationship both actors have had in the past (Ryan Phillippe and Kirsten Dunst, respectively), it’s not shocking to learn that Reese and Jake have decided to concentrate on a lasting relationship by keeping a low profile and shunning the usual Hollywood media blitz. Paris Hilton might want to look into that sometime.
Projected Lifeline: Two years, after which Reese and Jake will realize that they are, in fact, the most boring couple in the world.
Lesson Learned: Leave all the baggage behind, especially when that includes questionable exes, gay rumours, and messy divorces.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Hollywood’s hottest couple has stayed together much longer than anyone expected, considering Angelina’s track record of lovin’ them and leavin’ them. Maybe having 5,187 children together might have something to do with it.
Projected Lifeline: Five years, after which Angelina would have adopted the population of Africa, thus no longer needing Brad’s company.
Lesson Learned: It’s important to share in your partner’s hobbies, even if those include adoption and only accepting movie roles that require speaking in a foreign accent.
Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron
This golden-faced couple met on the set of “High School Musical” and quickly started an undercover affair, which was eventually unearthed by the throngs of teenaged Zac Efron fans who would love nothing more than to encounter Vanessa in a dark alley. With a year of hits (the unspeakable power that is “High School Musical 2”, Zac’s star-making turn in Hairspray) and stumbling blocks (Vanessa’s racy half-nude pictures hitting the Internet, with nary a profit for her), this young couple has managed to weather the storm better than most older, seasoned couples. Perhaps it’s the teenage passion that keeps this couple going, or the fact that Zac has caught whiff of Vanessa’s Internet pictures and wants a piece of that – whatever it is, this cutesy couple who craps puppies and rainbows on a daily basis is the epitome of teenage love.
Projected Lifeline: As long as it takes to complete “High School Musical 3” through “High School Musical 24.”
Lesson Learned: If you’re going to send someone nude pictures of yourself, make sure they’re sent to your boyfriend and not some random guy from the Disney Channel.
Pink and Carey Hart
What’s cooler than hooking up with a girl who will defend your honour and rough you up when you get out of line? These tattooed lovers both live on the edge without actually going Ozzy-crazy, and continue to foil rumours of a break-up. As rough as Pink can be, she’s developed a softer side with Carey without compromising her style (ahem, Avril Lavigne), and he’s survived “The Surreal Life” with most of his dignity intact. And we have to give it to Carey: it must be hard trying to woo Pink without getting beat up. It’s clear that this couple has passion in abundance, but without balance, it could eventually backfire.
Projected Lifeline: Three years, after which Carey will file the inevitable restraining order.
Lesson Learned: Find someone who loves you for who you are.
Victoria and David Beckham
How is it that we know so much about a couple that really doesn’t do anything but just kind of hang around other famous people? Sure, Posh is a Spice Girl, and if this were 1996, she’d be royalty, and David plays soccer…sometimes – but does this really warrant news? Before we go insane trying to find a reason to follow this couple, we should perhaps ponder what makes them work so well in the first place. What makes Posh and David work is their love of being in the public eye, which is exhibited by Posh’s often gaudy outfits and David’s bits and pieces hanging (out) all over clothing ads. Plus, there’s the obvious self-love.
Projected Lifeline: Ten years, unless Posh gets fat or her implants accidentally take out David’s eyes.
Lesson Learned: Surround yourself with other equally annoying couples so that you come out looking the sanest.
Courtney Cox and David Arquette
At the height of the “Friends” frenzy, Courtney Cox’s marriage to David Arquette came as a huge surprise. After all, she was starring on a hit television show and making loads of money, and he was barely scraping the bottom of the movie barrel by starring in movies like Eight Legged Freaks and It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie. But when “Friends” came to an end, the purpose of their union became clearer. Now Courtney’s on a cable network show that no one talks about unless it involves a Jennifer Aniston stunt casting, and he’s…still doing whatever it was that he was doing. Despite career setbacks, this couple has managed to stay together past the requisite Hollywood one-year mark, and they seem pretty content out of the public eye, save for the scant tabloid mentions involving Jennifer Aniston coming by to try a new low-fat muffin recipe.
Projected Lifeline: No divorce in sight, unless the rumours hold true and David Arquette finally gets tired of Jennifer Aniston pulling a You, Me And Dupree and transforming into the houseguest that never leaves.
Lesson Learned: Nothing keeps a couple together longer than sharing in the schnaufrede of one your closest friend’s failed relationships.
Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley
There might have been a time when such a coupling would have aroused cheers from the general public, but this time has quickly been overshadowed by Avril Lavigne’s latest album. It’s not necessarily the music that has become aggravating (although it has), but the amount of interviews and press that are involved in promoting an album. Much like Britney Spears, we don’t need to hear Avril share her thoughts on world poverty or deliver a dissertation on the perils of fame. Nor do we need to hear her discuss married life with Deryck Whibley, who has gained nothing from this union but a splitting migraine from too many “Girlfriend” listens. Still, there’s just something desolately sweet about a man who is oblivious to all of wife’s shortcomings.
Projected Lifeline: Four years, after which Deryck will realize that his wife’s music is almost as vapid as her brain.
Lesson Learned: Nothing says I love you more than physically threatening what’s left of your husband’s fans. It also works when you need a good way to assert your dominance in the relationship.
Vanessa What’s-Her-Face and Nick Lachey
This inconsequential couple has the distinction of featuring two exes – an ex-MTV personality (which doesn’t translate much in the real world, considering MTV’s dwindling ratings) and Jessica Simpson’s ex-husband (which doesn’t translate much in the real world, either). This haphazard coupling has enjoyed much coverage in tabloids, only it had less to do with our obsession with them and more to do with how Jessica Simpson was reacting to the news. But this hasn’t necessarily spelled prominence for either person, unless you count Lachey’s appearance on “Clash of the Choirs,” alongside Michael Bolton and former Destiny’s Child Kelly Rowland. Not that we’re saying that they’re in it for the fame or anything.
Projected Lifeline: Two years, or as long as it takes for In Touch to stop paying them for cover stories.
Lesson Learned: Nothing cures a broken heart faster than jumping into a relationship with the next girl that will give you the time of day.
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz
When Ashlee sang that a boy makes her want to “la la,” she must have looked into the future, because Pete Wentz certainly incites some sort of indescribable apathy from the general public. This Fall Out Boy bassist and this former “late bloomer” got together after Ashlee’s jarring plastic surgery, and have never looked back – probably because after every round of surgery, Pete has no idea what she looks like. This somewhat normal couple has already suffered a couple of mishaps, the latest being Ashlee’s insane jealousy of Pete’s groupies (they do exist, surprisingly), even though they have a lot more in common with Ashlee than she’d like to believe.
Projected Lifeline: One year or the amount of time it takes for Pete to grow tired of Ashlee’s whiny voice – whichever comes first.
Lesson Learned: You don’t need to share ideals, level of talent, or even similar I.Q. scores with your loved one as long as she’s hot.
Kate Holmes and Tom Cruise
Outwardly, these two look like the most blissful couple in the world: he being an international celebrity and she being a nubile, sprightly actress capable of bearing his children. But behind Katie’s vacant stare, there’s a bigger story to tell, namely how there actually isn’t anything behind those eyes. Even without the creepy Scientology angle, this coupling still seems like it was spawned from the dark recesses of evil. Still, if you can overlook the obvious control issues and the systematic brainwashing, Kate and Tom actually do have a pretty good arrangement.
Projected Lifeline: Ten years less a day, as per the pre-nuptial agreement.
Lesson Learned: Never let a man control you, even if he is Tom Cruise.
