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Dear Angry Black Grrl:
Regifting blunders, feuding friends, backstabbing co-workers...
Dear Angry Black Grrl,
GOT A QUESTION?
ADVICE OF THE MONTH
I saw my friend re-gift one of the gifts I gave him years ago, and totally give it to someone else! I don't think he noticed the blunder, but I sure did, and I'm offended. Should I say something?
T. C.Dear T. C.,
Are you tryin’ to tell me that you’ve never re-gifted before? Please. I’m sure that sometime in your life someone gave you something that you didn’t like and you were more than willing to pawn it off on someone who would appreciate it more. Am I wrong? I thought not!Don’t be upset that your friend re-gifted. At least he didn’t throw it away. Here’s a suggestion – for his next birthday, think gift card.
Dear Angry Black Grrl,
I met Bill about four years ago. He was my best friend's brother's friend, and since we're all close in age, we often hung out on the weekends. I couldn't stand Bill at first, and any attempt that he made to talk to me was shut down pretty quickly. I found him to be full of himself and conceited, and those are his better traits. My best friend hinted that Bill might have had a thing for me, but as soon as she saw the horrified look on my face, she dropped it. Bill left the city for university, so I didn't have to see him or talk to him. Now it's years later, and he's back in town. We went out for drinks, and I found myself quite attracted to Bill. He's no longer the brash and obnoxious teenager I remember (I think university life taught him a little humility), and we had a great time. Problem is, Bill remembers how rude I was to him in the past, and to top it off, he's seeing someone. They've only been dating for about a month, pretty casually, and my best friend tells me it's not serious and Bill doesn't see things going further. The prospect of setting my sights on someone who is unavailable makes me uneasy, but I can't get Bill out of my mind! Should I just leave it alone?
Second ChancesDear Second Chances,
What can I say? If this were a romantic comedy, all you’d have to do is spend one magical night with Bill to make him realize that you’re the girl of his dreams. He’ll break up with the “not so serious” prospect, and you’ll life happily ever after.Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen in real life. It might be that this ship has sailed, and you should just move on. You rejected Bill once, so it’s likely that you might do it again. Could it be that Bill looks good to you for other reasons outside of his polite manner and attractive face? If the answer is “no,” then the next question is: would you want someone else to swoop in and seduce your boyfriend, regardless of how long you’ve been dating? Again, I hope you said, “No.”
If your best friend is right and Bill is intending to break things off, then you might want to reconnect with him once it’s done. But until then, Bill is definitely off limits.
Dear Angry Black Grrl,
I need your help! I have a dear friend that I've known for years. Unfortunately, my other friends don't really like her. The first time I tried to get everyone together, it ended in disaster. My friends didn't take to her, and they told me that they didn't like her "attitude." I don't think she has an attitude, but I can see where my friends are coming from since it does take a while to get used to her personality. Ever since then, I don't think they've given her a proper second chance, so going out with her and everyone else makes the whole evening strained and uncomfortable. I could just hang out with her separately, but I find splitting time between friends hardly leaves any time to spend with my own family! What should I do?
Can't Everyone Just Get AlongDear Can't Everyone Just Get Along,
If your friends don’t get along with one of your friends, why would you force them to go out with each other? Especially if you said that “it takes a while to get used to [your friend’s] personality. It just makes for an extremely torturous night out.” Most people have several sets of friends that don’t mix. It’s just part of life.Your only consolation is to hang out with them separately. True, you will have to juggle your time between her, your other friends, and your family, but this way you don’t alienate anyone. Sorry girl.
Dear Angry Black Grrl,
I'm a newlywed who just got married in June. My problem is this: when writing out appropriate thank you cards, I realized that one of my co-workers, whom I have worked with for three years and who attended my wedding, didn't give me anything! At first I thought it to be a mistake, so I double-checked everything at least five times. But still, no card, and no gift. I know it might be uncouth for me to ask directly, but should I mention it in case there was a mistake? I don't want to go on thinking that he's a cheap bastard who can eat my wedding food and offer no sort of congratulatory gesture.
Fuming BrideDear Fuming Bride,
Your co-worker is a cheap bastard. For someone to attend your wedding, eat up all your damn food and not give you a gift or money, is just plain tacky.You might want to consult an etiquette book on this one, but I wouldn’t say anything to your stingy co-worker. If he went as far as to attend the wedding without bearing a gift or giving money, do you really think that he will 'fess up if you ask him about the gift? Just forget it, girl. Just remember to take his cheap ass off your Christmas card list.
Dear Angry Black Grrl,
I don't think my boyfriend's parents like me. They're still constantly talking about his ex, whom they apparently adored, when I come to visit, and rarely muster up a "hi" when I walk into the room. I love my boyfriend dearly, but his parents, not so much. Right now I can handle a little rudeness, but as the relationship progresses, I fear that this might hinder our chances at happiness. I spoke to my boyfriend about it, and while he sees the unfair treatment that I receive, he says he can't do anything about it – it's just the way his parents are. I've been skipping out on his family get-togethers lately because I can't take it, but I also know that it'll just give them more ammunition against me in the long run. What do you think I should do?
Running Out of PatienceDear Running Out of Patience,
Fortunately, you’re probably not alone in your predicament. Many parents, for whatever reason, become overprotective of their offspring and can generally act like little children when their sons and daughters start dating. This may not be a reflection on you at all, but rather your boyfriend’s parents’ reluctance to let go of the past. Good news, though: You don’t have to date your boyfriend’s parents. Keep this in mind when the pressure sets in.Next, don’t ignore his parents. I know it’s uncomfortable hearing about exes and such, but by avoiding the parents, you’ll give them the satisfaction of knowing that they’ve effectively accomplished what they set out to do: run you off so that you’ll leave their son alone. Also, if you don’t at least try to be the bigger person, it will definitely cause problems for you and your boyfriend in the long run. Don’t give up until you’ve tried.
At the next dinner, when they start chit-chatting about how great Suzie is at playing the piano, tell them that’s nice and change the topic (not at all in a snotty way, of course), or use this as a segue way to tell them about your dad’s awesome guitar playing skills. There’s no reason why you can’t make an effort to talk to his parents about something else. Change won’t happen quickly, and you’ll probably have to grin and bear it for a while, but in due time, Suzie will just be a distant memory.
Dear Angry Black Grrl,
I have a co-worker who has no "humility." She can never humble herself enough to admit she is wrong. This girl is "never wrong." She backbites and manipulates conversations to make me look bad. When I went shopping with my manager for a handicapped resident, the assistant said she wouldn't have done it. I told her I will do anything my manager asks of me. The assistant then told the manager that I didn't want to shop for this person. The manager seems to believe anything this person says. I've been in the leasing business for almost 10 years and she is 10 years my junior. It's not that I have a problem with her giving orders just because she's much younger, I just don't need an assistant manager with much less experience than me acting as though I were incompetent. She radiates hatred and anger. I live on this property where I work and I feel my livelihood is very much threatened. When I tried to bring up the subject of us getting along, she yelled at me and then told me that the situation was all my fault, simply because I "brought it up." Can you think of any way to remedy this situation?
Disgruntled At WorkDear Disgruntled At Work,
First off, I would suggest that you ignore your co-worker. She sounds like she’s being purposefully obtuse to incite a reaction from you – so don’t give her the satisfaction, let alone more ammunition to bring back to your boss. Let her go around spreading vile, and just be curt and short in your conversations with her. Eventually she’ll tire of her antics when she sees that you are unfazed by her. Just continue doing your job, and letting that speak for itself.If your co-worker is still being a pain in the ass, it’s time to talk to her again. You may suggest going for a coffee or taking a break together to ease the mood. She’s obviously on the defense, so approaching her in a friendly manner might ease the tension. When you speak to her, don’t attack her actions. Simply tell her that you’ll be working together for a long time, and you want to come to a compromise. Ask her if there’s anything that you can do to make the situation better. She might start to open up if she sees that you come bearing a white flag.
If this fails, then it might be time to have a heart-to-heart with your manager. I’m not sure what your relationship with your manager is like, but if you’ve been in the business for a long time, your manager should respect your opinion – even if she does seem to believe anything that the assistant says. Schedule a time where she can sit down with you and give you her full attention. But bear in mind that in this delicate situation, you don’t necessarily want to say anything that will come back to bite you in the ass, specifically about your co-worker. Refrain from bad-mouthing her or using value-based judgments, like the fact that you think that she’s a raging bitch or a psychopath from hell. State your case and back it up with facts. At the end of the conversation, stress to your manager that you’d like to come to a resolution with your co-worker, and are willing to work things out so as to create a healthy and welcoming work environment.
If things don’t improve, then it’s time to take a long hard look at your job. Weigh the cons and pros – is it worth it to stick by your job with a crappy co-worker at your side, every single day for the foreseeable future? If the answer is no, prepare your resignation letter, and find a place where you’re truly appreciated. ¤ Michelle