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Dating Diary:
Letting go...
After having a pretty intense chat over lunch with a friend of mine, I realized how much of a hypocrite I am. No, I'm not being too hard on myself. I have been following the "do what I say, not what I do" philosophy.
OF INTEREST
A friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend, whom she still had feelings for. And like anyone that still has feelings for an ex, they will find any way to still be in their life.
When my somewhat distraught friend told me that she wanted to contact her ex, I had to question her intentions. "Do you still want him?" I yelled at her. She could not answer because she was still in the I-hate-him-but-I-love-him stage. I, in a sympathetic but cold tone, told her that she needed to break off communication with her ex and stop torturing herself. And with that sentence, I realized how much of a hypocrite I was.
In the few dating diaries that I have written, I wrote about my ex, and how mutual and beneficial our break up was. I wrote that it was the best thing for us to do and how much happier I was now that I was single. Being happy that I was single? That was a big fat lie.
Although we broke up in 2002, we still found the time to hook up and see how the other person was doing. I can admit it: I still had feelings for my ex. So why was I yelling at a friend to stop hurting herself by talking to her ex, when I was doing the exact same thing?
When I confessed to my friend that I had seen my ex early on this year, a look of surprise came over her face. She wasn't angry at me for having the audacity of schooling her about the proper etiquette of a break up. She was more concerned with my happiness than anything else.
I knew what I was doing was wrong, but the words had an impact when my friend said them. She told me that I wasting my time and energy on a "semi-relationship." I had no choice but to agree with her. I wanted to move on and find a new man, but I was scared of being hurt again. I'd rather be with someone I knew, instead of starting all over with someone else. My friend made it clear to me that relationships are about being vulnerable, and unfortunately you can't always be in control.
It's so weird, the reason that we hooked up for lunch was that I could help out my depressed friend, and it ended up that my depressed friend actually helped me out. I had to thank my grrl for sharing her words of wisdom with me.
It's been two months since that lunch and I am slowly changing the way I think about my ex. I had good and bad times with him, but it's time to move on. I know that I will always have feelings for him. Some loves are like that. But I am tryin' to get my flirt on and meet new men. I'm a little nervous, but it's a good type of nervousness. Wish me luck!! ¤ Michelle