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Interview With the Ex:
An experiment in sanity...
So my ex, B., and I made plans to go out for dim sum and a movie afterwards. It was during this exchange that I had the brilliant idea to interview him to find out, among other things, what I was really like in a relationship. But I knew that if I came right out and asked him, he would never agree to such a thing. So I had to create a good enough ruse that would not arouse suspicion and still allow me to make a smooth segue way into the topic. What follows next is an excerpt from the interview.[Note: Some of the content and language may offend some readers. Take everything with a grain of salt. Just don't put it in a box of mashed potatoes.]
The Set-Up
Me: "Wrestlemania."
B: What about it?
Me: (buying time) Er, who was there?
B: All the big stars were there. The only really good match was Hulk Hogan vs. Vince MacMahon. Everything else really wasn't worth seeing. "Wrestlemania" is really becoming a played out sport. It's just…they do it every year and it's not really a big deal no more [sic].
Me: Er, why?
B: It used to be a show. Now they have too many wrestling events that lead up to it, so it's no longer a big thing.
Me: Do you think it has to do with the caliber of the people there?
B: (quite confidently) Not at all.
Me: Really?
B: (laughs) Yeah, really.
Me: Are you sure? Look into my eyes and tell me that you're sure.
B: (laughs) I am very sure. It's just that they have too many wrestling events during the year to lead up to "Wrestlemania," and it's just not a big thing anymore.
Me: So who is your favourite WWE star?
B: It would have to still be Hulk Hogan.
Me: He's crazy old though. Why do you like him?
B: Because he's an icon.
Me: For old people?
B:: For wrestling. He represents wrestling from old school to new school.
Me: Do you think he got a facelift?
B: Yup. I would think so. He's had some surgery done - maybe not a facelift, but he's got something done to his face.
Me: Do you think he got his nipples raised?
B: (laughs) No, I don't think he has.The Confession
Me: (remembering the objective) So, what was it like dating me?
B: (stunned silence followed by laughter) In what aspect to do you mean?
Me: Like, just in general. Did you want to commit suicide?
B: No, not at all. I wanted to kill you, but…
Me: (sad face) That's mean.
B: Sometimes I just pictured my hands around your throat, shaking uncontrollably. I used to wake up [from] sweaty dreams.
Me: Sweaty dreams. Ohhh. So what was I like as a girlfriend?
B: As a girlfriend you were very nice. I had no complaints. You were probably the best girlfriend that I ever had.
Me: (aside) Did you hear that? All the haters out there? (back to B.) Was there anything that annoyed you about me that you never told me?
B: Your smoking. But I told you that. I wish you would cut down your smoking, then you'd be just that more attractive.
Me: You make it sound like I smoke two cigarettes at a time. What am I, the Dragon Lady or something?Am I Annyoing Or Not?
B: So, do you have annoying habits about yourself that you want to talk about?
Me: (quite seriously) Yes, let's talk about those. You know what, do you remember the time you made me mashed potatoes at your house?
B: No, not really.
Me: Okay, I'll tell the story. You made the mashed potatoes for me because I was really hungry, and you put a box of salt in them.
B: Oh yes, now I remember. You said they were a little salty.
Me: Yeah, and then I ate them. I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
B: See, that's what makes a bad chef then. You have to tell me the truth.
Me: I thought, if this guy can't make a box of [instant] mashed potatoes…I'm not going to tell him. So what was the fondest memory you had about our relationship?
B: The fondest memory I have is when I was sick and you came to my house and brought me soup and made me feel better.
Me: (cackles) You forgot the fact that it was canned soup and I made you open the can and heat up the soup yourself. What about the time we had a fight, and I went out and bought you water anyway?
B: Yeah, that was very nice of you too. That was very sweet.
Me: You know that makes me laugh every time I think about it. I was like, what was I thinking? I should have bought the bottle of water and thrown it at you. What was the funniest thing you remember?
[B. thinks and thinks and can't remember anything. I get frustrated.]
Me: What about the time [we were] up at your cottage, and you wanted me to help you carry the fridge, but I couldn't do it and you ended up doing it yourself.
B: Oh yeah, that small freezer.
Me: Er, no, it was a fridge. It was a Frigidaire stocked with ice. But that's embarrassing. So, best quality?
B: It would be your…
Me: (mumbles) Eloquence, beauty…
B:: What did you say?
Me: Nothing.Loyalty and Tardiness
B: Your commitment to someone.
Me: My loyalty?
B:: Your loyalty. Very loyal.
Me: (aside) To Second Cup coffee.
B: (miffed, as he owns a café that is not Second Cup) This tape recorder will be found like the Blair Witch Project.
Me: (laughs, but is also scared) Hey, so, worst quality.
B: I really don't have one with you. I can't really think of anything.
Me: Sometimes I'm obnoxious, loud…
B: It's not like you did something all the time…you were never like that.
Me:Oh, how about my lateness? Come on.
B: Yeah, okay. That could be a factor to be worked on. But I don't really know anyone who's really ever on time.21 Questions
Me: Let's test your ability on how well you know me. Favourite colour?
B: Black, red, blue? (pauses) Green?
Me: Are you kidding?
B: I honestly don't remember.
Me: Purple. My birthday.
B: April 28th.
Me: Okay, take two.
B: April 28th.
Me: Okay, take three. That's not my birthday.
B: (confused) April 28th...April 26th.
Me: Favourite movie. Oh, you must know this.
B: The Joy Luck Club?
Me: Noooooo! You bought it for me, you fool![At this point there is some grunting and screaming on the tape. A body falls to the floor. After a short pause the tape starts again.]
[ B. and Chris try not to kill each other. Part II of the interview. ]