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Interview With the Ex:
An experiment in sanity...
Memories...I've Had A Few
Me: Huh. Oh, okay, here we go. What play did you take me to see?
B: The Mouse Trap.
Me: (amazed) That's pretty good. I [still] have the tickets.
B: So do I.
Me: That's funny because I have both of them.
B: I'm almost positive. You know, I have to check my Tupperware box.
Me: (incredulous) You keep our memories in a Tupperware box?
B: Where was I going to keep it?
Me: I don't know. In a gold chest. So you can show your wife and children one day. That's mean. All right, describe our relationship in one word.
B: One word…exciting.
Me: Even that time when I was really boring?
B: You mean the time that you came to my party and I said not to drink and you got pissed drunk and [edited out because I was very young and foolish].
Me: That was exciting. (laughs) So, any words for future suitors out there?
B: I would say that they would have to (pauses)…be ready to give 100% to you because you give 100%.
Me: (giggles) Ooh, that's sweet. I have some words for future suitors of B. Be very patient. Don't have to be sound of mind but it helps. Be ready to wait a lot when he's in the bathroom.The Whores
Me: And skip the jealousy…like some people I used to know.
B: There was never any need to be jealous.
Me: Yes, there was. Every day, a different whore.
B: You are so going to pay.
Me: You gave them free drinks, and they came back.
B: (changing the subject) You can't have a perfect relationship, otherwise it won't work. You have to make it work.
Me: That comment you made to me. About better girls being out there.
B: (feigns ignorance)
Me: This is what I call hard-hitting reporting. What do you have to say?
B: What I meant to say is not that there are better girls out there, but that [excuse, excuse, excuse.] That's what I meant. And you know that I say a lot of things that I don't mean.
Me: I cried for two days straight. I didn't leave my room. I stank.Girlfriendness...Is That A Word?
Me: On a scale of one to 10, of girlfriendness, what would you rate me?
B: In comparison or just in general?
Me: In comparison. To all the other whores that came after me. Oops, not that I'm a whore.
B: Any time I had a relationship [it] didn't last long, a couple of months. It was because I knew it just wasn't there.
Me: Was it because you were secretly in love with me and you just couldn't get over it?
B: Well, I kept a picture of you and I used to put it over their faces, and I [told them], your name is Christine! Christine!The Hooch
Me: And plus they were whores, and you can't have a relationship with a whore.
B: I think because I went out with you the longest, I had the most knowledge, I guess, of going out with someone.
Me: (cocky) You put stock in the Christine bank. Oh yeah.
B: It rose and then it fell. Now I'm bankrupt.
Me: (grunts) That's mean. Let's talk about relationships. How many whores were there?
B: (joke, joke, joke)
Me: (joke, joke, joke) What do you think makes a relationship work?
B: You have to be able to talk to each other.
Me: (joke, joke, joke)
B: (threat, threat, threat)
Me: It sounds to me, though, that after we stopped dating, you went into this downward spiral of self-destruction.
B: My best friend was the bottle.
Me: No, really. But it did sound like you went into a spiral. Like your world just ended.
B: Would you have liked my world to have ended [sic] after you?
Me: No, of course not. But it's feasible that it could happen. It's me.Wooing Techniques
Me: Let's talk about your wooing techniques. When you like a girl, how do you woo her?
B: I don't do anything special. I'm the type of guy that just asks a girl out and goes out with her. Have a good time.
Me: (finishing her drink very loudly) Mmm. Where would you take her?
B: I would get to know her first, know what she likes, know where she has been and where she hasn't been and surprise her. I wouldn't ask her straight out so she knows where I'm taking her, I would [in a] roundabout [way] ask her.
Me: Like how?
B: Well, I would mention stuff in the paper, like if she saw a play like Mamma Mia or The Lion King.
Me: (interrupting, and frowning) Those things are expensive. You never took me to any of those.
B: Those weren't out then.
Me: But they had Broadway then.
B: How did this change from my wooing techniques to not where I've taken you?
Me: (wielding a knife) Okay, I'm sorry. Go on.
B: I did take you to the Mouse Trap.
Me: (aside) Off-off-off-off-off-off Broadway.
B: I like to make it a unique, special first date, as opposed to just going out to dinner and talking.
Me: Ha ha ha. That's what we did.
B: (silence)
Me: And, so, any macking techniques for you?
B: I don't rely on "macking."
Me: For your whores. They just give it up.
B: I'm not that type of guy [to just go out for a couple of drinks].
Me: So you like your whores sober.The Conclusion
Me: Do you follow a rule of thumb, like after the first date you wait two days to call her?
B: No. I make it known after the first date if I want to see her again.
Me: Really?
B: Yes.
Me: What if [you like] a girl that comes into your store, and you may never see her again?
B: Before she leaves, I will make sure she sees me again.
Me: (blinks) Like, would you steal her wallet?After the interview, B. and I ran to the theatre and caught our movie. To recap, after B. and I broke up, B. was left a heartbroken shell of a man who was reduced to relying on the hooch and hooking up with cheap whores. B. noted that I was an exceptional, flawless girlfriend who gave him some of the best years of his life. He also instructed me to make him look good in this interview, and I think that I did a pretty good job without coming off too biased. A big thanks goes out to B. for giving me a great day of laughter and joy, and also of pain and depression. And the dim sum was great! ¤ C.Ho.
[ B. and Chris play 20 neurotic questions. Part I of the interview. ]