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Michelle's Dating Diary:
Just friends...
I don’t write for the Dating Diary column on a regular basis, but when I do write an entry, it’s after a dating experience that was either very good, or very tragic. Let’s just say that this entry leans more towards the latter.Right now, I feel like Mary J. Blige circa 1994. You know, the angry Mary that was bitter about her bad relationships, and poured her broken heart into song. Grrls, I’m this close to writing a Mary-type ghetto love song. Okay, I’m kidding. But like the old, pre-“No Drama” Mary, I feel that my love life is in need of some help.
Getting back to the reason for this entry, there has been a lot going on in my love life since my last article. At one point in time I enjoyed being single, then I absolutely hated being single, then I found someone that made me feel like my single life was a thing of the past. But as luck would have it, I had to hustle my way back to singleville…again. Were you able to follow all of that? If not, I’ll break it down for ya.
My latest love story is probably the most heartbreaking for me. Chill for a bit and read about my Shakespearean-like present day tragedy.
I’ve known this guy for about four years (…let’s call him Pendajo), and we’ve become really good friends. I was drawn to him because he made me laugh, he’s smart, he’s thuggish, and more importantly, he is actually the most thoughtful guy that I’ve ever met. It was exciting to get to know him and see our friendship blossom into something that I treasure very much.
Although we had a platonic relationship for about four years, it wasn’t until the beginning of this year that we started having feelings for one another. I did have a crush on him for the longest time (okay, I liked him for over a year), but I tried not to act on it because I knew that he was involved with someone, and I was not trying to break up a happy home.
Then I started feeling his vibes. It was clear that he was definitely feeling mine, too. Of course I was elated, but I wasn’t sure what to do. Do I jump him? Do I tell him that I like him? Or do I just leave it alone? I chose to leave it alone because as far as I knew, he was still someone else’s man.
Earlier this year we met up for lunch. Our lunch turned into a three-hour “getting to know you” session. As each second went by, I liked him more and more. I discovered that we liked the same things: alcohol, joking around, and basically anything remotely ghetto. It was during this conversation that he told me that he broke up with his girlfriend. Woo hoo, I thought. But I had to play it cool and pretend that I felt bad for him. If he only knew that inside I was doing cartwheels.
After talking for over 180 minutes, I had to head home and he had to go back to work. This “lunch date” subsequently made it very easy for us to talk and go out on a regular basis. Regrettably, it was always on the friendship tip. No kisses, no hugs, no NOTHING!
Plagued by my frustration, I decided to let him know how much I liked him. When he drove me home after one of our platonic dates, I told him to kiss me. He leaned over, but I gave him a big, fat, passionate kiss. Our kiss lasted until five in the morning.
You’d think that the fact that he knew how I felt and the fact that I showed him how I felt would lead us to be boyfriend and girlfriend, but it didn’t! We spoke about our little make out session and he told me that as much as he would like to pursue me, he was not mentally ready for another relationship (like I said before, he just got out of a lengthy relationship). I was upset and hurt. Does this guy even know how much I like him? I agreed that being “just friends” was the best thing for us even though I still had feelings for him.
A couple of weeks later he called me and asked if I wanted to hang out with him. I said yes. Since we were only friends, there was no need for me to try to look sexy. I decided to wear a very tomboyish outfit. Read: baggy pants and my favourite tee.
He took me to a club (psst: I didn’t take off my coat…my tomboy look was not cute!), we played pool and…. we ended up making out…again. Didn’t we say that we couldn’t do this? We both acted like nothing happened and weirdly enough, we continued to hang out every weekend after that.
While we hung out and talked more often, my feelings for him were getting stronger and stronger. A day wouldn’t pass that I didn’t think about him. He didn’t make it any easier on me either. He called me every day just to say hello and dropped by my job to have lunch with me. My exes never did that, even when we were dating!
But after months of being wooed, my cell stopped ringing. I knew that something was up. I called him on my lunch break and chatted with him for a few minutes. His voice seemed different to me. I asked him if something was wrong. He said that everything was okay.
The following Monday he met me for lunch, and I as I suspected, something was up. He told me that he was talking with his ex. They were trying to work out their problems. Damn! I was devastated. I graciously bowed out of the game and let them work on their relationship.
After that episode, I couldn’t speak to Pendajo. I needed some time to get over the shock. We eventually spoke a couple of weeks later and decided again to be “just friends.” We continued to talk, but our friendship became a little strained. That meant that we could only talk on the phone, and we couldn’t hang out anymore. We both wanted to, but we didn’t want to give in to our temptation. Pendajo and I knew that if we saw one another, we’d be all over each other.
I played this charade for as long as I could and I had to let him know that I was done. It’s something that I didn’t want to do, but pretending not to like him and him pretending not to like me was confusing the hell out of me. I loved him and I wanted the world to know.
When I realized that our “friendship” was not going to grow into a relationship, I needed to talk to him and let him know that it was over. I met up with him for the very last time and told him how I felt. As far-fetched and choreographed as it may sound, we actually stood in the rain on a very warm summer night and told each other how much we care about each other. We ended the night by agreeing that we shouldn’t talk for a while. Kissing our friendship good-bye is probably the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. It was gut-wrenching, but very necessary. Not only was I losing a potential boyfriend, I was losing a friend.
I felt torn throughout the entire relationship. I was happy for him to be in my life, but I wanted more. I hated suppressing my feelings for him. I still miss Pendajo. I wish that we could have worked things out, but unfortunately, he chose another path. ¤ Michelle