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Self Image:
The high school years and on...
I don't know about you, but high school was basically hell on earth for me. Not only was I the quiet, shy girl, I wasn't too secure with my looks, especially since I was a "big boned" sista. Y'all know what I'm saying.
Although my social life was non-existent, I desperately wanted a boyfriend. Unfortunately, I knew that it was not going to happen any time soon. I didn't even like the way that I looked; I didn't expect anyone else to.
As I watched my friends get the attention of guys and consequently start dating, I became a little withdrawn and started to obsess about the way that I looked.
Mid-way through eleventh grade, I subconsciously tried to physically and emotionally feel better. I didn't drop a lot of pounds; I just began the process of shedding some unwanted weight. I watched what I ate and exercised occasionally. Physically, I felt and looked better, but I was still unhappy inside. I guess the memories of being teased and laughed at did not quite go away.
When I entered university, I definitely looked better than I did in high school, but my insecurity and shyness was still there. I had tons of crushes on basically every guy in my class, but my lack of confidence left me dateless for many years. It's not like I didn't get attention from those guys, I was just too afraid to do anything and run the risk of rejection.
My mom used to get fed up with all my questions: "Do I look good?" "Does my butt look too big?" and "Do I really look okay?" I could not leave the house without bombarding my mother with all those questions.
It wasn't until about three years ago that I realized that I am a beautiful woman with a lot to offer. I went through a lot of experiences that made me come to that realization. As cheesy as this may sound, I fell in love for the first time and it changed my whole perception about myself. I knew that my man loved me for me and it didn't matter what I looked like. Yes, I know it sounds silly and sentimental, but it is actually very true.
It wasn't just the relationship that turned my life around. During my "unhappy period," I poured a lot of my feelings onto paper. I wrote poetry, short stories and published a 'zine. I realized that I loved to write and that it was very easy for me to communicate my thoughts through my writing. It undeniably boosted my self-esteem.
Because of my newfound confidence, I made an effort to pursue whatever I thought that I was capable of achieving.
But I can't lie, sometimes I get insecure and I become my biggest critic, but believe me, I know that I am beautiful on the inside and outside. It doesn't matter how others see you, you have to believe in yourself and not beat yourself up over insignificant things.
I may not be a size 0, but I am happy to be a self-proclaimed phatty girl.
Peace and love, y'all! ¤ Michelle