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Dating Diary:
What's love got to do with it...
Dear Diary,
WHERE WERE WE?
Now that Bee and I have officially hit and surpassed our one year anniversary, it's fitting that I discuss something that is a natural, inevitable part of all relationships: fights."Fight" seems like a strong word to use, especially in this day and age of Dr. Phil and pop psychology and self-help books written by people who are devoid of all personality. So I present other acceptable, delicate synonyms like "disagreement," "discussion," "argument," and "tiff." See, it already looks like it's going to be a better day.
Bee and I have had our share of fights, er, arguments. Some of them have ranged, on the fight-o-meter, from mild and dismissive, to earth shattering and cruel. It's hard to not fight when you invest so much of yourself in a person. It's harder yet to realize what the fighting is really all about. Things are said, feelings are hurt, accusations come out, and by the end of the fight, it just might be the end of everything.
From the time I've spent with Bee, our fighting styles have emerged true and clear. I'm a yeller; he's a pacifist. I like to talk about it; he likes to sleep on it, sometimes days at a time. Does it just come down to a gender issue? Is it that when we fight, our personalities come out strong and clear? What would Dr. Phil say about this? Would he be disappointed? Would he have us on his show? But the truth of the matter is that, despite all the quizzes in Cosmo titled "What's Your Fighting Style?" (I'm a "Talker") there is no way to fight fairly…just like they say, all's fair in love and war.
A new relationship will sail smoothly for months on end until the first fight. The couple is too wrapped up in their newfound love (or infatuation) to have a disagreement about anything. Even if something was really questionable, like the fact that he likes to clip his toenails on your new couch, or she likes to eat from your plate without asking you, it's all too soon to speak up. But just like dominoes, when the first fight arrives, it all eventually falls down. You may have encountered a couple once or twice in your lifetime that has claimed they never fight - and they're lying. A Stepford couple is never what it seems. Fighting can break a relationship, but it can also make it stronger. Bee and I had our first fight three months into our relationship, and it scared me. But it was also a relief, because I knew that it was possible to bounce back from it. He asked me what was wrong, and that's all it took before it came pouring out. What I had to say was something he didn't want to hear - too bad, he was going to hear it one way or another - and it led to an argument, but it also led to better understanding and communication.
I knew a couple that were polar opposites of each other, and so when they hooked up it was a shock to most people that knew them. Months passed in what seemed like a blissful state, until I spoke to my friend, who revealed that they fought quite often. "Chris, she actually said she likes it when we fight - I think she picks fights on purpose," he alleged on the phone. I didn't know what to say to that, and "Perhaps she's psycho?" just wasn't going to cut it. Apparently, she thought that fights were a common part of a relationship, and a relationship without fighting wasn't a real relationship at all. Needless to say, they broke up shortly after that.
The moral of that story is that fights aren't an integral part of a relationship, but they are inevitable. Sometimes it takes the tears and the sweat to fix something that seems broken. And sometimes fights need to be avoided, especially when there is no real foundation for them, and especially when they're done out of spite.
I've known another friend who was too afraid to fight, whether it was for her or for the relationship. She was too afraid of angering him, of having him leave her. And so she sat there, mute, until the relationship crumbled under the weight of her silence.
The moral of that story is that in relationships, of any sort, things need to be addressed. Naturally, someone is always going to be upset, but if that person is ready to walk out because they can't see past themselves, then they were in the relationship for the wrong reasons. Some things can be let go (like if she forgot to pick you up some gum or was ten minutes late) and others can't (like if he promised he'd take you to that office party and then bailed at the last minute to see a game with his friends).
And then there's the last couple, who fought incessantly over everything that had to do with her. He would berate her for hanging out with friends that were once his friends too, and get upset if she even so much as picked up her cell phone while she was out with him. The relationship turned out to be a sham all along.
The moral of that autobiographical story is two-fold: first, don't ever let anyone control you, and second, some things are worth fighting for, and some things are not (especially when the bastard cheats on you). Unsurprisingly, each major fight will always lead to questions about the relationship, namely if it's worth sticking around for, if holding on is worse than letting go. There comes a breaking point for everyone, and maybe my kettle boiled too soon, but I knew I that I had made the right decision, especially when I realized that fighting was the only thing he knew how to do.
Only the people involved in a relationship can make that decision for themselves, and hopefully, it will be the right one. Simply saying that you love the person isn't enough to keep anything going. If anything, it only burdens the two people involved because they are too afraid to turn away from this "love." Maybe Dr. Phil got that part right - there are other factors besides love that should keep two people in a relationship, namely trust, respect, and understanding. Without those, love doesn't mean much, does it?
Another sidebar: to those couples that feel the need to fight in front of friends - stop it. You don't need an audience for that, and it makes all parties uncomfortable. Let's think of it as sex; you wouldn't have sex in front of your friends, so leave that, and fights, to the bedroom.
Whether or not Bee and I are "compatible" at fighting remains to be seen. We know how to push each other's buttons, now it's time to see if we can avoid doing that. But just like life, it's a learning process that takes time. And in the end, it's a battle I'm willing to fight. ¤ C.Ho.
Next month: Christine writes an angry letter to Dr. Phil and gets barred from ever appearing on his show.